Category Archives: Moygashel
Knick-Knack sellers in traditionally Protestant areas of Tyrone have been caught cashing in on the latest demographic figures for NI by targeting the Catholic majority, according to bargain hunters this morning.
The census figures, detailing the religious make-up of Northern Ireland were published by the Northern Ireland Statistics and Research Agency (Nisra) on Thursday. Already, a charity shop in Sion Mills was forced to close after they started selling biographies of previous Popes as well as flashing Virgin Marys, incurring the wrath of several loyal pensioners who ended up stoning the windows.
Moygashel native and former UDR man Willie Black admitted he bought in a load of knee pads for kneeling in the church, from China, after he heard the census results:
“You have to be ruthless in this business. If there are more of themuns, there’s no point in me selling novelty sashes and UDA badges any more. I might have to move to Eglish though for my own safety.”
In Newmills, the local pub was selling Guinness with shamrock heads on them in a change from their usual English bitter and a packet of pork scratchings.
Meanwhile, Protestant schools have started teaching the letter ‘h’ the same way as Catholic schools in case their bosses are Catholic in the future.
A long-forgotten rule in the GAA rulebook was unearthed by a fanatic in Bessbrook this morning, indicating that if one county defeats a neighbouring county three times within a year, then the losing county must nominate a 5-mile radius to be handed over to the victorious county for 12 months, before the end of that calendar year.
Dualta Moriarty, who stumbled across the rule when unsuccessfully looking for a different rule regarding calling an umpire a ‘glipe’, also explained how the losing county must nominate the piece of land to be handed over, without consulting the affected community.
Rule 34.2.3 of the official GAA rulebook has been forwarded to the Tyrone county board who have a preliminary shortlist already drawn up which includes Eglish, Moygashel, Windmill, Urney and Fivemiletown.
Trillick was initially included in the shortlist but was withdrawn after an objection from Fermanagh who already lay claim to most of the area.
Eglish man Tommy Jordan warned the county board:
“See if those hoors in Garvaghey sell us down the river, they’ll never have a McGleenan or McKenna play for the county again”
Moygashel residents have welcomed their nomination, stating that they love the Armagh jersey.
The DUP and UUP have formed middle ground in the Fermanagh/South Tyrone electoral seat, merging to form the newly title DUUUUUPED party. Although a leader is yet to be decided, it has been reported than in an arm-wrestling contest, Arlene Foster destroyed Tom Elliot within ten seconds before shouting ‘who’s the daddy?’.
Regarding the new name, UUP insider Billy Norman explained its etymology:
“The DUP wanted DUUUUUP but that was too much like their old name we thought and not enough like the UUP. So we added ‘ED’ to the end of it just in case the Unionist electorate thought they were being duped. Which they’re not.”
The new party will have a big launch in Moygashel today with the local Blue Fluttery Boys Band providing light entertainment. There was also be small sausage rolls and things like that.
Early indications suggest they will campaign for more paintable kerb stones and lamp posts, something they claim Sinn Fein’s Michelle Gildernew has purposely overlooked.
Meanwhile, a Moortown man has been told to put back the election posters he took down of a prominent female SDLP candidate which he used to decorate his home. He was also warned not to drive around the area again with one of the posters in the passenger seat, talking to it and petting it.
The Flags Commission have issued a final recommendation that all lamp posts be taken down for at least five years in order to address the tricky flags conundrum the group were set up to solve.
They also added that anyone wishing to fly a flag of any sort should have their own portable lamp post and walk around with it. Any unattended lamp posts will be confiscated by a lamp post watchdog committee who will lurk in all counties in unmarked cars.
The Flags Commission treasurer Chris Campbell revealed they have already started removing lamp posts in areas like Moygashel and Larne as a trial run:
“It does make the streets a bit darker we admit, but with the advent of mobile phones and health watches there should be enough light generated to complete a safe journey by foot.”
Already, three portable lamp post manufacturers have sprung up locally with the help of a grant set up by the newly formed Northern Irish Renewable Light Incentive.
Carrying his own lamp post with flag attached, Dungannon man Norman Hanson admitted the whole ordeal is starting to get a bit cumbersome:
“The whole ordeal is starting to get a bit cumbersome. God Save The Queen.”
Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA have hinted that they will give out free portable lamp posts if the senior team progress to the latter stages of the Championship this year.
Government officials have admitted that the rise in banana trees popping up around Moygashel and the greater Dungannon area may be linked to the amount of RHI beneficiaries who left their doors open whilst burning pellets by the million.
At the last count, over 20’000 banana trees were spotted in the mid-Ulster area with that number expected to rise over the coming months. With dates from palm trees also on the rise, the Irish economy is set for boom times according to junior DUP official Cedric Cedricson:
“People may be slagging us about the pellets but the amount of jobs we have created by leaving shed doors open is astronomical. Already there are van loads of teenagers making their way to banana fields all over Dungannon and surrounding areas in the evening to earn money as banana pickers. Throw in the booming date industry and we’re the Costa Rica of the northern hemisphere.:
Already there are plans for the 2019 Tyrone GAA county board to accept the bid from Chiquita Bananas to be their jersey sponsor for the forseeable future.
Unfortunately, Armagh apples have pledged a fruit war if the Tyrone banana trade begins to impact on their business plans for the next five years.
A local community leader has labelled today a ‘great day for Moygashel’ after it emerged that the American president Donal Trump did not include them in his ‘shithole’ locations across the world.
The south Tyrone village, which comes from the old Irish for ‘town of the graffiti’, is preparing to launch a 2-day street party in what is being hailed as a ‘new era for area’ by Get Them Oul Til Fook (GTOTF) leader Henrietta Harlot:
“We’ve had a series of bad press over the years due to dubious posters and spray paintings and stuff but this is wonderful news. For a man of that power and prestige to not include us in a list of shitholes is like Christmas all over again. This is just the start of a new era for Moygashel.”
Not all residents agreed with GTOTF’s sentiments with graffiti having already emerged in the village this morning stating ‘We Exist Ye Trumpy Bastid’.
Meanwhile, a decision to start a collection to erect a statue in the village of Trump in honour of his statement regarding shitholes is to be debated today in the carpark of the Dungannon Independent Methodist Church.
A convoy of large lorries with English number plates seen heading towards Dungannon at 6am this morning has added fuel to the rumours that, after this week’s election outcome, the British supreme legislative body is to up roots from London and relocate in the sleepy Dungannon suburb of Moygashel.
The potential new minority government, with a heavy reliance on the co-operation of the DUP, will reportedly direct operations from the village famed for its linen industry and flute band. Early indications show that the former House of Commons will now be located in the Linen Green Retail Park, with The Lingerie Room a possibly buy-out target.
Moygashel Lord Mayor Billy ‘The Slayer’ McCrystal is excited about the prospect of the world’s cameras focused on the village which once boasted six different offensive graffiti messages at the same time:
“Deadly so it is. Teresa May will be made very welcome and I’ll give her a tour of the place. No one has failed to be impressed at the noises and laughs in the Dungannon Independent Methodist Church when the Loyal Sons of Ulster are practising, especially at this time of the year. And the rest of the politicians needn’t worry about them depraved things they do in private…we cater for all that too.”
Although Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has not ruled out opposing the new venue, he has asked that he is located in Coalisland until the next General Election, as he has a few ‘friends’ from there he can call on.
In a bid to create a new 21st century persona, the GAA have already moved on this issue and have asked May to throw the ball in at the start of the upcoming Tyrone/Donegal game, warning players not to mill her before she gets off the pitch. They will not be kissing her ring though.
Moygashel in Irish means ‘boot up the pontiff’s hole’.
An estimated 19’800 parents from all over the county attended an open air drinking session at 10am near the Ballygawley roundabout as thousands of children returned to school after another wet, wild and windy summer holiday period.
Police confirmed that no arrests were made at the impromptu get-together as children were informed by head masters to walk home from school due to lack of sober drivers.
Paddy McCourt, a father of four primary school children, explained:
“Someone put up on Facebook this morning about having a bottle of Buckfast at the roundabout after dropping the children off and before long the place was hiving with hundreds of ecstatic parents. Don’t get me wrong, I like my children alright but I couldn’t do one more day of separating them after another fight over the charger for an iPad. And there’s only so many times you can head to an overclouded Barrys in Portrush or visit the granny in Dungannon.”
Conversely, Ballygawley teacher Harry Quinn was reprimanded by his school governors for being photographed drinking with the revellers, despite supposedly being back to work today. Quinn, who also has four children at primary school age, was described as ‘screaming and shouting like a mad man’ as he was pulled away from the party by several colleagues from the local school.
Meanwhile a P6 boy was sent home from St Malachy’s in Moygashel after he wrote a 2-sentence reply to the ice-breaker exercise of ‘What did you do over the summer?’. Head teacher Mrs Fullerton insisted that “Nothing. Sure wasn’t the weather shit” was not an acceptable reply.
A booking mishap has resulted in over 30 Sinn Fein members attending a two-hour long concert by the Moygashel Brass Band in honour of the Queen of England and not the Freddie Mercury tribute band.
Seamus ‘The Boiler’ Maguire, the Entertainments Manager for Lough Neagh Sinn Fein, has been stood down from his position since the blunder and has been replaced by the more experienced Henry Cullen.
Lough Neagh Sinn Fein’s Leo McFlynn admitted it was an awkward two hours:
“We’re all big Freddie Mercury fans on the lough shore and were really looking forward to this night out although it being in Moygashel was a bit of a worry from the off. When everyone stood up at the start and the band played God Save The Queen we did too as we thought it was some kind of piss-take, like the way the Sex Pistols would do it.”
For the next 120 minutes, the group sat through renditions of Rule Britannia, Land of Hope and Glory and Jerusalem as well as other less recognisable tunes, all played by the Moygashel Brass Band. McFlynn added:
“I was wondering why I was getting sharp glances by a few tattooed men standing at the door when I shouted up ‘play Killer Queen’. The Celtic jersey must have confused them greatly too. We made a run for it during ‘Thine Be The Glory’ before it really was a case of ‘Another One Bites The Dust’.
This is the second time a booking mistake was made by The Boiler Maguire after he hired the x-rated stand up comic from Dungannon Patsy McGlown instead of Pat the Clown for a children’s party in Moortown.
A Coalisland stove-fitter is said to be still in an agitated state after he received a Northern Ireland soccer scarf from his long-standing wife, with the Derry-native maintaining it was an innocent error.
Terence McNeill, who has a season ticket at the Aviva Stadium in Dublin and was mascot for the Republic of Ireland v Malta in 1988, had to leave his watering establishment last night well before throwing out time due to relentless slagging and continuous playing of ‘God Save The Queen’ by the pub’s resident DJ.
Still seething, the multi-lingual handyman fumed:
“How did you think I’d react? She even got it signed by the NI squad and it also had a personal message from Kyle Lafferty. Imagine how a Moygashel True Blues Flute Band member would react if he woke up to a Carrickmore GAA jersey as his main present. He’d be as ripping as I am.”
Close friend and drinking partner Noel Devlin admitted it was the best Christmas night ever in O’Neill’s pub in the town:
“When word got out that Mrs McNeill had made the fatal error, we decorated the pub with pictures of Billy Bingham and kept chanting ‘Stand Up For The Ulster Men’ every time he stood up to go to the bar or toilet. We’d like to thank Mrs McNeill for a wonderful Christmas.”
Meanwhile, local photographer Olly Kerr has issued an appeal for unwanted boxer shorts as he didn’t get the amount he’d expected and had thrown hundreds of old ones out last week in preparation for a new batch.
The Moygashel Concern Group are to hold a candlelit prayer session tomorrow night beside the War Memorial in the hope that the decision will be reversed before they are forced to resort to wrecking.
The Northern Ireland Place-Naming Cabinet maintain it is the correct decision and a real hands-across-the-divide gesture. Spokesman Harriet Herman added:
“Once we settled on Moygashel as a location, we had to decide what to call it. After several votes, we whittled it down to two options – Maigh gCaisil or Patrick Pearseland. The was the fact that the Irish sounds just like the anglicised version that swung it for us. We just need to educate the locals on how to nasally pronounce the second bit. Sure it’s only for a year.”
Moygashel Young Defenders drummer Billy Rooney is sceptical about the decision:
“This is just the start of it. We went for a long drive last Sunday and went through a place called ‘Eglish’. I’ve lived here for 61 years and I’m pretty sure it was always called ‘English’. They’re sneaking their language in by stealth. But we’re not stupid.”
Meanwhile, plans to rename the Moygashel Playpark ‘The Joseph Plunkett Slides and SeeSaw Park’ have been put on the back burner for now.
Want-away Liverpool winger Raheem Sterling is said to be veering towards a move to Dungannon Swifts after it emerged that the Northern Ireland Fly Fishing Association are to run trials at the Dungannon Park lake this month.
An avid fly-fisher, Sterling is reportedly seething after he was overlooked for the England fly-fishing team for the international championships later in the summer. Insiders claim he points the finger firmly at his manager Brendan Rodgers who refused to allow him to leave training early the day of the English trials.
Sterling, who has played 16 times for the England soccer team, is also said to be impressed at the new statue erection in Pomeroy ‘The Lady and the Lark‘ and sees this as a chance to settle down and have children who’ll be immersed in such local culture.
Close friend Joshua Bolt added:
“There are just so many signs now pointing towards the Swifts. The new statue in Pomeroy, the fly fishing trials, the copious parking space in the town, the vibrant anti-social element, Woolworths, the close proximity to the culturally diverse Moygashel. If there is a God, he wants Raheem at Stangmore Park, running up and down that wing against the likes of Ballinamallard. The stuff of dreams really.”
Dungannon Swifts PR trainee Jack Alad admitted the club were not sure whether to give Sterling the green light or not:
“I think this Raheem boy is reading all the great stuff about Dungannon but he needs maybe to stay a night or two over here. We’ve had them dodgy door-to-door pillow sellers recently and then the boxing session outside the Fort last week. It’s not paradise completely and maybe the Raheem boy is listening to the wrong advisers.”
Meanwhile, Sterling’s agent has tabled a motion to re-name Dungannon if he does sign for the Swifts, due to the word ‘dung’ being at the start of the name and the stick he’ll get from his England team-mates. The transfer fee is reportedly around the £50m mark and a free feed in Viscounts.
Following recent negative coverage, the DUP are teetering on the brink of implosion after it was revealed that, if successful in Fermanagh/South Tyrone this election, they will propose a hefty tax on ginger babies born in the constituency from September 2015 onwards.
A leaked document, found under a pallet of strawberries outside a vegetable shop in the Moy, explains the party’s thinking when it comes to hair colouring and how gingerism is seen as a sign of rebellion and possible republicanism, with a picture of Martin McGuinness used as way of example.
A DUP voter from Moygashel was adamant he will not be lending his vote to the party in next month’s elections:
“I was uncomfortable with the whole gay issue but this takes the biscuit. I’ve been voting DUP for over 20 years and in that time I have courted manys a ginger woman and they’ve all been dead on and some of them were even Unionists. I’m voting Independent this year.”
Coalisland barber Herbie Lyons was not surprised at the revelation:
“This is just another nail in their coffin. Like my friend from Moygashel above, I’ve walked out with plenty of redheads before and they’ve been fine. Some just had a red head and weren’t ginger at all but that’s besides the point. Up the gingers and down with follicle-bashing.”
A DUP spokesperson claims the party remain unapologetic regarding their stance on gingerism and warned Unionists that if people do not vote for their party because of the redhead issue then they may be prepared for a United Ireland by 2020 run by a parliament of Maureen O’Haras and Ed Sheerans.
Following the furore of Gregory Campbell’s mockery of the Irish language during a Northern Ireland Assembly meeting yesterday, a Killyman entrepreneur has been accused as ‘being as bad as the DUP man’ after setting up shop on the side of the road outside the village, selling a curry yoghurt and a tin of ‘Coca Coalyer’ for a pound this morning.
Teddy Og McKenna, who has a history of cashing in on controversial events, maintains he made £300 in one hour with his novelty meal deal:
“I did get a bit of abuse from family and friends but a serious crowd from Moygashel and Newmills arrived when word got out. Them boys are the salt of the earth, and them from the other side of the house to me too. Deadly friendly.”
Teddy Og’s father Teddy Snr lambasted his son, calling him an ‘oul bollocks’ and a crook:
“This is not the first time our Teddy has stooped to this level. When Sammy Wilson was photographed running through fields in the nude a few years ago, he sold a range of invisible clothes at the same spot in the road called ‘Emperor Sammy’s New Clothes’. He sold 36 units to a pile of lads from Carrickmore and Galbally. 36 units of nothing on a hanger at £22 a shot.”
Meanwhile, the Irish News food critic sampled the curry yoghurt and labelled it ‘one of the best culinary experiences of my life’ and that the meal was ‘like a ballet of heavenly angels dancing on my palate’. It was later revealed she was still half-drunk from a charity Night At The Races in The Moy the previous night.
A sporting event aimed at bringing the communities in Tyrone closer together was declared a resounding success by organisers this morning.
The Clonoe Cage Cross-Community Fighting Extravaganza drew an impressive turn-out, with over 300 competitors paying £2.50 each to climb into the specially-constructed cage.
“These guys should be proud of themselves”, said 76-year old organiser and former parish priest from Benburb Frank McLean. “They were falling over each other to get into the cage and start fighting away. I’ve never seen enthusiasm like it. I watched these two lads form Cappagh and Moygashel slugging away like their lives depended on it. They didn’t even hear the bell. That’s how committed they are to making this sort of community event work. They just wanted to put on a great show. All the lads were the same. In fact, we had to intervene so many times the taser ran out of charge. After that we just stood back and watched”.
Participant Steve Lewis said,
“Aye it was some night boys. I was in the cage with this wan boyo from the Washing Bay. Some fighter. Even managed to knock me down a couple of times. Credit where credit’s due. That’s why I decided to show him some respect by scissor-kicking him in the face when we were back in the dressing room. And then hoofing him in the groin. Twice.”
McLean confirmed that working in cross-community projects such as this had been one of the highlights of his life.
“It’s moments like these you treasure. Some of the boys even started getting into all that bad-boy tag-team stuff like they used to do on the wrestling on the telly in the 70s, because there was these two boys who showed up wearing balaclavas and holding a couple of fake Armalites, waving them at the crowd and all. Jays, I was helpless with the laughter. I nearly ended myself. And do you know, even the crowd were getting into it, can you imagine? Jeering and chanting and suchlike”.
McLean confirmed that the next cross-community event planned in time for Christmas, ‘Brantry Bare-Knuckle Boxing’, is already generating interest.
Against all the odds, Moygashel have successfully applied to become part of the GAA landscape after their club ‘True Blues GFC’ were finally affiliated as an operating GAA club as of July 12th 2014.
Moygashel, who have suffered from unwanted publicity recently, will play their first friendly against Carrickmore on the 11th night, followed by games against Coalisland Fianna, Ardboe O’Donovan Rossa and Galbally Pearses to get them acclimatised to the Tyrone county scene. The move comes after Stormont agreed a multi-million pound investment in new facilities in Moygashel including a floodlit pitch and changing rooms with individual showers.
Manager Wesley Frazer was hopeful of a positive start to life in the GAA arena:
“I know we’d have a reputation for being a bit on the Loyalist/Unionist side of the Ulster political divide but we want True Blues GFC to be the start of folk forgetting these silly tags people place on certain enclaves in the province. We have a few good ballers who are sick of the way soccer is almost now non-contact so we’re going to try our hand at the GAA and get wired into some fenians in a nice friendly way. The Carrickmore game will be explosive. I suppose I shouldn’t use that word.”
True Blues GFC will use the motto Fidelitate et honore, terra et mare which means ‘loyalty and honour on land and sea’ and their crest will have elements of the culture from the area including the Queen’s face, a bonfire and graffiti.
Frazer, who recently served time in Maghaberry for tobacco smuggling, predicts a great 11th night festival and has offered Carrickmore supporters a safe and warm welcome:
“This could be Northern Ireland turning a corner. We’ll provide crisps and mineral for the Carrickmore lads and if they want they can stay on and watch the bonfire, singing and the odd military show of strength.”
There has been a mixed reception in Carrickmore to the news of the upcoming fixture. Captain Cathal Gormley admitted:
“I’m crapping myself, and I’ve been to Ardboe.”
A new restaurant recently opened in Dungannon has denied accusations that it has been serving up animals killed by traffic on the nearby motorway.
‘McGlone’s Dead-Tasty Restaurant’ in Irish Street, which was opened only two weeks ago by former slaughterhouse worker Eugene McGlone with the slogan, ‘Fresh Meat, Straight From The Grill’, prompted a series of complaints to the Foods Standards Agency about the source of many of the ingredients.
Angry diner Damian Gormley from Plumbridge fumed:
“It says on their website, ‘Come in and enjoy our great food, just off the M1’. Now I know exactly what it means. Scraped off the bloody M1, that’s what. The hoors. I wouldn’t go back in there if you paid me. The menu’s a disgrace. Shepherd’s Pie my arse. More like German Shepherd’s Pie”.
Diners became suspicious after finding that nearly all the main course dishes were peculiarly flat, including, ‘Eugene’s Four-Meat Omelette’, ‘Protein Pizza Platter’, and ‘Begley’s Big Meaty Pancake’, a dish comprising what appeared to be a number of different types of unspecified meat.
Another unhappy customer Liz McGee from Ballygawley said,
“Jays, you could practically smell the engine oil off the food. It gave me the heave. If that McGlone thinks I’m going to put his ‘Meaty Waffles’ anywhere my mouth, he can think on. Anyone who seems to take Toad In The Hole literally is in the wrong game. I tried complaining, but the music was so loud you couldn’t hear a thing. The menu said that they serve up ‘bumper portions’. Now I know what it means”.
McGlone however refused to be drawn about the source of his food.
“All I’ll say is that we’re very aware of the importance of sustainability and the environment and suchlike. That’s why all of our food is local, from within 10 miles. Or 20 if you go as far as the M12 to Cookstown. Some of them lorries are going deadly fast”.
McGlone also denied that the background music was turned up loud to drown out the sound of diners retching.
Rumours also surfaced that McGlone was spotted last Thursday night standing on the side of the M1 near Moygashel with a pepper grinder, a spade, and a hopeful look on his face.
Following the news that the Moy Park brand will be seen by millions at this year’s World Cup, the Tyrone Tourism Board have sent leaflets around every house in the Moy area including Blackwatertown and Benburb, asking them to tidy themselves up a bit ‘for the love of God’.
Henry Bogue, tourism chairman and fashion aficionado, reckons thousands will descend on the Moy in the aftermath of the World Cup to see for themselves how tasty these chickens are in their home town:
“If my calculations are remotely accurate, I forecast we’ll witness Nigerians, Albanians, Canadians, Bolivians and so on arriving by the boatload from July onwards to taste our lovely chickens. It’ll be like people going to Italy for pizza or France for wine. Everyone will be talking about Moy Park at this World Cup and we need to get the message out that we’re not just a place with swings and slides and stuff.”
Bogue maintains the hard work starts now to get the place looking well, starting with the locals:
“We’ve applied for European Funding for free Botox, facial surgery, liposuction and hair implants to be offered to anyone within a 2-mile radius of the village. We’ve also contacted Gok Wan, Loose Women, Ralph Lauren and Donaghmore people to see if they’ll offer some fashion advice to those most in need. Jean dungarees are not the look we want to project across the planet.”
Local footballer Pibil Jordan is adamant they can change:
“We’re up to the challenge. Last week I had a do to go to in Dublin and I washed like mad that morning. People said I looked deadly and my nails were completely clean. If I can do this without funding, imagine how we’ll look with a lock of pounds thrown at us. Anyway, should this not be about Moygashel?”
Meanwhile, Baracuda Fishing Tackle in Dungannon have denied rumours they are to sponsor Man Utd from 2016 onwards.
Figures released by the PSNI last week confirmed that despite over 300 cattle have been stolen from the South Tyrone area since 2012, no arrests have been made.
Defending their record, DI Sean Robertson said,
“Listen. We’re up to our necks giving out parking tickets, and we’ve all this cattle theft to sort out as well. We’ve been told there’s 300 cattle been stolen. Well, we’ve not found a single one. Maybe they’ve got it wrong. Do they mean kettles?”
Robertson also explained the challenges some of his officers have had identifying cattle.
“Understand that some of these officers come from huge towns like Aughnacloy or Moygashel. They’ve rarely been out in the country, poor lads. Some of them don’t know what a cow looks like. And it’s easy. Cows is the ones that look like wee fluffy white clouds. Aren’t they? Or is that pigs?”
Responding to the criticism, Constable Ivor McDowell said,
“Where do you hide 300 cows? We’ve seen pictures and they’re enormous. We’ve been sent to butcher shops to see if we can find what might have happened to them, but it’s a waste of time. The only thing in them butcher shops is massive big pieces of meat and stuff. There’s no way you could hide a cow in there. It’s pointless. And anyway, you’d need an awful lot of milk for them to drink, wouldn’t you?”
Officers are also working on a theory that the cattle weren’t stolen at all, but instead that the cows might be playing a game of hide and seek with police.
“If that’s the case, wasting police time is a grave offence and can come with a custodial sentence”, said a stern Robertson. “If we find out that these cow things are deliberately giving us the run around, Jaysus, we’ll take the legs out from under them. Both of them. Or have they got four legs?”
In a separate incident, three cows were arrested last night in a field near Plumbridge for ‘urinating in a public place’.
A Moygashel woman is preparing for the biggest challenge of her life as she frantically looks for increasingly inventive ways to avoid family arguments breaking out on Christmas Day.
“I offered everyone round on Christmas Day in about August and then forgot all about it”, bemoaned 34-year old Rachel McNally from Moygashel. “Jaysus, what was I thinking? It’ll be like managing the G8. My da’s not talking to my brother Frankie since he sold that field that never belonged to him, my other brother Paul lost the family car on a game of 25’s which his wife Paula’s still not forgiven him for, and my mum’s not talking to my da since he went and hired that 19 year old Latvian girl to help dung out the shed. One word from anybody and it’ll be like a feckin dynamite. I’ll be lucky to get through the day alive”.
McNally has previously resorted to a variety of methods to ensure arguments don’t spoil the day.
“The last few years I’ve opted for themed Christmas Days which have worked quite well. 2012 was the ‘Monastic-Themed Christmas’ when everyone had to dress as a monk and took a vow of silence for the day. It went surprisingly okay, other than the v-signs that Frankie kept making to his ex. And the rabbit punch he got from my da on the side of his head when he was half-way through his turkey. Still, he never made a sound. Fair play to him”.
“2011 was fine as well, which was ‘Games-Themed Christmas Day”. We had a 3-hour game of charades and a 2-hour game of Pictionary, and then for the Queen’s Speech we came together and shouted abuse at the TV”.
Rachel’s plan for 2013 is an ‘Alcohol-Themed Christmas’.
“To be honest I’ve run out of ideas, so I’m going to get everyone as drunk as possible, as quickly as possible”, said McNally. “I’ve already loaded up the cake with nearly a pint of sherry, and we’re going to have tequila shots all the way through dinner. If I can get everyone completely hammered then the sooner everyone passes out, the better. Not sure how Granny Gormley’ll cope. She’s 96 and took the pledge 70 years ago. Still, it’s worth a go”, she said hopefully.
In 2010 McNally opted for a disco-themed Christmas Day with flashing lights and a smoke machine, which ended abruptly after she forgot that her sister was an epileptic and brother-in-law Dennis was a chronic asthma sufferer.