International press have descended on East Tyrone ahead of the crucial Clonoe/Coalisland play-off this Saturday, with police pleading to non-ticket holders that batons will be used if they attempt to gain access to the Clonoe ground before the relegation decider.

An estimated 20’000 supporters are expected to try to gain access to the 1000-capacity ground, with many homes in the area offering B&B facilities for astronomical prices, despite only putting on sausage sandwiches and milk. Already, 3000 hopefuls have set up camp in hedges along the Washingbay Road, with helicopters shouting warnings and spraying them with water and rocks to disperse the numbers.

New York Times journalist Bruce Taggart, who has ancestors in the area, explained:

“We’ve travelled 1000s of miles for this game. It’s all the talk in the States. Most Fianna supporters are from New York itself, with many Clonoe fans emerging from the hillbilly states. I’m worried about getting in to see it now although Tessies are doing a chipped firestick screening.”

The police were called to Coalisland earlier today after two seemingly friendly rivals engaged in a fistfight regarding the outcome of the weekend’s game. Ronnie McSheery and Olly McNeill, two local celebrities, had to be separated after McSheery alleged that Clonoe only bate Coalisland in 1991 because they poached Derrytresk’s best player.