Bieber in Coalisland

Canadian singer and songwriter, Justin Bieber, who recently disproved the possibility of the Big Bang theory, has finally broken his self-imposed silence regarding the erratic car parking scenario in Coalisland. 

For centuries, Coalisland has persisted with a free and easy attitude to parking in the town, with drivers able to abandon their motors mid-drive in order to pop into a shop for a pan loaf or pub for a quick pint, blocking traffic in both directions for up to 20 minutes.

Although locals have a relaxed attitude their archaic traffic system, passers-by from as far away as England and Dungannon have resorted to beeping their horns in frustration at the lack of movement on the Main Street. On several occasions, impatient drivers have found themselves overturned or in some cases missing their wheels after a pronged period of beeping and fist-gesticulating.

In a series of online messages, Bieber commented:

“I’ve kept quiet about this but, banzinga baby, car parks are a gift from God. Know what a mean. The driver peeps from the ‘Island need to chill out and park their vehicles in the lots 24/7. You do the math.”

Apologising to the loyal ‘Beliebers’ in Coalisland for the outburst, he threateningly added:

“I’m happy to take matters into my own hands if the authorities in the ‘Island don’t take my shit seriously. Two words: Nuke your ass. My Beliebers, get out to Newmills as soon as you can. Big time, “

before bursting into a rendition of Where Are You Now, making nuclear bomb gestures with his hands.

Coalisland Lord Mayoress Helen Carter retaliated:

“He’s a wee bollocks.”

Meanwhile Landi’s have launched their ‘Bieber Burger’ which, they say, ‘is deadly’.