An aspiring astronaut, Jenny Quinn from Tyrone, has landed herself a job monitoring cashiers in ASDA after wrongly filling out a job application form to become a NASA Space Mission Engineer whilst under the influence of ‘a few bottles of Buckfast’.
Quinn (27), who boasts a First Degree in Astronomical and Biological Engineering and a Masters in Aerodynamic Mathematics, had hoped to get a job working for NASA after completing over 2000 hours of flying and getting her blood pressure down to 140/90 in a sitting position. Blaming a mild form of dyslexia mixed with booze bought in Portadown, she bemoaned the direction her new career has taken her:
“Yes, it was a bit of a shock when the job centre phoned and told me they’d the perfect post for me. I was over the moon, especially when she said the place I’d be working in was in Cookstown, about 20 miles away. I was surprised that NASA had an office in Tyrone but they’d be secretive about these things. It was only when I looked at the application form I had photocopied that the penny dropped. I’d written ASDA instead of NASA whilst half cut.”
The brainy boffin is now the most qualified worker in the shop but is determined to make the most of the error:
“I maybe had more than three bottles of Buckfast come to think of it but I can’t dwell on the past. I’m trying to apply my skills to this new job. I’ve already made a contraption where you put your weight into this computer and then scan your food and it tells you whether you really need it or not. There have been some teething problems after a hefty lad smashed the thing to pieces when it rejected his 2-for-1 pizza purchase. I’ll get there though.”
In a freak of coincidence, Pat ‘Red Boy’ Hagan (59) from Killyman, whose only previous job was catching chickens at Moy Park, is on his way to America after writing NASA instead of ASDA on his form.
Stephen O’Brien, an astronomy enthusiast and budding rocket scientist, has gone underground after achieving three ‘A star’ grades in his A Levels – the first pupil to do so in the greater Loughmacrory area. His father John, an unemployed handyman, says it’s no wonder:
“Typical of our Stephen. I’d have been at him for years to go out and be like the other lads, kicking tyres and clodding the police, but there was no talking to him. He’d always have his nose stuck in some oul stupid book about NASA or Aristotle. He was a complete embarrassment and we’d keep him locked away in the attic when the priest or other important person came around in case he let us down a barrowful with his big words and worldwide knowledge of current affairs. Some puke.”
Stephen achieved the highest grade possible in three subjects – Physics, Mathematics and Engineering – and was suspended for two months by Loughmacrory Integrated College earlier in the year for suggesting he took on another couple of A Levels. Headmaster Mr Leo Kelly, added:
“A real wee buckin smart arse. He had the teachers’ heads wrecked by knowing stuff before they taught it. We hate that. And he did all his homework, the stew. Well, he got what he deserved. He’ll have to carry those grades around his neck like a living purgatory for the rest of his life if he stays. I feel sorry for the parents.”
Stephen is talking about moving to Donaghmore where he feels he’ll fit right in:
“Loughmacrory isn’t ready for a boy like me. Over the last few decades we’ve seen local cross-dressers, bisexuals, Derry supporters and Muslims all come out in the area and not an eyelid batted. I just like reading but can’t come out about it. I’m off to Donaghmore where I can freely run about with a Hemmingway epic under my arm like the other youngsters.”
There’ll be a celebration party thrown tonight for all those deciding to stay in the area after failing the whole lot.