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Club Players In Tyrone May Be Forced To Play At Midnight, In Car Parks

 

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Brackaville, at night.

A leaked document supposedly drawn up by the Tyrone County Board at the start of the year indicated that several radical club game proposals were considered, aimed at giving the county players the best chance at All-Ireland success. 

 

Amongst the more controversial ideas was to play FOUR rounds of league games at midnight on a Sunday to give county players more time to train with the county all weekend, playing some games in car parks to preserve the pitches for county training, and to play at some unusual venues such as the boxing club for Ardboe/Fianna and Barcelona for Clonoe/Dromore.

A club football activist, Reginald McSherry, maintains the leaked plans is another nail in the coffin for non-county players in Tyrone:

“Doesn’t surprise me a jot. Them boys in suits really do think the new CPA stands for the Crap Players Association. Never mind the midnight games or car park venues, but to drag the Clonoe v Dromore game to the Nou Camp in Barcelona is scandalous. Everyone knows Mickey O’Neill cannot fly. He’d be driving for 2 weeks. It’s just another way to get county players off playing club games.”

The County Board also considered imposing a ban on non-county players wearing fancy-coloured boots as it was generally perceived by the board that they were getting above their station and thinking they were deadly. One proposal which did get the go-ahead was that only county players can use the official gym equipment in Garvaghey. Non-county players can use less expensive props such as wheelbarrow ramps and cans of soup.

95% of the proposals were rejected due to a delay in the paperwork but will be reviewed in 12 months depending on who’s in charge of the county team.

Lost Old Testament Verse Confirms Moses Visited Coalisland

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Moses approaching the Lineside

The recently discovered Book of Aloysious, which was dug up by a pack of hounds on a beach near the Holy Lands, has confirmed a long-held suspicion that Moses visited Coalisland in search of something around 1300BC.

The 15-line discovery described how Moses passed through the town, stopping for for refreshments and a few fights before heading on to Omagh. In an exclusive, Tyrone Tribulations can publish the passage in its entirety.

BOOK OF ALOYSIOUS:

  1. And Moses gave his loyal donkey one last kick so to reach what was called the ‘island.
  2. But donkey died of exhaustion because of the big stone thing on his back and was swiftly devoured by the locals who were a hungry people.
  3. Moses said onto the ‘islanders “where can thou get a drink and something to ate?”
  4. The ‘islanders looked at each other and one man, the leader called Sullivan, pointed at the small shop called Landees and Moses was happy.
  5. Moses entered Landees and hailed a supper of fish and a drink of Lilt but was surprised it cost 500 coins.
  6. And Moses asked Sullivan if there were any virgins for him to pick and Sullivan laughed and screamed in mock anger ‘Holy Moses, are thou kidding ye bollix?’
  7. Moses answered “Well then bring me a heifer three years old, a she-goat, three years old, a ram three years old, a turtle dove and a young pigeon”
  8. And Sullivan gave Moses the finger and said “aye I will, like” and walked off towards his own shop, laughing his head of and saying “Yer man’s pure mental”.
  9. A man called Lucan of Derryvale disliked Moses because of the turn in his eye and began to fight him with a sword but Moses was a great fighter and and Moses reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into Lucan of Derryvale’s belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out.
  10. And Moses said to bystanders “yiz’ll get the same treatment yiz shower a savages” and flashed his enormous testicles. And Mrs Lucan the new widow of Derryvale smiled. And Moses lifted the big stone thing he was carrying.
  11. Moses devoured his supper of fish and his drink of Lilt and made for the off-licence through a dangerous maze of donkeys because, in the ‘Island, donkeys could park anywhere.
  12. And Moses saw a man hanging from a light and asked a resident “Who hangs there?”
  13. A man with little teeth from the lowlands told him it was a donkey warden and that he was the three score and ten donkey warden to hang that week. And there was much mirth from the locals when thus was said.
  14. Moses purchased 4 bottles of vodka and a box of beef Mini Chips and walked towards the hill of Brackaville but not before fighting another one of the Lucans and he cursed the ‘Islanders and God sent 40 bears from Gortgonis and they starting fighting the ‘Islanders but the ‘Islanders were expert snipers and defeated the bears.
  15. And Moses ran like mad up towards Brackaville with his big stone, never to speak of the ‘Islanders again.

Catholic Dogs Getting DLA In Coalisland

 

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Republican dog on mobility scooter in Coalisland

 

By East Tyrone reporter, Cullen Powder

Another huge political scandal is due to break out in East Tyrone concerning dogs belonging to Catholic owners receiving DLA.

In many cases the dogs are using mobility scooters and many can be seen in the predominately Republican town of Coalisland.  A Protestant man with two clubbed feet complained to his local MLA Sandra Overtheedge that he has been applying for DLA for years and has been repeatedly refused the payment.

The Newmills man, who does not wish to be named, stated

 “Them Fenians in the ‘Island get everthing  goin. Now that the feckin dogs are getting DLA, it is the last straw “

A local Protestant dog breeder has also complained bitterly. Pam Shiver, who has three ex-Cruft champion dogs nearing retirement age, said they can barely bark never mind walk

“Them wee critters could be doin with a bit of help in their senior years. Some of them Fenian dogs are two to three years old and don’t need mobility payments.”

The reporter from Tyrone Tribulations, who saw the three Crufts dogs in a shed lying near three huge boilers, maintains it was boiling hot in the shed, almost unbearably so:

“It was roastin hot like,” he said, “either they couldn’t walk or didn’t want to leave the hate”.

The local Sinn Fein MLA couldn’t be contacted at the time. Their Coalisland office worker said she was on the rip since the election, maybe in Donegal, and added:

“Ah sure she’ll turn up at some stage.”

We contacted another Sinn Finn MLA from west of the county who stated bluntly:

“Sure we now live in a culture of entitlement and equality and dogs are as entitled to DLA as much as humans”

When pressed on the point about the religious make up of the successful applicants, he stated:

“Times have changed. Sure them Protestant farmers took millions for farm animals in subsidies; sure what’s the problem with a few dogs from the ‘Island getting DLA”

A spokesperson from the Dept of Communities added

“We  will get that sorted after the next election in May or, if not, the one in September.”

A few final words on the scandal came from Cookstown:

“Sure all the dogs wear tricolor ribbons tied firmly to their chests and it wouldn’t be surprising if there is another ‘Rising’,”

said the man from the Mid Ulster Mail

Brawl In Coalisland Pub Over Quare Stretch In The Evening Comment

malahidesunsetPolice were called to an East Tyrone drinking establishment after several punters became embroiled in a brawl over a comment made by a regular customer. 

Eyewitnesses claim several chairs were smashed over heads in scenes which one drinker said resembled ‘some old bar-room brawl you’d see in the pictures with John Wayne in it‘. The incident escalated after local general expert Leo Lyons claimed that ‘there was a quare stretch in the evenings already’ which was vehemently disputed by three fellow drinkers at the Nally Stand bar in the centre of the town.

An American tourist, Hank Power, who is in the town researching his roots, described the scene:

“A man with a beard stretched back and claimed ‘there’s a quare stretch in the evenings’ to which another man with a beard told him to ‘stop talking pure bollocks’. It sort of took off from there and even the barman broke a bottle of stout over a third man who also had a beard and seemed to be from a distant land called ‘Brack-a-ville’. Even women were swinging handbags.”

Police confirmed that the brawl spilled outside onto the roundabout and fighting numbers were doubled in size when drivers heard what they were arguing about.

Scenes finally settled after the priest was called for and asked to confirm whether or not there was a quare stretch in the evenings. After some thought he declared that there wasn’t a quare stretch really, which appeared to end the riotous scenes apart from another man with a beard who threw a packet of half-eaten KP Salty Nuts at Fr Fay’s vestments as he walked back to his carriage.

Calls For Vatican To Condemn Sneaky Ham Eating After Midnight Mass Or Session

ea1d06_city-ham_s4x3Senior church-goers across the county have called on Rome officials to declare the unlawful eating of Christmas ham, by younger members of the family after returning home from midnight mass or a heavy session in the local on Christmas Eve, as a mortal sin.

Hundreds of parents have signed the petition which will be posted first class to the Vatican in the morning, according to recently appointed Coalisland deacon Finnian Farrelly.

Deacon Farrelly put meat on the bones of the argument:

“Parents like myself are sick and tired of waking up on Christmas morning only to find that the children have made a bollocks of the ham. Chunks are hacked off willy-nilly and sometimes the turkey has also been assaulted if the weans are intoxicated enough. Days of preparation down the tubes and you can’t get really mad about it on that day of all days.”

Many parents have taken matters into their own hands with a rise in firearms reportedly procured all over the county. Locks for ovens and increased sales of sophisticated alarm systems also suggest the war on ham burglars has upped a notch in 2016.

“I might be a man of the cloth but I have no reservations of firing a warning shot over the heads of my children if they come in stocious and start sniffing around the ham. They’re in their 30s; they should know better. Especially the sober ones who just went to mass.”

In 2015, over 200 dinners were ruined in the north of the country when not enough ham was left to feed the entire family on Christmas day, resulting in fist fights and trifles being fired across tables.

The PSNI have called for calm if the Vatican refuse to acknowledge the request.

Coalisland Traffic Warden Able To Retire On Substantial Danger Money

10343471453804jpg_fotorThe sight of a parking attendant at Coalisland may have been a one-off as it emerged that the warden in question was able to retire from his job after receiving a six-figure ‘hazardous pay’ lump sum for his task.

The warden, the first traffic official to appear in Coalisland since the 1985 Dennis Taylor’s homecoming party, was spotted at the George Best airport today flying off to Ibiza under a new identity.

A spokesperson for the Department of Infrastructure informed us:

He is the bravest man I know. Six men had already attempted the mission over the last 18 months but got as far as the Tamnamore M1 roundabout and pulled out. Mr X, as we call him, not only made it to Coalisland, but got out of his car in his official red coat and a book and pen. He’s a hero.

The DoI also revealed Mr X’s findings and intend seeking advice on the way to process his recommendations:

Mr X found that Coalisland works best when no law is adhered to. If, for example, people started to use the roundabout the way it is meant to be then it could cause untold carnage. Drivers in the town know that cars are going to tramp straight over the top of it and make necessary precautions for that.

Mr X maintains the zebra crossing in the town is now defunct and to implement proper usage of it would lead to great confusion. He witnessed an old day being verbally abused by motorists for legally using the zebra crossing, with many labelling her a ‘jay-walkin oul hoor’.

Tyrone Schools Participate In Inaugural Slagging Competition

a21dbba9-eb6c-40bf-b141-cb8f3cab4529-1In a landmark occasion, schools from Cookstown, Dungannon, Coalisland, Ballygawley and Omagh competed in the first Schools’ Slagging Gala which replaces the traditional debating competitions as of this year. 

Although Education Minister Peter Weir has yet to comment on the initiative, it is thought that the Tyrone Schools’ Slagging Gala will be used as a pilot for the rest of the country and will be monitored closely by his ministerial team.

The winners of the first ever competition was a Coalisland school who were judged to be ‘brutal slaggers‘ and ‘capable of shocking banter off the cuff‘ by the three-strong judging panel. They defeated hot favourites Ballygawley in the final when the East Tyrone school played their trump card by slagging the mothers of the Ballygawley pupils.

Chief judge Marian Maguire explained their decision:

“Coalisland showed a real talent for cutting their opponents to the bone. Ballygawley resorted to a lot of ‘aye yer ma’ or ‘you’ve a head on you like a cabbage’ which didn’t really seem to faze the eventual winners.”

It was in round two when Coalisland forged ahead when their captain called a Ballygawley contestant a ‘rare looking bastard‘ and followed up by labelling his opposite captain ‘as thick as a bull’s walt‘.

“After that, the Ballygawley school were easy fodder. They were finally defeated when a Coalisland lad said his opponent’s ma had a face on her like a bucket of smashed crabs. It was mightily impressive.

added Maguire.

The Coalisland school now go on to play the Belfast champions.

Mid Ulster Council Open Suggestion Box For Coalisland Barracks Replacement

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By Aughoughilley Schniffles old-man-laughing

Following the demolishing of the Coalisland Barracks this week, the Mid-Ulster council have launched a competition to the public as to what should replace it. 

Already there have been over 300 suggestions ranging from a new cinema where the currency is jam jars to a corn mill that actually sells corn.

Early indications show that the idea which has garnered most votes was the suggestion of the erection of a massive hand with the middle finger raised, pointing in the direction of Brackaville, closely followed by a Coalisland Fianna Centre of Excellence which rival wags from Clonoe have renamed the Coalisland Centre of Continued Mediocrity after yesterday’s heavy defeat in the county final.

Tyrone Tribulations got out and about in the town today to ask for ideas. The following list are a snapshot of the suggestions collated during a 3-hour period standing outside Tam Sullivans:

  • a ski slope
  • a digger-driver training centre
  • an international airport
  • a ‘Deadly Craic’ theatre
  • a lethal chicane for doing handbrake turns coming off Plater’s Hill
  • a big triangular spin washing line
  • a checked shirt shop
  • a boxing ring with barbed wire for ropes to settle family disputes
  • a massive catapult to send parcels to family members down south or in England
  • an arms dump (for old or broken prosthetic ams)
  • a statue to Garth Brooks

The new initiative has created great buzz around the town and surrounding areas although rumours tonight suggest that the Planning Department may be considering a new PSNI station.

The idea of an 18-hole crazy golf course full of old bombed out helicopters for the more nostalgic ‘Islanders was thrown out as contentious.

St Enda, The Patron Saint Of Flooding, A ‘Bad Choice’ For Omagh Says Priest

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Omagh this evening

Following the postponement of the replayed Tyrone final between Killyclogher and Coalisland, a Tattyreagh priest warned the Omagh club that the weather will never be kind to them as long as they continue to pay homage to St Enda, the patron saint of flooding and drenchings.

St Enda, who was a lethal soldier in his day until his sister told him to quit the killing, was known for his ability to conjure serious bad weather, whether it was a call to military arms or the building of new monastery somewhere on an island. Fr McCabe maintains he lectured Omagh GAA officials that they’d have bad luck with his name:

“St Enda was a disaster with the weather. He once commissioned the building of a grotto in Glenelly and three men working on it perished with the cold, and it the middle of July. It’s no wonder that the Omagh pitch is no better than Dungannon swimming pool on its best days.”

However, the Chairman of St Enda’s in Glengormley Co Antrim maintains that this theory is ‘a load of shite’ and that ‘Omagh was always a bog of a field, saint or no saint’.

Meanwhile, it has emerged that a misunderstanding between county officials resulted in an alternative venue being overlooked in the event of bad weather. When asked to book a Plan B for Sunday, the treasurer hired London-born Plan B – the hip-hop recording artist – who insisted he was still paid for flying over to Omagh at short notice for what he thought was the half-time show.

Finally, Frank Mitchell has denied reports that he told Barra Best to tell Adrian Logan that Sunday would be the warmest day of the year. Logan has shouldered a lot of the blame for Sunday’s fiasco after tweeting his followers to bring their sun lotion on Sunday as he had it on good authority it’d be a scorcher. Mitchell and Logan fell out last year over the paying of a round of drinks at the George Best airport.

Coalisland Fianna Hire 1000 Dublin Supporters For Replay

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Omagh this Sunday

Killyclogher are calling foul play after it emerged last night that over 1000 Dubs are making their way north by foot to Omagh on a daily basis to bolster the Coalisland support for the Tyrone Senior Final replay this Sunday.

In addition, it was revealed that the Fianna committee have paid for a dozen Dublin fans to arrive on the express train tomorrow morning to offer singing lessons to the Coalisland faithful including well known ditties such as ‘Come On You Boys In Blue’ and ‘Molly Malone’.

Killyclogher vice-chairman Mesut McCann blasted:

“It’s not against the rules but it’s against the spirit of the game. They’re trying to make their crowd look bigger and sound louder. It’s a disgrace but it’ll come back to bite them. There’ll be a thousands Dubs staggering around Coalisland on Sunday night and these boys wouldn’t be known for their affection for the law. I suppose they’ll blend in rightly then.”

The Dublin/Tyrone Supporters’ Club chairperson Ronald McSherry maintains that the Dublin fans are still match-fit after their recent extended run in the All-Ireland Series and will bring an unprecedented level of pure hallionism to Sunday’s affair.

Killyclogher’s plea for Omagh fans to attend in support was laughed out of it.

Sinn Fein To Host Buckfast Breakfast After Success Of DUP’s Champagne Lunch

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Arlene at Sinn Fein bash?

Following the large turn out at the successful DUP Champagne Reception in an art gallery at the International Conference Centre in Birmingham, an East Tyrone Sinn Fein member has organised a Buckfast Breakfast in Coalisland where members and outsiders can come together and get lathered while chomping on Cookstown sausages and black puddings. 

The innovative DUP initiative apparently saw members consume copious amounts of the devil’s buttermilk and, whilst under the influence, admit that a United Ireland mightn’t be that bad a thing really and that some Nationalists were actually dead on. Having sobered up by late evening, the DUP reverted back to their initial stance that Ulster is and always shall be British and that Nationalists are not to be trusted to even go to the shop for you.

Sinn Fein’s Malachy O’Neill is sure that a alcohol-fuelled event is the way to go:

“Adams is very keen about this. If they’re softening with a couple of Moets in them, what’ll they be like with a skinful of Buckfast in their system. We’re bringing along all sorts of contracts and agreement documents for them to sign whilst under the mellowing influence of the Lurgan Champagne. Might even get the curt from Arlene.”

O’Neill hopes that after the third bottle, Foster will hand over Tyrone, Fermanagh and Armagh, with Derry possibly needing a Barrack Buster thrown in.

Tyrone O’Neills To Be Re-Classified On Physical Characteristics

Typical O'Neill from Coalisland

Typical O’Neill from Coalisland

The various current O’Neill family nicknames within the county are to be phased out and replaced with sub-clan names based on general physical characteristics.

The O’Neill Lineage and Genealogy Society have agreed that many of the current nicknames are either outdated or clouded in mystery as to their origin. They are to be re-classified on the 1st of October, categorised by location. O’Neill households are to receive official documentation within a fortnight, adding that there will be no appeal procedure for any disgruntled recipients.

The following list summarises the main changes:

O’Neills from Omagh, Plumbridge, Strabane, Dromore, Gortin and Fintona and any towns and villages west of these: The big-boned O’Neills. These O’Neills have a remarkably consistent characteristic across all families – they all have large behinds. We considered calling these clans ‘The Big-Arsed O’Neills‘ but considered that to be too crude for general consumption.

O’Neills from Carrickmore, Pomeroy, Greencastle, Galbally, Aughnacloy, Ballygawley and surrounding area: The Long-Nosed O’Neills. This breed have long, pointy faces and a matching oblong noses which makes them excellent tax-collectors or traffic wardens.

O’Neills from Dungannon, Donaghmore, Brackaville, Cookstown and Coalisland: The Square-Headed O’Neills. The O’Neills from this area have distinctive square heads, often causing difficult childbirths for O’Neill mothers. They are not to be confused with the oblong O’Neills just west of this area.

O’Neills from Ardboe, Moortown, Clonoe Parish, Moy: The Yellow O’Neills. These clans have a natural tanning during the summer, often caused by their tendency to sunbathe at the Lough shore. However, over the winter, their skin turns a remarkable yellow colour and are often wrongly diagnosed with jaundice despite being perfectly healthy. We considered naming them the Banana O’Neills but that threw up too many opportunities for people to poke fun at.

Any other O’Neills not covered by the above areas are to contact the O’Neill Society for re-classification as well as providing a photo for the same purpose.

McElduff Fury Over Heated Bus Shelters In Co Down

Caribou heated bus shelterTyrone MLA Barry McElduff has reacted furiously to the news that Sinn Fein’s Chris Hazard, the first Minister for Infrastructure, will spend all new money on heated bus stops in County Down.

Hazard, from Drumaness in Co Down, has reportedly been sickened by constant badgering by his party comrade McElduff regarding sorting out the A5 road saga. In response, Hazard has allegedly decided to spend over £3.5m on heated bus shelters in Crossgar, Killyleagh, Ardglass, Portaferry, Downpatrick and Newtownards as well as other minor villages and townlands in his native county.

A dumbfounded McElduff was reportedly seen stomping up and down the hill in Stormont muttering things like ‘typical stoop’ and ‘we exist yknow’

A close confidante of McElduff’s added:

“Obviously I’m not going to say too much about it but Barry’s clean mad about this. He was sure having a Shinner in the infrastructure gig would see the A5 as the number one issue for the next couple of years. The announcement of the heated bus stops in Down has knocked him for six. The worst part of it is that Down ones wouldn’t be short of money normally and you’d see rakes of them with fur coats on anyway standing at the bus stops. And a lot of Down ones don’t use public transport as they’ve 2 or 3 cars normally.”

The news of the heated bus stops also comes as a blow to Coalisland residents as it was hoped that some of the money was to be set aside for the erection of a car parking facility where up to three cars can park in a legal fashion within parking white lines and all.

“We were even going to run courses on parking in a mannerly fashion”

remarked the town’s Lord Mayor Bosco ‘The Spanner’ Coleman.

How Brexit Affected Tyrone

EU-FLagBREXIT FOILS MICKEY HARTE’S FREE TAKING SOLUTION

Mickey Harte, who has lamented the lack of a reliable free-taker in recent years, has been forced to shelve plans to unleash a Portuguese corner forward with a lethal left foot after the Lisbon-born sharp-shooter flew back to his native country following the EU Referendum.

Luis Barros, who honed his skills watching all of last year’s Sunday Game, played in a training game last Tuesday, scoring 0-6 from play off Aidan McCrory as well as notching 0-4 from free kicks before being substituted before half time, suffering from hypothermia in Garvaghey.

Despite being secretly told he’ll probably be starting at the expense of Conor McAliskey, Barros was seen at Aldergrove airport boarding a plane to Lisbon whilst reading a paper and shaking his head.

YIZ DESERVE IT SAYS RED HAND PENSIONERS

In a straw poll outside an old people’s home in Cappagh, Tyrone’s pensioners have revealed a list of reasons why they voted en masse to leave the EU – twerking, texting, sexting, the Kardashians, Chris Evans, chewing gum, bad punctuation, public affection, tattoos, mumbling, nicknames, video games, rap music, alcopops.

“Yiz deserve it,” added a 98-year old from Galbally, before asking what the question was.

PUB IN COALISLAND OVER-REACTS BY BANNING EURO GAMES ON THE TV

A pub in Coalisland has vowed to uphold its decision to bar the transmission of any of the remainder of the European Championships in case they’re fined by somebody. Despite protests by supporters of the Republic of Ireland and the Northern Ireland supporter in the town, bar owner Brian Bulldozer Conlon maintains it’s a rule here to stay:

“I’m not taking any chances. Them boys in London will fine the balls off us I think if they catch us watching the Euros. It’s in the small print I reckon.”

Coalisland Set To Sue Iceland And Possibly France

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Iceland tonight

 

Iceland, who are appearing in their first major soccer championships, have always been happily known as Iceland ever since the ice-age. However, it appears that following a trip from a group of Coalisland GAA players to Reykjavik for a sub-zero training camp to prepare for games in the high altitude of Carrickmore and Strabane, the Icelandic Federation have adopted their pronunciation of Coalisland as their Euro’16 name for the top let hand corner of the TV.

Coalisland stalwart Renoir McSherry added:

“Them boys kept asking us questions about the town and about Landi’s deals on cowboy suppers and stuff. We kept saying it’s hard to bate the ‘island for a good feed. It’s now quite obvious, after watching their 1-1 draw against the Portygal, that they’ve adopted L’islande after hearing it from us. I feel raw and hard done by. We’ll be taking them boys to Omagh court.”

The (CNCG) Coalisland Name Conservation Group’s chairwoman Sheila McAteer has also threatened to sue the French nation for making up a new word based on their own local pronunciation of the town and are calling for both France and Iceland to be thrown out of the competition.

“It’s the only way these people will have manners put on them. And it’ll let them know we haven’t forgotten about the Thierry Henry handball either. “

Meanwhile, the CNCG are looking into renaming Annagher ‘Belgium’ if their case against Iceland is unsuccessful.

Smug Brackaville Man Was Still Using Snow Chains On Tyres

hqdefaultA 49-year old Brackaville man was described as ‘cocky’ and ‘unbearable’ after his Renault Scenic repeatedly scorched through Coalisland yesterday morning after a sharp snowstorm covered the east Tyrone town, still using the snow chains he put on in December.

Teddy McGuinness, who works as a part-time traffic light inspector, is also suspected of spraying ‘who’s laughing now, yiz wankers‘ on the side wall of a prominent Coalisland pub overnight.

McGuinness’ one-time friend and fellow train enthusiast Leo Maguire admitted it’ll be hard to ignored the smug demeanour of the Brackaville man:

“To be fair to him, he’s been shipping some stick for months now over his refusal to take off the snow chains from his motor and tractor too. He even drove to Dublin at the weekend to the game on the snow chains and was getting some expletive comments from passers-by on the M1. He kept saying ‘it’s coming, yiz wankers‘ but we would just laugh him out of it, especially as it was approaching May.”

After the snow fell, McGuinness reportedly sped through the town over 20 times on Thursday morning, running errands for neighbours as well as strangers, manically driving over kerbs to avoid traffic jams due to the adverse conditions and beeping at anyone showing hesitancy. Maguire confirmed:

“He was in some form in the Central Bar last night, sitting there with a big cocky head on him, making stupid snow jokes about everything anyone said. I’m convinced it was him who wrote that stuff on the side of the pub wall too. He’s always calling people wankers.”

It was reported that McGuinness finally took off the snow chains this morning from his Renault and Massey Ferguson and has taken to applying factor 50 coconut suntan lotion in preparation for the heatwave some time in the near future, despite serious slagging from locals already.

 

Good Samaritan Mistakenly Buys Dirty-Looking Man A Fish Supper In Landi’s, Coalisland.

Fish and Chips cod food standards agencyA 55-year old retired teacher has admitted to feeling awkward after she bought who she thought was a down-and-out stranger a fish supper when she saw him covered in dirt and licking salt from a napkin. It was only after a waitress brought him over his own order of a battered sausage meal that she realised she’d made an error of judgement.

Kitty O’Neill, who taught Sums at the local comprehensive school before taking a retirement package after firing a lump of chalk at a coughing child, subsequently left the cafe without her order such was her embarrassment. She explained:

“I just saw this man opening salt packets and pouring them onto a napkin and swallowing the stuff. He was covered in oil and dirt and I had all these visions of a man on his own walking the roads looking for someone to rest for the night. I thought he was a wandering tramp so I took pity on him and bought him a fish supper. Turns out he’s a local car mechanic who loves salt and was just waiting on his own meal. To make it worse I know him and he’s a miserly oul bollocks with money to burn.”

The mechanic, known locally as oily Olly, proceeded to eat both meals and washed them down with three tins of Lilt, without questioning the reason for the unusual gift. Mrs O’Neill added:

“I even set the meal down in front of him and said ‘God bless you’. He just nodded and said ‘right you are’ and started scoffing the supper. He didn’t even look surprised. When I saw his own order arriving I did a runner.”

Mrs O’Neill confirmed later that she went back that night and got herself a chicken burger.

 

Coalisland Man Angered At Northern Ireland Soccer Scarf Christmas Present From Wife

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Seen on Gumtree today from Coalisland address

A Coalisland stove-fitter is said to be still in an agitated state after he received a Northern Ireland soccer scarf from his long-standing wife, with the Derry-native maintaining it was an innocent error.

Terence McNeill, who has a season ticket at the Aviva Stadium in Dublin and was mascot for the Republic of Ireland v Malta in 1988, had to leave his watering establishment last night well before throwing out time due to relentless slagging and continuous playing of ‘God Save The Queen’ by the pub’s resident DJ.

Still seething, the multi-lingual handyman fumed:

“How did you think I’d react? She even got it signed by the NI squad and it also had a personal message from Kyle Lafferty. Imagine how a Moygashel True Blues Flute Band member would react if he woke up to a Carrickmore GAA jersey as his main present. He’d be as ripping as I am.”

Close friend and drinking partner Noel Devlin admitted it was the best Christmas night ever in O’Neill’s pub in the town:

“When word got out that Mrs McNeill had made the fatal error, we decorated the pub with pictures of Billy Bingham and kept chanting ‘Stand Up For The Ulster Men’ every time he stood up to go to the bar or toilet. We’d like to thank Mrs McNeill for a wonderful Christmas.”

Meanwhile, local photographer Olly Kerr has issued an appeal for unwanted boxer shorts as he didn’t get the amount he’d expected and had thrown hundreds of old ones out last week in preparation for a new batch.

Coalisland’s Controversial Waste Digestion Plant To Be Fed Joe Brolly Articles

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A ‘Brollyed’ field

Despite fears from local residents,the plant which will see slurry and silage used to generate electricity near Coalisland will be kick-started by over 300 tonnes of articles penned by Joe Brolly as well as transcriptions from his TV appearances before enough slurry can be collected.

The proposal will see a 500KW digester that will take 10,950 tonnes of silage and 1,450 tonnes of slurry a year. Local scientist Paddy Quinn maintains Joe’s words will have a similar effect as that produced by animal waste:

“We tested over 300 products but the one which shone brightest was Joe Brolly’s thoughts, even more so than Donald Trump’s, Katie Hopkins’ or David Cameron’s. It’s quite remarkable and another string to this incredible fellow’s bow. A 3-minute transcript of a Brolly speech produces the same electricity as 40 tonnes of slurry.”

The development at Ballynakelly will generate enough electricity to power 500 homes and help Northern Ireland meet its renewable energy targets.

The Concerned Residents Committee have urged local politicians to oppose the idea, especially now that the waft of the Dungiven man’s words will fill the air for the first few weeks. In a statement they added:

“The slurry and the silage is bad enough but Brolly’s thoughts are something we’re not prepared to digest, in more ways than one.”

Local farmers have long-admired the fertilising qualities of Brolly’s newspaper articles.

Meanwhile, the PSNI crime prevention team have reminded locals that the new source of electricity should not be used for generators powering outhouses for illegal poitin-making operations or the like.

Derrytresk Folk Starting To Develop Scaly Complexion After Latest Deluge Of Rain

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Derrytresk man in 10 years?

An eminent Coalisland doctor has revealed blood tests confirm that up to 100 Derrytresk folk have started to show fish-like characteristics such as scaliness, excess pouting as well as casually eating worms and maggots.

The latest developments follow on from a nightmare fortnight for the beleaguered East Tyrone residents, after over 9 feet of rain fell every day since November 20th. Sightings of blue whales and cruise ships have yet to be confirmed as a 4 mile radius remains underwater today.

Local historian and cultural enthusiast Mr E Campbell admitted there has definitely been a shape-shift amongst residents of the general Derrytresk area since the recent bout of exceptionally heavy rain.

“There has been a visible change this time alright. I think our DNA down here has been gradually warped with the continuous retention of surface water, and the doctor’s tests confirmed we are almost mermaids and whatever the male equivalent of that is. You see people flapping about all the time now.”

Dr McKinney, who has been treating Derrytreskonians since 1956, is adamant that there’s no stopping the recent developments:

“I’ve always said the Derrytresk ones were cold-blooded and slippery in the metaphorical sense. But now it’s literally and physically true. I had a Hill woman in last week and she started pouting like mad. I thought it was some kind of romantic manoeuvre so I pretended to be sick myself and got rid of her.”

Meanwhile, the Lough Neagh Conservation Group have warned Asian tourists that they will shoot on sight anyone attempting to sail into Coalisland from Liverpool via the Bann, Lough Neagh and the newly formed Derrytresk Waterway.

 

 

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