An aspiring astronaut, Jenny Quinn from Tyrone, has landed herself a job monitoring cashiers in ASDA after wrongly filling out a job application form to become a NASA Space Mission Engineer whilst under the influence of ‘a few bottles of Buckfast’.
Quinn (27), who boasts a First Degree in Astronomical and Biological Engineering and a Masters in Aerodynamic Mathematics, had hoped to get a job working for NASA after completing over 2000 hours of flying and getting her blood pressure down to 140/90 in a sitting position. Blaming a mild form of dyslexia mixed with booze bought in Portadown, she bemoaned the direction her new career has taken her:
“Yes, it was a bit of a shock when the job centre phoned and told me they’d the perfect post for me. I was over the moon, especially when she said the place I’d be working in was in Cookstown, about 20 miles away. I was surprised that NASA had an office in Tyrone but they’d be secretive about these things. It was only when I looked at the application form I had photocopied that the penny dropped. I’d written ASDA instead of NASA whilst half cut.”
The brainy boffin is now the most qualified worker in the shop but is determined to make the most of the error:
“I maybe had more than three bottles of Buckfast come to think of it but I can’t dwell on the past. I’m trying to apply my skills to this new job. I’ve already made a contraption where you put your weight into this computer and then scan your food and it tells you whether you really need it or not. There have been some teething problems after a hefty lad smashed the thing to pieces when it rejected his 2-for-1 pizza purchase. I’ll get there though.”
In a freak of coincidence, Pat ‘Red Boy’ Hagan (59) from Killyman, whose only previous job was catching chickens at Moy Park, is on his way to America after writing NASA instead of ASDA on his form.
A new restaurant recently opened in Dungannon has denied accusations that it has been serving up animals killed by traffic on the nearby motorway.
‘McGlone’s Dead-Tasty Restaurant’ in Irish Street, which was opened only two weeks ago by former slaughterhouse worker Eugene McGlone with the slogan, ‘Fresh Meat, Straight From The Grill’, prompted a series of complaints to the Foods Standards Agency about the source of many of the ingredients.
Angry diner Damian Gormley from Plumbridge fumed:
“It says on their website, ‘Come in and enjoy our great food, just off the M1’. Now I know exactly what it means. Scraped off the bloody M1, that’s what. The hoors. I wouldn’t go back in there if you paid me. The menu’s a disgrace. Shepherd’s Pie my arse. More like German Shepherd’s Pie”.
Diners became suspicious after finding that nearly all the main course dishes were peculiarly flat, including, ‘Eugene’s Four-Meat Omelette’, ‘Protein Pizza Platter’, and ‘Begley’s Big Meaty Pancake’, a dish comprising what appeared to be a number of different types of unspecified meat.
Another unhappy customer Liz McGee from Ballygawley said,
“Jays, you could practically smell the engine oil off the food. It gave me the heave. If that McGlone thinks I’m going to put his ‘Meaty Waffles’ anywhere my mouth, he can think on. Anyone who seems to take Toad In The Hole literally is in the wrong game. I tried complaining, but the music was so loud you couldn’t hear a thing. The menu said that they serve up ‘bumper portions’. Now I know what it means”.
McGlone however refused to be drawn about the source of his food.
“All I’ll say is that we’re very aware of the importance of sustainability and the environment and suchlike. That’s why all of our food is local, from within 10 miles. Or 20 if you go as far as the M12 to Cookstown. Some of them lorries are going deadly fast”.
McGlone also denied that the background music was turned up loud to drown out the sound of diners retching.
Rumours also surfaced that McGlone was spotted last Thursday night standing on the side of the M1 near Moygashel with a pepper grinder, a spade, and a hopeful look on his face.
News emerged yesterday of an active volcano sitting underneath the village of Pomeroy which could erupt at any moment, endangering the lives of thousands.
Pomeroy, Northern Ireland’s highest village, was long-considered to be sitting on the side of what was recently described in the 2013 Irish Journal of Geological Sciences as ‘a fecking big hill’. However, local expert seismologist Dr Kieran Duffy from Ardboe has confirmed that it is indeed actually a volcano which is currently active, and that it could erupt at any time.
“Aye that’s right”, said Duffy. “That volcano’s deadly active boys, and it could erupt at any time. Ghost oh”.
If the volcano does erupt, it is anticipated it could send out an estimated 100,000 tons of rock and ash up to two miles into the earth’s atmosphere, destroying everything within a 30 mile radius in an apocalyptic event not seen on the planet for over 1,000 years.
“I’ve just put a washing out”, complained Kitty Donnelly of Loughbracken Road. “It’s a damned nuisance. If there’s any soot gets on my smalls there’ll be hell to pay. When’s it supposed to erupt? It’s such a good drying day too. Where’s Barry McElduff’s phone number?”
Meantime, there have been reports of panic-buying of marshmallows from Mace, whilst sales of toasting forks in the area have reached an all time high.
Pomeroy Village Council chairman Danny Devlin, said,
“To be honest, we were a bit relaxed about the whole thing. We thought ‘Volcano’ was the name of a pizza with thon wee spicy green yolks on it, out the Fairhill Diner on main street. Now we’re up to speed, if there’s an eruption we’re determined not to make a hames of it. We’ve put a big bucket of water on the corner of the Diamond, and we’ve already started an appeal for oven gloves in case things get too warm. Maybe we should get a wee bag of sand too to be on the safe side. That should do it”.
The volcano has already been dubbed ‘The Broll-cano’, owing to its potential to erupt without warning and for no discernible reason.
Ardboe locals have also moved to reassure Pomeranians that Dr Duffy is clean mad and wasn’t a real doctor of volcanoes. He also predicted an apocalyptic man-eating eel invasion in 2005.