Plans for a £20b bridge between Larne and Stranraer were shelved before the start of any construction due to potholes appearing on the one-year-old drafts. One of the holes, which had a diameter of 5 metres, would have taken five years to be fixed on the actual drafts, and 15 years in reality, according to the Department of Infrastructure.
Additionally, an argument over the bulb wattage for the road lamps between Scotland and Ireland was attempting to derail the plans anyway, with the Scots favouring 40 watt bulbs as opposed to the 60 watts demanded by the Stormont government. Larne had also favoured the 60 watt bulbs as it would light up their town a good bit in order to highlight its majesty.
Omagh man Patrick Kelly, who tarmacs roads around Lough Neagh, expressed his anger at the shelving:
“What in under God is the problem with a few potholes? There’s a pothole outside Tattyreagh and it’s so big that people from America come over to photograph it and buy the tea towels commemorating it. Snowflakes the lot of them.”
The £20bn is to be split between the two interested parties, with Larne one proposing a £10bn bonfire and some biscuits.
It has emerged that the Department for Infrastructure (DfI) have already received three claims for pothole damage to cars from the new proposed Scotland to Ireland bridge, despite the fact the bridge will probably never be built.
It was confirmed that two of the claims came from Dungannon residents with the other coming from a single mother near Coleraine. A fourth claim was immediately dismissed as it detailed damage from hedges and overhanging branches, despite the supposed bridge being situated in mid-air over the North Channel.
DfI spokesperson John ‘Beefy’ McCoy has asked motorists to be careful with speed before setting out on the mythical bridge:
“We’re thinking of setting maybe a 60mph speed limit on the bridge if it’s ever built, reduced to 30mph around build-up areas. My message is, take it easy.”
Meanwhile, the Parades Commission have also received over 25 applications from various organisations who want to become the first to march down the new bridge which is unlikely to be built. As well as the Orange and Hibernian Orders, other proposals were received from The Society of United Pig Farmers and The Cookstown Sausage Secret Society.
The Moygashel Triangle Band are favourites to become the first band to play on the bridge.
By Staff Reporter Shengas McGlumphie
“Them wee troll boys are bad news” said Terry McGerr from Church Street. “They’ve been nothing but trouble since thon new big road opened. And it’s all because they hang about under all them new fancy bridges. Bridges to trolls is like what a jar of honey is to bees. Anyways, what was wrong with the Ballygawley line?”
A troll is a supernatural being from Norse mythology and Scandinavian folklore. Known for living under bridges, trolls are said to be ugly and slow-witted, often with particularly grotesque facial characteristics.
“I’m sure I’ve seen some hanging about Donaghmore outside Grimes’ place, bold as brass, like they own the shop. They’ll be taking our jobs next, and then what? It was fine when it was just the one wee troll underneath Hopper’s Bridge on the Aughnagar Road. He kept himself to himself. In fact, you’d never even see him. Now you can’t move for feckin trolls.”
McGerr admitted that he hadn’t actually made any conclusive troll sightings but says he has come close:
“Oh aye, two Friday nights ago late on I saw a bunch of them all squatted down under the bridge at Cabragh like a wee witch’s coven, all cacklin away thinking no-one was watching them. It was only when I got up close I realised it was just some Killeeshil lasses on their way home from Quinn’s Corner, stopping off to relieve themselves in the sheuk”.
Undeterred, McGerr intends to continue his not-in-my-back-yard style of Council lobbying until action is taken.