DUP Member Admits He Thought Smoking Was Good For You Til Yesterday

flat-earth

Flat earth?

Following the news that a Northern Ireland DUP politician admitted he did not know heterosexual people could contract HIV until a charity explained the facts to him, more DUP members have come forward with similar startling revelations.

Freddy Jenkins, a 56-year-old MLA from Cookstown, was first to call a conference this morning in which he revealed a rash of previously-held misconceptions only recently rectified:

Trevor Clarke has opened the floodgates. He’s a brave, brave man. I only learned last night that the earth isn’t actually flat. To be fair I was always suspicious of that anyway as I can see the Sperrins from here. The maddest one is that smoking isn’t that great for you. I thought it cured everything. If one of my children was unwell, I’d have given him a bottle of Lucozade and a 10-pack of Benson’s.

Marge Lynah, a DUP councillor in Strabane, was equally astounded after she cleared up a few of her long-held concrete views by asking around the town yesterday:

So you CAN get pregnant standing up. That’s news to me. And leeches don’t cure everything, they’re now saying! What a relief that is. I was finding them hard to get anyway to cure my asthma.

Despite the above, over 88% of DUP still believe the universe was formed ‘some time between 600 and 3000 years ago’ and that dinosaur bones etc are just planted here and there by atheists messing about.

 

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About Gombeen

Trying hard to make it up.

Posted on November 30, 2016, in Cookstown, Strabane and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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