Mask-wearing by pupils in a comprehensive school in Omagh has almost reached 100% after non-maskers were forced to watch There’s No Place Like Tyrone after school for an hour every day last week.
St Feichin’s on the Gortin Road were worried that a relaxed approach to mask wearing would lead to an explosion of Covid-19 cases in the area and decided to act fast before it was too late.
Principal Lorcan McGlorgan explained:
“Yes it was a problem. However, one of our bright sparks on the senior management came up with the idea of threatening them with compulsory viewing of There’s No Place Like Tyrone whilst wearing a mask for an hour after school. We are now at 99.94% this week. One lad forgot his. We let him off with just 20 mins of the second series.”
Meanwhile, canteen staff in the school have been commended for their delivery of food to pupils in the school whilst maintaining health and safety measures.
Pupils can now eat hot dogs by bringing their own baps and holding them out as the canteen staff fire sausages from 10 feet away into the bap. Last week, 679 out of 711 of the sausages landed spot-on in the baps.
Bovine boffins at Queen’s University in Belfast have completed a three-year long research into the musical effects on cattle and have revealed that prolonged exposure to Nathan Carter’s country and western’s tones results in higher quality milk.
Additionally, beef cattle improve their output by listening to some of Garth Brooks’ early stuff by using wireless headphones although farmers were warned not to provide his latter music as it made them agitated and frustrated.
Since the release of the paper, farmers all over the county have been blasting Wagon Wheel into sheds to petrified cattle although some eventually responded by rocking from side to side and mooing quietly. Trillick farmer Francis O’Seesee confirmed:
“After some initial irritation and chronic dunging, the cattle seem to have taken to Carter’s greatest hits and I can tell already that some are bursting at the seams. I can’t wait to play Caledonia to give them a break from the Wheel song.”
Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA are to run a competition to have a song played as Tyrone run onto the field at Healy Park this year. Currently, Blanket on the Ground has been the only suggestion, over 3000 times.
Offaly golfing man Shane Lowry and the Tyrone GAA management team have reportedly been working closely together up at the centre of excellence in Garvaghey since last Tuesday, trying to find a way to defeat the 5-in-a-row chasing Dublin football team by kicking a lot straighter.
Last year, Harte was accused of reducing the width of the field in Omagh in order to gain an advantage as the Dublin players are physically much wider than the Tyrone ones due to their expensive diets. This year, insiders have claimed that the Omagh St Enda’s groundsmen have already begun digging bunkers at strategic positions on the pitch under Lowry’s guidance as well as a water feature around midfield.
Additionally, Lowry has been helping out with Niall Morgan’s kicking technique, with the Edendork man reportedly now adept at kicking off a golf tee to a range of distances by elevating his foot at the same angle of the appropriate golf club in question. Morgan has also taken to wearing one leather glove, with the other one hanging out of his pack pocket for kickouts.
It is also reported that Club Tyrone have asked Lowry for some of his £1.5m to help with the mission to defeat the Dubs, a cause close to Leinster man Lowry’s heart. One plan is to twist all the signs for Omagh so that they are pointing towards Letterkenny on Sunday morning.
Meanwhile, Gavin ‘Horse’ Devlin is to trial using a golf buggy on the sideline in order to issue instructions to defenders and then to attackers in a very short space of time by driving at full speed.
Graham (61) maintains that spreading cow dung can reduce immediate temperatures by over 5 degrees within 10 minutes. He went on to suggest that it will eventually be used as moisturiser for anyone wishing to keep cool during sticky summer months.
“If my plans are heeded, I project that global warming will be halted for millions of years and might even recede. I covered my car in cow dung and never had to turn on the air conditioning once, helping the environment in doing so. People need to embrace cow dung and save the planet.”
Already, thousands of Tyronnies have been stocking up on cow dung for any imminent heat waves this summer, with many local pharmecuticals vying for the rights to patent new cow dung facial cooling sprays.
Gortin sauna-user Patricia McGrady (44) confirmed that she often uses cow dung on her face during sauna sessions:
“It definitely makes you cooler. When I use it in the sauna three times a week, it feels like I’m just sitting in a normal room. I hate saunas so this is great news.”
Meanwhile the pot hole on the Plumridge main street has been filled in with grass.
An Omagh welder admitted he regrets pulling a cross face at his son out his back yard after the wind changed and left him permanently scowling.
Patrick McEnoy (48) claims his life is now a misery as everyone he encounters thinks he hates them, even when he’s being nice or thinking of nothing at all.
Only last week McEnoy received the shocking news that he had been sacked from his volunteering jobs at the local youth club after several children returned to their parents in tears, complaining that McEnoy hated all of their knot-tying attempts and paintings.
The welder explained:
“I was putting on a cross face at my son who was trailing a cat across the yard to be one of his goal posts. Then all of a sudden a big gust of wind came and I’m permanently like this. It’s a torture. My wife things I hate everything she does which isn’t always the case.”
McEnoy maintains he has tried to stand out in windy conditions ever since, trying to put on his normal face, but that a sudden unexpected gust is hard to come by.
Meanwhile, the Tyrone County Board have revealed that today’s half-time entertainment at the Tyrone/Cavan game will involve divers diving off diving boards onto the Healy Park surface.
Tyrone have decided to up the ante this weekend in an attempt to gather their first points in the National League by pretending that Sunday’s game in Healy Park is actually the All Ireland final.
Charging away spectators 90 Euros, the Tyrone County Board are confident that their plans will spook Mayo into losing what we believe will be their 23rd All Ireland Final defeat in a row. In an effort to make the event even more realistic, the board have developed a new ‘Dick Clerkin End’ of the ground where under 8s will be rounded up into and made to sit down and shut up.
Explaining their decision, a county spokesman said that no expense will be spared to recreate All Ireland Final day and put the shivers up Mayo:
“We all know Mayo have lost their last 39 All Ireland Finals. If we can get the 80’000 into Healy Park, the Artane Band and some boy to jump out of a helicopter with the ball before the game, we’ll be well on our way to those two points. Making sure half the crowd are well inebriated shouldn’t be a problem either.”
The Tyrone Board have admitted that fooling Michael D Higgins into attending will take a bit of work because of a bad experience Higgins had with a girl from Omagh in 1958.
Businesses in Omagh have asked for emergency donations from neighbouring villages after all their retail outlets ran out of fruited cheese, just two days before Christmas.
Locals confirmed that the last Cheddar and Apricot was purchased at 2pm today in McCann’s Supermarket, causing distressing scenes across the town with fights breaking out mostly amongst the elderly.
Major retailers sounded an emergency alarm early on Saturday after Wensleydale and Pineapple provisions were completely dry by midday, sparking a spending spree in other shops from 1pm this morning. Reports of a Brie and Grape block still left on a shelf in Main Street was later revealed as a hoax to get shoppers into their premises to buy other stuff.
Mary Taylor (44), who wished to remain anonymous, added:
“This is a pile of balls. Christmas is ruined in my house now. Our table will look bare without a massive selection of Edam and Mango cheese slices to accompany the pickled cockles.”
A group of Omagh singers have promised to record a charity song in the morning about the dearth of fruited cheese in the area in 2018, with all proceeds going to growing cheese in the greater Omagh area for future years in order to avoid another disaster.
A wife and husband in Donemana will finally get to know what empty nest syndrome feels like.
On Tuesday, Turlough McCann, 29, was ordered by the Omagh District Council to move out of his parents’ house after living there rent free for eight years, despite encouragement to start his own life elsewhere.
Dolores and Peter McCann of 3 Berryhill Rd, sent their son numerous eviction notices and even gave him £3000 to help him find a new place and a 1994 Datsun Sunny.
Despite being taken to court, Turlough refused to take heed of their desperation to see their son make something of himself.
While in court, Turlough refused to directly speak to his parents and argued with the judge for three hours that he was entitled to an additional six months before eviction, citing a legal case he found on the internet that appeared to back his claim.
Judge Devlin reportedly praised Rotondo’s legal argument but sided with his parents and ordered him to move out, calling his demand for six more months “outrageous.”
Turlough fired back, calling the judge’s order “outrageous.”
He plans to appeal the decision
“I’m not causing any bother by living in the house, like,” Turlough said in an interview with The Donemana Observer on Tuesday. “It’s little to no cost to them, and considering how much they’ve harassed me, I think it’s the least that they should be required to do, which is just let me hang here a bit longer and use their hot water, electricity and toilets.”
In filings to Omagh Court, Turlough’s parents sent him five written notices that date back to February, one of which asks him to remove his broken Honda 50cc from their property.
In another note the parents offered him £3000 “so you can find a place to stay” and suggested that for money he could get a job or sell some of his belongings like his stereo and weapons.
“There are jobs available even for those with a poor work history like you,” the letter reads. “Get one — you lazy bollocks!”
A Gortin Road man has been given the green light to tie the knot with Sandra the sat-nav after Vatican officials were satisfied of the genuine love between the pair.
Vivian McVicker (77) admitted he was over the moon to get permission from the Holy See to complete nuptials for what he predicts will be the happiest day of his life on October 21st 2019.
McVicker and Sandra began their 6-year relationship after he installed the device on a 2005 Toyota Corolla he bought at an auction in Cookstown.
Despite many public arguments, the worst when she took him to Aughabrack instead of Sion Mills and he threatened to throw her into the Mourne River, family and friends have revealed it has been a mostly harmonious relationship.
Best man Tommy McVicker added:
“Every Sunday you’d see them heading off to Bundoran or Downings for an outing and him and her talking away. Sometimes he’d lose the bap when she’d go on about doing a u-bend and he’d be shouting at her to give over about u-bends as he’s just stopping for mineral and crisps.”
Local clergymen have warned their congregations that this is not a go-ahead for other farmer-appliance weddings in the future.
After denials from Sky TV and Mickey Harte from having any influence over the narrowing of Healy Park for the clash between Dublin and Tyrone on Saturday night, the spotlight has now been shone on ‘wee fairies from the Plumbridge direction’ as well as the referee David Coldrick.
Omagh groundsman Patrick Hanlan revealed he received a visitor to his door on Friday night around midnight but couldn’t make it out because of the darkness as well as the visitor wearing a cloak:
“All the person said was ‘Ye may narrow that pitch’. I thought it was a sort of a threat but hadn’t a clue who it was. It could have been Harte, a Sky rep or even the referee Coldrick but the more I think about it, they had a Plumbridge accent and looked very small under the cloak. It may have been a fairy from the Plum or Cranagh direction.”
Referee David Coldrick has also come under suspicion as it has been explained that a narrower pitch leaves it easier to keep up with the play, though he may have underestimated the distance he’d need to take it in by.
Meanwhile, rumours emanating from Ballybofey suggest that Donegal officials have set about narrowing the Tyrone changing rooms, making it awkward for players to get changed with dignity.
Scientists from across the globe have descended on Omagh today after it emerged that despite consecutive days of over thirty degree heat, an U16 match in Healy Park had to abandoned due to a waterlogged pitch yesterday.
With a hosepipe ban already in force, environmental boffins from as far as California and Cappagh are stumped as to how the Omagh sod remains unplayable after such a relentlessly hot period of weather.
Manager of Gortin U16s, Paddy Coyle, vented:
Calls for the official county ground to be moved to Dungannon have increased overnight with East Tyrone Lord Mayor Ginny Campbell adamant that this was the last straw:
“There hasn’t been a dry pitch in Omagh in my living memory. That’s why the Omagh ones always have dirty legs on holidays in Portugal. You can spot them a mile away. Dungannon is the multi-cultural capital of Ireland. It’s time we won back what is rightfully ours.”
Although it’s early days for a diagnosis, scientists are pointing to a phenomenon of the ‘anti-vanishing lake’ theory as a possible explanation for the Healy Park dampness. This theory suggests that there is a permanent invisible rain cloud over the ground which also explains why Joe McMahon and Ronan O’Neill always have slick hair.
Teachers across Tyrone were said to be gearing up for a raid on Nutts Corner this Sunday after hundreds of pupils complained they had already watched all their schools’ June catalogue of films several times and would rather do work instead.
Faced with the horrendous possibility of devising lesson plans as well as marking in June, teachers from both the primary and secondary sectors have hired 33 minibuses to arrive at the county Antrim market on Sunday to annex as many previously unheard of movies through acute and effective bargaining.
A maths teacher from Ballygawley, who wished to remain anonymous, added:
“Because of Netflix and streaming, children seem to have watched everything. Last week I heard of a lad who asked to do some sums in class in Omagh because he didn’t want to watch Frozen again, and it in the middle of June. No one wants that creeping in, correcting work and stuff and it sunny outside. It’s hard enough actually teaching after Easter. “
Since this incident, students in various schools have started to post messages on social media stating they would rather learn about irregular verbs in French than sit through another two hours of Batman or E.T. .
Meanwhile, teaching union UTTUR have warned teachers that anyone buying counterfeit DVDs will be made to work from the 21st of August 2018.
An Omagh dentist has admitted to consuming a ‘heavier than normal quota of lunch drinks’ before drilling five fillings into a patient’s dentures, resulting in both men fainting due to plastic toxins.
Dr Joe Quinn, who served time in 1986 for using dogs’ teeth on patients without their knowledge, has vowed to replace Vivian McSorley’s dentures free of charge after the mishap which also set off the building’s fire alarms.
McSorley’s wife maintains her husband might never go back to a dentist again after the experience:
“Viv was already apprehensive about dentists but after this experience he may never go back. He was only in for a check up to see if the dentures were sitting properly. Within minutes, Dr Quinn was drilling all types of holes into them with plastic and smoke flying everywhere. Poor Viv was all confused and eventually passed out on the fumes.”
Dr Quinn also fainted due to the toxic amalgamation of mercury and plastic. After being revived, Quinn admitted to consuming a bowl of stew at lunch, washed down by a bottle of prosecco, five pints of Harp and 3 chasers before returning to work.
Meanwhile, a prisoner who broke out Maghaberry prison to go to a dentist in Lisburn due to an unbearable toothache has been commended for his hygiene determination but had his sentence extended by 3 months.
Marriage counsellors have been described as being ‘flat out’ this weekend across the county as marital squabbles have more than trebled due to families being cooped up because of the recent poor weather conditions.
Reports of loud shouting and blatant huffing prompted relationship experts to descend on various locations with ‘nasally breathing’ being the number one irritant for many wives.
Susie Banchy from Augher explained:
“If I hear that bollocks breathing one more time I swear I’ll swing the boot at his head. Maybe he’ll stop then. This snow is a disaster. I can’t even get peace in my bedroom for one of the young ones jumping on my head looking for something to eat. Tomorrow can’t come quick enough.”
In Omagh, a game of Pictionary ended abruptly in three ambulances being called within a two-hour period after husband and wife Peter and Mary Toal were paired in the same team for the fifth time. Asked to draw an umbrella, Mr Toal’s poor artistry again left his wife of 23 years seething after he drew what looked more like a tractor.
Marriage counsellors have advised families to sit in different rooms today and bide their time until the snow melts and school recommences tomorrow.
Greencastle Man Vows To Try Pancake-Making Again Next Year After Kitchen Wrecked For Third Year Running
An adventurous Greencastle entrepreneur claims he will not be deterred from giving his family a pancake breakfast on Shrove Tuesday next year after he ravaged his kitchen for the third year running.
Describing his pancakes as ‘a bit crispy to be fair’, Diarmuid O’Devlin maintains he is not far off from producing the finished product despite causing over £20’000 worth of damage to their state-of-the-art kitchen area:
“It’s just a matter of timing. Last year I put too many eggs into the pan and that seemed to start a bit of a fire which was eventually extinguished somewhere near the Gortin Glens. This year I got slightly distracted by a rerun of a good Knight Rider episode and the pancakes were a bit burnt, as well as the front part of the house.”
Luckily, the NI Fire Brigade West Tyrone Division hired over 40 part-time fire fighters for today due to the expected rise in previously kitchen-shy men striving to impress family members with their pancake-making skills, especially the day before Valentine’s Day this year.
Meanwhile a family in Omagh spent most of the morning eating their breakfast from the tops of ladders after all six pancakes made by local footballer Joey McMahon ended up stuck on the roof during an attempt to impress with his pancake-flipping skills. Mrs McMahon was later admitted to hospital with neck strain.
Tyrone county officials have admitted to being stretched this week after scrambling to prepare the Healy Park away dressing room to meet the demands of multiple All-Ireland champions and multi-millionaires Dublin.
The Boys in Blue, who thrashed Tyrone last August in between holidays to Dubai and Kinsale, arrive by private jet in Omagh on Saturday night for the second round of fixtures in the National League.
A leaked A4 sheet of paper revealed the extent of the Dublin management’s expectations when visiting county grounds:
– Heated benches
– Unlimited supply of unfiltered Dublin water
– personalised hangers with each player’s initials on them
– newspapers from across the world including the Financial Times
– soothing classical music and strictly no country music
– No member of the public within a 400 year radius
– Framed picture of Bertie Ahern
– 73 degree fahrenheit exactly
– a ping-pong table
– a large urn containing noodles and jellied eel
– two smartly dressed hostesses from Omagh
– a temporary runway for landing and taking off
A Tyrone GAA sources added:
“We’ve been able to meet most of the demands but a few towards the end are proving problematic. We need to get this right or Dublin could throw us out of the Association altogether.”
If all else fails, the Gortin Road will be cordoned off as a temporary landing strip for the Jackeen players.
Despite rumours to the contrary, a pair of socks given as a Christmas present to a father of four just outside Omagh are still in operation despite approaching the end of January.
Retailers in the county confirmed that over 6900 pairs of socks were bought in the county in the run up to the festive period. It was thought that only 3450 single socks remained after the 25th of January until a man was spotted, and eventually approached, in the Spar in Tattyreagh wearing a matching pair of Game of Thrones socks.
John McCabe, who was out buying wheaten bread and a packet of Fruit Pastilles, admitted:
“It’s a pure fluke. I thought one of them was an A-Team one I’ve had since 1986 but it does now appear that I have two of the same kind. Who’d have thought that? I’m urging other men not to give up hope.”
Meanwhile, a survey has revealed that the long month after Christmas has left many families eating things at the back of their cupboards despite warning from health officials. A mother in Cookstown this morning admitted to friends in the hairdressers that she fed the whole family pickled cockles from a small jar for dinner all week.
Pub and shop owners in the county have urged people to stop giving off about Alexa after it emerged that over 1000 households in the county returned their Amazon Echo devices due to its inability to understand locals and vice versa.
In one extreme example, a man in his 40s from Eskra was witnessed kicking the device around his garden at 3pm on Christmas Day after it failed to understand “Alex, play the one ‘Mon Boy Light Thon Fire’ by that band The Durs” after 200 requests to do so.
Electronics expert Roger McGinnity from Omagh offered advice for locals who have yet to return their device:
“Alexa isn’t programmed to understand the subtleties of the Tyrone dialect. Asking it ‘is it coul the day?’ will confused the system and result in annoyance on both sides. My advice is to think of what you want to ask and have a dictionary nearby and mouth out the words that way. It’s still a useful device.”
The Amazon data team revealed that the most asked questions to Alexa in the county on Christmas Day were: ‘Alexa, will Trone win the All-Ireland the year?’ and ‘Alexa, are the cops nearby atall?’
Meanwhile a 43-year old man from Ardboe has proposed to the machine, surrounded by family and friends. Although Alexa was non-committal, a service will go ahead on New Year’s Eve, the first of its kind in the county.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
News of an annual report from Strava, a website and mobile app that allows you to track cycling and running speeds and which revealed that Omagh has the fastest runners in the whole of Scotland, Wales, England and the North of Ireland, has alarmed Canadian based gold mining company Dalradian Resources – the firm seeking to extract Gold deposits from the Sperrin Mountains.
According to Dalradian, the Sperrins holds more than four million ounces of gold, with an unnamed representative adding:
“Most of the pure stuff lies in Tyrone, with the lower grade shite in the Derry parts – but to be honest we are mostly concerned that each of those potential employees who sent us their CVs are world-class sprinters. It hardly fills a gold mining company with confidence, given the security issues we face on a daily basis world-wide with workers trying to sneak out the stuff in increasingly cunning ways.”
Pete “Legs” MacDougal, a former mining engineer in the silver mines in Stirling, Scotland, confirmed it’s a trend he’s seen before:
“In ‘98/‘99, Stirling had the fastest runners in the whole of the UK. It was no coincidence either that they were queueing up for the mining work, with one a week on average legging it past security while flashing a smile of a solid gold front row teeth. From the stories I’ve heard of Tyrone people, I wouldn’t put it past them Omagh folks to have been doing sprint drills for years just waiting on the mining project to get the green light”
Both Darren Clarke and Rory McIlroy have been spotted in Sallys recently, watching YouTube videos on how to fill golf balls with gold. It is understood a syndicate of as yet unnamed individuals are planning on constructing a giant washing machine with a magnet in the back, so that McIlroy can train them how to drive gold filled golf balls 350 yards out over any potential security fences.
In unrelated news Spandau Ballet are due to play Sallys night club this St Stephen’s night- with Gold VIP tickets priced at £3.50 each. All proceeds go to a good Claus.
A top Omagh literary historian, Dr John McGarvey, has concluded that Charles Dickens got his inspiration for A Christmas Carol after being forced to holiday in Ballyjamesduff with his parents in 1839 for a whole week.
Poring over Dickens’ diaries from that time, Dr McGarvey is adamant that the character of Scrooge could be based on over 40 different men he encountered during his stay in the 1966/67 Irish Tidy Towns Winner location.
“A few times Dickens, who was only a teenager at the time, wrote about local men as ‘the most wretched and miserable humans to walk this entire land’ and wrote of a man who liked to sit around the fire on a cold winter’s night and if it was really bad, he’d even light it.”
Nailing down who the character of Scrooge was seemed to be an impossible task though McGarvey is looking into the possibility of it being a certain ‘Hugh Reilly’ of whom it was said he was so tight that he would only breathe in and would check under his bed in the morning to see if he’d lost any sleep.
Adding strength to McGarvey’s claim, the word ‘humbug’ is a close relation to the local Cavan gaelic word ‘hámbeag’ which means ‘tight’.
“I’m leaning towards the idea that Scrooge was based on Hugh Reilly. It was said that Reilly once found a discarded pair of manmade crutches, went home and broke his son’s leg so he could use them.”