Monthly Archives: April 2022

Mid Ulster DUP Election Poster Accused Of Giving People Dirty Looks

Scientists have been forensically analysing a series of DUP posters in Cookstown which have been accused of giving dirty looks to people they believe won’t be giving their vote to the Democratic Unionist Party.

In a further development tonight, several witnesses have claimed that the posters have also been uttering derogatory comments under their breath, but audible enough to cause offence.

And in another late development, Sinn Fein have been accused of erecting counter posters in recent days that argue back at the DUP posters, causing locals to lose sleep with several posters at each other all night.

Science boffin Henry Davies, who discovered pot holes back in 1969, expects the DUP are using new technology, secretly shipped in underneath gun smuggling crates.

“Yea I think the DUP are using new technology, secretly shipped in underneath gun smuggling crates.”

In other news, those attending the count centre in Omagh this year have been told to bring their own sandwiches and tea as the shop has been closed down due to an infestation of salmon which bred rapidly in Healy Park during a period of wet weather in March.

Tyrone GAA Rocked Again As Overturned Armagh Suspensions Transferred To Red Hands

In a unique series of events, Tyrone managers Logan and Dooher will have to nominate 3 players to inherit the overturned Armagh bans as new GAA rules state that bans are not allowed to disappear and must be consumed elsewhere, at the discretion of Croke Park.

The shock news reached Garvaghey last night as the Tyrone squad sat down to watch the video of their weekend’s win over Fermanagh followed by this week’s episode of Derry Girls which Dooher insists they watch. An insider informed us that McCurry was so enraged he threw his salted popcorn at the screen.

The Tyrone management have been given 48 hours to nominate three players to receive a one match ban for Armagh’s indiscretions again Donegal last month. They are not allowed to appeal the bans as Rule 4.3.2.3 states “any attempt to appeal transferred bans will result in relegation as well as weekly ridicule on The Sunday Game for 2 months, and either Gough or McQuillan to referee their games for 4 years”.

Croke Park have already warned Tyrone not to be nominating players who have already recently retired as they could easily check the papers to see who they were.

Fermanagh Fans To Turn Brewster Park Into Bloodthirsty Coliseum For Tyrone Match

As of this morning, several ‘Welcome To Hell’ signs have been spotted erected around the road up to Brewster Park as well as ‘Hugo is Shite’ slogans daubed on walls, as Fermanagh prepares to take on the All-Ireland Champions Tyrone in Enniskillen on Saturday evening.

The Fermanagh Ultras Supporters Trust Unity (FUSTY) have confirmed that they will up the ante on Saturday with special chants such as ‘are you Derry in disguise?’ and ‘the mountains of Pomeroy don’t exist’. FUSTY is also claiming an early victory after recommending that Joe McQuillan referee the game, which was confirmed this week. Joe lives just over the Fermanagh border and famously had a penchant for Fermanagh women in his teens.

FUSTY spokesman Peadar Maguire added:

“The Tyrone ones are in for some shock. We’ve plans to bring bushes with us and set fire to them to get them riled up. They’re always going on about their bushes but we’ve our lakes. Who goes around Ireland to look at bushes, like? Fermanagh by 4 and Joe to be shouldered off the field.”

Trillick ones have been asked to make a call on who to support by both Ultras and Mattie Donnelly may sit this one out.

Foster Says Carrickmore Is A Bit Too Tyroney

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Following on from her comments that St Patrick’s Day was a wee bit too Irish, Arlene Foster drove through Carrickmore today on her way to a cattle mart in Strabane and was reportedly overheard telling a farmer that Carrickmore looked a wee bit too Tyroney.

Foster, who unsuccessfully bid on three heifers and a bull, maintained that the Tyrone village was full of people with ‘them thick Tyrone heads on them and tight 1980s short and them all eating cowboy suppers and licking Choc Ices‘.

Foster also lamented that, having stopped in the shop in Carrickmore to buy the Newsletter, nearly everyone was called Cahair or Barry or Gormley or McElduff.

Carrickmore Tourism Board have already responded tonight, claiming that Carrickmore is a cosmopolitan village and even had a boy from France in the laundrette washing his jeans two years ago, much to the enjoyment of three female Carrickmore pensioners, one of whom was taken to the local doctor after a fainting fit.

Foster did welcome the plethora of Ivory Coast flags on display though.

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