After an emergency meeting in Garvaghey today, the Tyrone County Board have decided to let the division one league game between the Moy and Dromore go ahead on Wednesday despite the raw emotion in the county after the birth of The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s third child today.
Describing the meeting as ‘heated’, fixtures compiler Tommy Morgan admitted it was a narrow margin which saw the game going ahead:
“It was emotional. There were ones crying and all even before the meeting started such was the momentous event of your woman having a third child. In the end, the fact that the match isn’t until Wednesday probably swung it by one vote. People will have calmed down by then hopefully. Sure we can have a minute’s silence or something.”
News of the birth of the child saw many parents taking their own children out of school early as well as labourers downing tools from midday in order to go home and watch the news and maybe toast the occasion.
The new Sinn Fein Centre of Excellence in Coalisland was due to be finished this week but today’s events may have set back the completion date ‘by over a month’ according to site chief-foreman Paidi Og McGearailt from Stewartstown.
Meanwhile, bookies are offering odds of 20-1 that the child will be named Francie, after Joe Brolly’s father.
Plans are in place to celebrate Tyrone’s latest international superstars after two potholes at either side of the county were placed in the world’s top 5 potholes as judged by road hole experts from across the globe.
At number 4 in the world is a pothole on the Washingbay Rd heading out of Coalisland near the Clonoe GAA grounds. Described by Professor Hogwith as ‘a picturesque hole with views of cattle and diesel spills’ it earned the following rating:
No 4: Washingbay Road, Coalisland, Co Tyrone, Ireland: This is a grade 4 pothole capable of bursting the front and back tyres of a heavy vehicle within 5 seconds of contact. Hidden on a gentle bend, it claims over 200 tyres a day as well as mangling up to 50 bikes weekly. Add in the soft bog land underneath, this hole has the potential to move up the rankings next year if the neglect continues.
Coming in at number 2 in the world is a lethal pothole on the Castlederg Rd just outside Drumquin.
No 2: Castlederg Road, Drumquin, Co Tyrone, Ireland: A solid grade 5 pothole and narrowly misses out as the best pothole in the world. This hole has butchered suspensions of all manner of vehicles including new Scania trucks. On arrival, you are sometimes greeted with the sight of locals bathing in the fresh rainwater within the hole if there is no on-coming traffic. A local schoolgirl was lost for 3 hours in the hole before emerging unscathed. A brilliant monument to neglect again.
The world’s best pothole was found to be in Sydney although Drumquin are said to be considering an objection, claiming the Sydney one is actually a sinkhole.
Community leaders in Coalisland have called for calm after it emerged that a well-known cafe in Coalisland added beans to their morning fry this morning, resulting in a 200-strong brawl at the roundabout between pro-bean and anti-bean gangs.
Landi’s, where diners travel to from all over Ireland to experience its suppers, maintain the beans are here to stay despite the ongoing riot which is still simmering in pockets around the town, as well as being a non-optional item on the dish.
Anti-bean gang leader Tommy Quinn is adamant that they will succeed in getting the new item removed from the menu:
“It’s a disgrace. I know for a fact that this is to placate the Dungannon ones who we all know are into their beans. But what about us, the loyal local fry-eaters? Beans will never be a staple ingredient of a fry in Coalisland for as long as I’m about. This is worse than the day they added the tomato.”
Three brothers from Brackaville were told to leave the premises at 10am after they demanded a fry with no beans. Despite being warned five times that the beans were a new non-optional item on the menu, they refused to order anything else and proceeded to fire opened ketchup sachets around the room, one of which ruined Fr Toner’s collar.
Seven arrests were made in Annagher after a pro-bean gang from the area defaced a road sign with the message ‘beans are deadly’.
Police have described the capture of an elderly confectionary thief as ‘an expertly executed operation’ after a Coalisland woman was apprehended before she’d even left the carpark in her motorised cart.
The cart, which can reach a top speed of 2.2 mph, was impounded and eventually crushed to served as an example to any other prospective elderly chocolate bar thieves.
Shop owner, Maurice Quinn, admitted it was a hairy 8 minutes between the stealing of the bar and the apprehension of the local shopper:
“I’d seen her staring at the Mars Bars for about 20 minutes and had a fair idea she was thinking of doing something untoward. Luckily, three policemen were at the deli bar and when I saw her taking one and putting it in her bag, I told the cops all about her.”
Eyewitnesses decribed how a dramatic chase ensued as one of the policemen calmly walked behind the cart, quietly telling the thief to stop, before walking a bit faster and overtaking her and turning the cart off.
The thief’s 8-minute joyride was captured on CCTV and will be shown at detention centres across the county to local primary school children to act as a deterrent to stealing things.
Brackaville And Newmills To Be Flattened To Make Way For Multi-Million Pound Coalisland International Race Track
Although planning approval has been granted for a £29m Coalisland race track which could play host to international motorsport competitions, residents in Brackaville and Newmills have been informed of the small print which spells bad news for them.
All of Brackaville and most of Newmills is to be flattened to make way for the ambitious venture, with both communities to be permanently re-located to hastily erected shanty houses in Derrytresk and Derrylaughan. For the first months, the evictees will receive a daily £20 food voucher which can be spent in Falls’ shop, excluding multipacks of crisps or 2 litre bottles of anything.
Race track co-ordinator, Becky Campbell, admitted the news might be tough to swallow initially:
“I understand there is some anger being vented towards the plans but if we want the likes of Lewis Hamilton and Sebastian Vettel knocking around east Tyrone eating chips, something has to give. We’d thought about flattening Killyman or Lower Annagher but they represent vital thoroughfares for us to get to M1 so it’s the only sensible call. “
Wrecking balls are to begin knocking down everything in Brackaville the day after Hallowe’en with the GAA club first on the list for demolition. Locals have vowed to tie themselves naked to the gates of the pitch which has been met with a ‘go for it’ response from the driver of the crane, Coalisland’s Rosie McSherry.
Derrytresk residents are also planning a protest at the arrival of Newmills ones.
With the news that more CCTV cameras are to be installed in Coalisland, we got out and about the famous town to find out what the locals make of it::
“It’s the Chinese. I heard that they’re recording it all and then presenting it as the Chinese Big Brother show but it has to be heavily edited because of the debauchery.”
“Mechanical traffic wardens. The human ones don’t last a craic so now the DoE have installed robot wardens disguised as camera. We’ll see how long they last.”
“It’s the Rahillys. We’ve been beating them the guts of 10 years now so now they’re spying on our ways and habits. I urge all Fianna ones to do the opposite of what they normally do. Go to work etc and boycott the pubs.”
“The Brits. First it was roundabouts, then traffic lights and now this. They’re trying to normalise us. Hopefully us Islanders will continue to do what we do with the lights and roundabouts – completely ignore them.”
“I think it’s the Jobseeker’s Allowance ones. I’ve already warned the family not to be seen in work clothes or to leave the back doors of vans open. And don’t be walking about with Family Circle tins under your arm. Just look sad and beg for money when near the cameras.”
We at Tyrone Tribulations will monitor the situation and will report immediately any findings. Theresa May was unavailable for comment.
As the UK and the EU begin official talks on the well-documented leaving, many retailers and vendors across the county have confirmed that the amount of miserable hoors has already spiked with an expectation of further rises before the year is out.
Brexit, a shorthand way of saying the UK leaving the EU, has already started to affect spending habits in many shops with several retailers reporting a rise in shoppers demanding 3 for the price of 2 even when it isn’t on offer at all. Others have described punters impatiently waiting for change as low as 1p.
Patrick Lowry, a Fermanagh native who owns a chain of shops in Brackaville and Newmills, fears the worst is yet to come:
“Tyronnies have always been tight enough but the whole Brexit thing has ramped up their stinginess. I followed a man who drove the 4 miles from Coalisland to Dungannon, stopping at 6 petrol stations on the way to put 50p of petrol in each time and then freewheeling going downhill. The Lost & Found shop in Coalisland is packed every minute of the day. Miserable hoors everywhere in daylight.”
Bar managers have complained about groups of men ‘forgetting’ to bring their wallets out with them and standing just drinking tap water in pint glasses until some unfortunate friend arrives with money, with the miserable hoors asking for a pint for which they’ll never return the favour.
“Food sample stalls are destroyed within an hour. I set up a cheese stall in one of my shops and within 10 mins the extended family of a well known Brackaville clan were all around the stall eating exotic cheese for free, all 33 of them. Then they’d shake the life out of the vending machines.”
Restaurant owners in East Tyrone have complained about miserable hoors booking a table, ordering a slice of melon between them and simply taking home hundreds of sachets of salt and tomato sauce.
Today was another momentus day in the career of Coalisland’s snooker guru Dennis Taylor and the town itself as the 3-millionth person claimed to be in Coalisland the day he returned as World Champion in 1985.
Taylor, who overcame being from Tyrone and wearing glasses made by a drunk optician in a shed near Newtownkelly in the 60s, defeated Steve Davis 18-17 in the 1985 final which was finally decided on the final black.
Despite a population of 5000, by the year 2000 it was estimated that over 2 million had claimed to be in Coalisland that glorious day, finally hitting the three million mark yesterday when a 28-year-old from Brackaville said she was there too.
Jacinta Groves, who works in a hairdressers in the town, claims it was a great day:
“Although it was 32 years ago, and I’ve yet to turn 30, I definitely remember being there and seeing Taylor arriving on the back of an enormous cement lorry accompanied by Philomena Begley singing ‘He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands’. And then Taylor headed into Sullivan’s and bought about 2 millions bags of crisps and fired them out from the lorry using his snooker cue. It brings a tear to my eye even yet.”
Patsy Quinn (79), who once made a break of 13 in Gervin’s Snooker Club in the 70s, maintains the crowd were backed the whole way up the M1 to Moira in one direction and Strabane the other way:
“3 million sounds about right. Landi’s nearly ran out of sausages and we narrowly avoided a riot by convincing some people to just have beans and chips without the sausages. And Dennis Taylor is only 4 foot 5 inches so no one could see anything on the lorry. It was a bollocks of a day.”
The 3’000’000 tally surpasses the 2.5m who turned up at Edendork Hall when Darren Clarke won the British Open even though Clarke headed to Portrush himself that day.
A leaked document supposedly drawn up by the Tyrone County Board at the start of the year indicated that several radical club game proposals were considered, aimed at giving the county players the best chance at All-Ireland success.
Amongst the more controversial ideas was to play FOUR rounds of league games at midnight on a Sunday to give county players more time to train with the county all weekend, playing some games in car parks to preserve the pitches for county training, and to play at some unusual venues such as the boxing club for Ardboe/Fianna and Barcelona for Clonoe/Dromore.
A club football activist, Reginald McSherry, maintains the leaked plans is another nail in the coffin for non-county players in Tyrone:
“Doesn’t surprise me a jot. Them boys in suits really do think the new CPA stands for the Crap Players Association. Never mind the midnight games or car park venues, but to drag the Clonoe v Dromore game to the Nou Camp in Barcelona is scandalous. Everyone knows Mickey O’Neill cannot fly. He’d be driving for 2 weeks. It’s just another way to get county players off playing club games.”
The County Board also considered imposing a ban on non-county players wearing fancy-coloured boots as it was generally perceived by the board that they were getting above their station and thinking they were deadly. One proposal which did get the go-ahead was that only county players can use the official gym equipment in Garvaghey. Non-county players can use less expensive props such as wheelbarrow ramps and cans of soup.
95% of the proposals were rejected due to a delay in the paperwork but will be reviewed in 12 months depending on who’s in charge of the county team.
The recently discovered Book of Aloysious, which was dug up by a pack of hounds on a beach near the Holy Lands, has confirmed a long-held suspicion that Moses visited Coalisland in search of something around 1300BC.
The 15-line discovery described how Moses passed through the town, stopping for for refreshments and a few fights before heading on to Omagh. In an exclusive, Tyrone Tribulations can publish the passage in its entirety.
BOOK OF ALOYSIOUS:
- And Moses gave his loyal donkey one last kick so to reach what was called the ‘island.
- But donkey died of exhaustion because of the big stone thing on his back and was swiftly devoured by the locals who were a hungry people.
- Moses said onto the ‘islanders “where can thou get a drink and something to ate?”
- The ‘islanders looked at each other and one man, the leader called Sullivan, pointed at the small shop called Landees and Moses was happy.
- Moses entered Landees and hailed a supper of fish and a drink of Lilt but was surprised it cost 500 coins.
- And Moses asked Sullivan if there were any virgins for him to pick and Sullivan laughed and screamed in mock anger ‘Holy Moses, are thou kidding ye bollix?’
- Moses answered “Well then bring me a heifer three years old, a she-goat, three years old, a ram three years old, a turtle dove and a young pigeon”
- And Sullivan gave Moses the finger and said “aye I will, like” and walked off towards his own shop, laughing his head of and saying “Yer man’s pure mental”.
- A man called Lucan of Derryvale disliked Moses because of the turn in his eye and began to fight him with a sword but Moses was a great fighter and and Moses reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into Lucan of Derryvale’s belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out.
- And Moses said to bystanders “yiz’ll get the same treatment yiz shower a savages” and flashed his enormous testicles. And Mrs Lucan the new widow of Derryvale smiled. And Moses lifted the big stone thing he was carrying.
- Moses devoured his supper of fish and his drink of Lilt and made for the off-licence through a dangerous maze of donkeys because, in the ‘Island, donkeys could park anywhere.
- And Moses saw a man hanging from a light and asked a resident “Who hangs there?”
- A man with little teeth from the lowlands told him it was a donkey warden and that he was the three score and ten donkey warden to hang that week. And there was much mirth from the locals when thus was said.
- Moses purchased 4 bottles of vodka and a box of beef Mini Chips and walked towards the hill of Brackaville but not before fighting another one of the Lucans and he cursed the ‘Islanders and God sent 40 bears from Gortgonis and they starting fighting the ‘Islanders but the ‘Islanders were expert snipers and defeated the bears.
- And Moses ran like mad up towards Brackaville with his big stone, never to speak of the ‘Islanders again.
By East Tyrone reporter, Cullen Powder
Another huge political scandal is due to break out in East Tyrone concerning dogs belonging to Catholic owners receiving DLA.
In many cases the dogs are using mobility scooters and many can be seen in the predominately Republican town of Coalisland. A Protestant man with two clubbed feet complained to his local MLA Sandra Overtheedge that he has been applying for DLA for years and has been repeatedly refused the payment.
The Newmills man, who does not wish to be named, stated
“Them Fenians in the ‘Island get everthing goin. Now that the feckin dogs are getting DLA, it is the last straw “
A local Protestant dog breeder has also complained bitterly. Pam Shiver, who has three ex-Cruft champion dogs nearing retirement age, said they can barely bark never mind walk
“Them wee critters could be doin with a bit of help in their senior years. Some of them Fenian dogs are two to three years old and don’t need mobility payments.”
The reporter from Tyrone Tribulations, who saw the three Crufts dogs in a shed lying near three huge boilers, maintains it was boiling hot in the shed, almost unbearably so:
“It was roastin hot like,” he said, “either they couldn’t walk or didn’t want to leave the hate”.
The local Sinn Fein MLA couldn’t be contacted at the time. Their Coalisland office worker said she was on the rip since the election, maybe in Donegal, and added:
“Ah sure she’ll turn up at some stage.”
We contacted another Sinn Finn MLA from west of the county who stated bluntly:
“Sure we now live in a culture of entitlement and equality and dogs are as entitled to DLA as much as humans”
When pressed on the point about the religious make up of the successful applicants, he stated:
“Times have changed. Sure them Protestant farmers took millions for farm animals in subsidies; sure what’s the problem with a few dogs from the ‘Island getting DLA”
A spokesperson from the Dept of Communities added
“We will get that sorted after the next election in May or, if not, the one in September.”
A few final words on the scandal came from Cookstown:
“Sure all the dogs wear tricolor ribbons tied firmly to their chests and it wouldn’t be surprising if there is another ‘Rising’,”
said the man from the Mid Ulster Mail
Police were called to an East Tyrone drinking establishment after several punters became embroiled in a brawl over a comment made by a regular customer.
Eyewitnesses claim several chairs were smashed over heads in scenes which one drinker said resembled ‘some old bar-room brawl you’d see in the pictures with John Wayne in it‘. The incident escalated after local general expert Leo Lyons claimed that ‘there was a quare stretch in the evenings already’ which was vehemently disputed by three fellow drinkers at the Nally Stand bar in the centre of the town.
An American tourist, Hank Power, who is in the town researching his roots, described the scene:
“A man with a beard stretched back and claimed ‘there’s a quare stretch in the evenings’ to which another man with a beard told him to ‘stop talking pure bollocks’. It sort of took off from there and even the barman broke a bottle of stout over a third man who also had a beard and seemed to be from a distant land called ‘Brack-a-ville’. Even women were swinging handbags.”
Police confirmed that the brawl spilled outside onto the roundabout and fighting numbers were doubled in size when drivers heard what they were arguing about.
Scenes finally settled after the priest was called for and asked to confirm whether or not there was a quare stretch in the evenings. After some thought he declared that there wasn’t a quare stretch really, which appeared to end the riotous scenes apart from another man with a beard who threw a packet of half-eaten KP Salty Nuts at Fr Fay’s vestments as he walked back to his carriage.
Senior church-goers across the county have called on Rome officials to declare the unlawful eating of Christmas ham, by younger members of the family after returning home from midnight mass or a heavy session in the local on Christmas Eve, as a mortal sin.
Hundreds of parents have signed the petition which will be posted first class to the Vatican in the morning, according to recently appointed Coalisland deacon Finnian Farrelly.
Deacon Farrelly put meat on the bones of the argument:
“Parents like myself are sick and tired of waking up on Christmas morning only to find that the children have made a bollocks of the ham. Chunks are hacked off willy-nilly and sometimes the turkey has also been assaulted if the weans are intoxicated enough. Days of preparation down the tubes and you can’t get really mad about it on that day of all days.”
Many parents have taken matters into their own hands with a rise in firearms reportedly procured all over the county. Locks for ovens and increased sales of sophisticated alarm systems also suggest the war on ham burglars has upped a notch in 2016.
“I might be a man of the cloth but I have no reservations of firing a warning shot over the heads of my children if they come in stocious and start sniffing around the ham. They’re in their 30s; they should know better. Especially the sober ones who just went to mass.”
In 2015, over 200 dinners were ruined in the north of the country when not enough ham was left to feed the entire family on Christmas day, resulting in fist fights and trifles being fired across tables.
The PSNI have called for calm if the Vatican refuse to acknowledge the request.
The sight of a parking attendant at Coalisland may have been a one-off as it emerged that the warden in question was able to retire from his job after receiving a six-figure ‘hazardous pay’ lump sum for his task.
The warden, the first traffic official to appear in Coalisland since the 1985 Dennis Taylor’s homecoming party, was spotted at the George Best airport today flying off to Ibiza under a new identity.
A spokesperson for the Department of Infrastructure informed us:
He is the bravest man I know. Six men had already attempted the mission over the last 18 months but got as far as the Tamnamore M1 roundabout and pulled out. Mr X, as we call him, not only made it to Coalisland, but got out of his car in his official red coat and a book and pen. He’s a hero.
The DoI also revealed Mr X’s findings and intend seeking advice on the way to process his recommendations:
Mr X found that Coalisland works best when no law is adhered to. If, for example, people started to use the roundabout the way it is meant to be then it could cause untold carnage. Drivers in the town know that cars are going to tramp straight over the top of it and make necessary precautions for that.
Mr X maintains the zebra crossing in the town is now defunct and to implement proper usage of it would lead to great confusion. He witnessed an old day being verbally abused by motorists for legally using the zebra crossing, with many labelling her a ‘jay-walkin oul hoor’.
In a landmark occasion, schools from Cookstown, Dungannon, Coalisland, Ballygawley and Omagh competed in the first Schools’ Slagging Gala which replaces the traditional debating competitions as of this year.
Although Education Minister Peter Weir has yet to comment on the initiative, it is thought that the Tyrone Schools’ Slagging Gala will be used as a pilot for the rest of the country and will be monitored closely by his ministerial team.
The winners of the first ever competition was a Coalisland school who were judged to be ‘brutal slaggers‘ and ‘capable of shocking banter off the cuff‘ by the three-strong judging panel. They defeated hot favourites Ballygawley in the final when the East Tyrone school played their trump card by slagging the mothers of the Ballygawley pupils.
Chief judge Marian Maguire explained their decision:
“Coalisland showed a real talent for cutting their opponents to the bone. Ballygawley resorted to a lot of ‘aye yer ma’ or ‘you’ve a head on you like a cabbage’ which didn’t really seem to faze the eventual winners.”
It was in round two when Coalisland forged ahead when their captain called a Ballygawley contestant a ‘rare looking bastard‘ and followed up by labelling his opposite captain ‘as thick as a bull’s walt‘.
“After that, the Ballygawley school were easy fodder. They were finally defeated when a Coalisland lad said his opponent’s ma had a face on her like a bucket of smashed crabs. It was mightily impressive.
The Coalisland school now go on to play the Belfast champions.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Following the demolishing of the Coalisland Barracks this week, the Mid-Ulster council have launched a competition to the public as to what should replace it.
Already there have been over 300 suggestions ranging from a new cinema where the currency is jam jars to a corn mill that actually sells corn.
Early indications show that the idea which has garnered most votes was the suggestion of the erection of a massive hand with the middle finger raised, pointing in the direction of Brackaville, closely followed by a Coalisland Fianna Centre of Excellence which rival wags from Clonoe have renamed the Coalisland Centre of Continued Mediocrity after yesterday’s heavy defeat in the county final.
Tyrone Tribulations got out and about in the town today to ask for ideas. The following list are a snapshot of the suggestions collated during a 3-hour period standing outside Tam Sullivans:
- a ski slope
- a digger-driver training centre
- an international airport
- a ‘Deadly Craic’ theatre
- a lethal chicane for doing handbrake turns coming off Plater’s Hill
- a big triangular spin washing line
- a checked shirt shop
- a boxing ring with barbed wire for ropes to settle family disputes
- a massive catapult to send parcels to family members down south or in England
- an arms dump (for old or broken prosthetic ams)
- a statue to Garth Brooks
The new initiative has created great buzz around the town and surrounding areas although rumours tonight suggest that the Planning Department may be considering a new PSNI station.
The idea of an 18-hole crazy golf course full of old bombed out helicopters for the more nostalgic ‘Islanders was thrown out as contentious.
Following the postponement of the replayed Tyrone final between Killyclogher and Coalisland, a Tattyreagh priest warned the Omagh club that the weather will never be kind to them as long as they continue to pay homage to St Enda, the patron saint of flooding and drenchings.
St Enda, who was a lethal soldier in his day until his sister told him to quit the killing, was known for his ability to conjure serious bad weather, whether it was a call to military arms or the building of new monastery somewhere on an island. Fr McCabe maintains he lectured Omagh GAA officials that they’d have bad luck with his name:
“St Enda was a disaster with the weather. He once commissioned the building of a grotto in Glenelly and three men working on it perished with the cold, and it the middle of July. It’s no wonder that the Omagh pitch is no better than Dungannon swimming pool on its best days.”
However, the Chairman of St Enda’s in Glengormley Co Antrim maintains that this theory is ‘a load of shite’ and that ‘Omagh was always a bog of a field, saint or no saint’.
Meanwhile, it has emerged that a misunderstanding between county officials resulted in an alternative venue being overlooked in the event of bad weather. When asked to book a Plan B for Sunday, the treasurer hired London-born Plan B – the hip-hop recording artist – who insisted he was still paid for flying over to Omagh at short notice for what he thought was the half-time show.
Finally, Frank Mitchell has denied reports that he told Barra Best to tell Adrian Logan that Sunday would be the warmest day of the year. Logan has shouldered a lot of the blame for Sunday’s fiasco after tweeting his followers to bring their sun lotion on Sunday as he had it on good authority it’d be a scorcher. Mitchell and Logan fell out last year over the paying of a round of drinks at the George Best airport.
Killyclogher are calling foul play after it emerged last night that over 1000 Dubs are making their way north by foot to Omagh on a daily basis to bolster the Coalisland support for the Tyrone Senior Final replay this Sunday.
In addition, it was revealed that the Fianna committee have paid for a dozen Dublin fans to arrive on the express train tomorrow morning to offer singing lessons to the Coalisland faithful including well known ditties such as ‘Come On You Boys In Blue’ and ‘Molly Malone’.
Killyclogher vice-chairman Mesut McCann blasted:
“It’s not against the rules but it’s against the spirit of the game. They’re trying to make their crowd look bigger and sound louder. It’s a disgrace but it’ll come back to bite them. There’ll be a thousands Dubs staggering around Coalisland on Sunday night and these boys wouldn’t be known for their affection for the law. I suppose they’ll blend in rightly then.”
The Dublin/Tyrone Supporters’ Club chairperson Ronald McSherry maintains that the Dublin fans are still match-fit after their recent extended run in the All-Ireland Series and will bring an unprecedented level of pure hallionism to Sunday’s affair.
Killyclogher’s plea for Omagh fans to attend in support was laughed out of it.
Following the large turn out at the successful DUP Champagne Reception in an art gallery at the International Conference Centre in Birmingham, an East Tyrone Sinn Fein member has organised a Buckfast Breakfast in Coalisland where members and outsiders can come together and get lathered while chomping on Cookstown sausages and black puddings.
The innovative DUP initiative apparently saw members consume copious amounts of the devil’s buttermilk and, whilst under the influence, admit that a United Ireland mightn’t be that bad a thing really and that some Nationalists were actually dead on. Having sobered up by late evening, the DUP reverted back to their initial stance that Ulster is and always shall be British and that Nationalists are not to be trusted to even go to the shop for you.
Sinn Fein’s Malachy O’Neill is sure that a alcohol-fuelled event is the way to go:
“Adams is very keen about this. If they’re softening with a couple of Moets in them, what’ll they be like with a skinful of Buckfast in their system. We’re bringing along all sorts of contracts and agreement documents for them to sign whilst under the mellowing influence of the Lurgan Champagne. Might even get the curt from Arlene.”
O’Neill hopes that after the third bottle, Foster will hand over Tyrone, Fermanagh and Armagh, with Derry possibly needing a Barrack Buster thrown in.
The various current O’Neill family nicknames within the county are to be phased out and replaced with sub-clan names based on general physical characteristics.
The O’Neill Lineage and Genealogy Society have agreed that many of the current nicknames are either outdated or clouded in mystery as to their origin. They are to be re-classified on the 1st of October, categorised by location. O’Neill households are to receive official documentation within a fortnight, adding that there will be no appeal procedure for any disgruntled recipients.
The following list summarises the main changes:
O’Neills from Omagh, Plumbridge, Strabane, Dromore, Gortin and Fintona and any towns and villages west of these: The big-boned O’Neills. These O’Neills have a remarkably consistent characteristic across all families – they all have large behinds. We considered calling these clans ‘The Big-Arsed O’Neills‘ but considered that to be too crude for general consumption.
O’Neills from Carrickmore, Pomeroy, Greencastle, Galbally, Aughnacloy, Ballygawley and surrounding area: The Long-Nosed O’Neills. This breed have long, pointy faces and a matching oblong noses which makes them excellent tax-collectors or traffic wardens.
O’Neills from Dungannon, Donaghmore, Brackaville, Cookstown and Coalisland: The Square-Headed O’Neills. The O’Neills from this area have distinctive square heads, often causing difficult childbirths for O’Neill mothers. They are not to be confused with the oblong O’Neills just west of this area.
O’Neills from Ardboe, Moortown, Clonoe Parish, Moy: The Yellow O’Neills. These clans have a natural tanning during the summer, often caused by their tendency to sunbathe at the Lough shore. However, over the winter, their skin turns a remarkable yellow colour and are often wrongly diagnosed with jaundice despite being perfectly healthy. We considered naming them the Banana O’Neills but that threw up too many opportunities for people to poke fun at.
Any other O’Neills not covered by the above areas are to contact the O’Neill Society for re-classification as well as providing a photo for the same purpose.