Following the news that MLAs spend an average of £32’000 a year between them on refreshments, an independent audit has revealed that over £10’000 was spent on Custard Creams.
Further to that, all bar one MLA revealed they never once saw a Custard Cream at a meeting, leaving all fingers pointing in the direction of Sinn Fein’s Barry McElduff who was often spotted with crumbs on his jacket and around his lower lip.
In a more sinister move, MI5 admitted to raiding McElduff’s offices for evidence of his mass biscuit consumption only to find nothing incriminating bar a poster of Peter Canavan being fouled by Conor Gormley and a CD of Philomena Begley’s ‘Songs From The Ramparts and other stuff’.
Independent Audit spokesperson Julie McPhearson added:
“It’s quite obvious that McElduff is addicted to Custard Creams and is using the offices in Stormont to feed this addiction. Catching him at it is another thing, as he appears to have a sound knowledge of the security camera black spots. But if you look closely at any photographs or video footage, you can see crumbs on his lapels and even sometimes chewing really slowly.”
McElduff, when questioned on the mysterious Custard Creamgate, remained nonchalant:
“These people have nothing better to be at. I haven’t had a Custard Cream since the 1990s although I’m partial to the Gypsy Creams at the wekend but they’re harder to get now. They can search the place all they want. They’d be better looking around Alex Maskey’s office and count the amount of empty Penguin biscuit wrappers.”
The audit also revealed that in 2016 alone, £5600 has already been spent on cocktail sausages, made exclusively by Cookstown Meats, firmly pointing the finger of suspicion at the SDLP’s Patsy McGlone.
In the run up to the Oscars, two Hollywood stars who have been nominated for Best Actor have been involved in an ugly social media argument over who should appear on the front cover of this month’s Mid-Ulster Focus magazine.
Benedict Cumberbatch (The Imitation Game) and Bradley Cooper (American Sniper) locked horns on Twitter after Tom Hanks suggested it would be a good time for any awardee to appear on the front cover of the latest edition of the mid-Ulster based publication with the Oscars coming up on the 22nd February in California.
Cumberbatch, who made his name as Sherlock Holmes on the BBC, claimed he was a massive fan of Cookstown Sausages and often daydreams of walking along the Coalisland Canal, adding that it would be a dream come true to appear on the front cover of Mid-Ulster Focus and that he was a far out relation of the Corr clan from the area.
Cooper appeared to be alerted by his people of Cumberbatch’s tweet and was quick to retort:
“Away a that a ye Cumberbatch. You wouldn’t know a Cookstown Sausage from a Stewartstown Steak. #chancer.”
before adding three minutes later:
“The Oscars should be held up at Tullyhogue Fort. Such a lovely place. #lovemidulsterfocus #lovemrcorr.”
Disappointingly, the Twitter war descended into a personal slanging match with Cooper calling Cumberbatch ‘Benny Cucumberbitch’ and Cumberbatch retorting repeatedly with the ‘#hangover-was-shite’ hashtag.
At the moment of writing, Mid-Ulster Focus has yet to reveal who they will have on the front cover of their magazine in the run up to the Oscars later in the month, adding that ‘it’ll probably be Mid-Ulster related‘.
You can download a copy of Mid-Ulster Focus for £1 from here – http://midulsterfocus.com/
or click here
A man from Glenelly yesterday announced that a painting he drew at the weekend will go to auction with a reserve price of £100 million.
The announcement comes only days after a painting by Irish-born painter Francis Bacon was sold for a record-breaking £89m just last week.
“Them Dubliners have always been a bunch of chancers”, declared Malkie McArdle, an unemployed rain maker, who only took up painting at the beginning of October. “He painted this half-arsed picter of a man or a spoon or a tree or something. I’m a bit fuzzy on the details. A bit like that fecker’s painting in fact. Anyway, he stuck a hefty price on it and some eedjit went and paid it. I thought to myself, I could do that. So I have done”.
His piece of art, entitled, ‘Sausages At Rest’, depicts a value-pack of a dozen Cookstown sausages which he found at the back of the fridge.
“There was this boy years ago who done a picter of tomato soup or baked beans or something, and he got a lock of pounds for it too”, said McArdle. “So why not sausages? This is a one-off. Them sausages is all
eaten up so it can never be re-created. That’s why it’s so expensive”.
The painting was created using a mixture of engine oil, crayons, mud, and some Tayto crisps which accidentally fell onto the canvass.
“The famous artists like Rembrandt and Van Gogh and the one that was the policeman were always using oils and the like, so I did the same”, said a proud McArdle. “I had a wee can of two-stroke sitting in the shed that I use for the lawnmower. It all went a bit runny and if I’m being honest the whole yolk looks a bit shit, but that’s not the point. Some boy in Florida or Paris or Americay or somewhere’ll pay big money for that. I’m just sitting back and waiting for the call. Deadly”.
McArdle is adamant that the £100 million asking price is firmly non- negotiable, although he has said privately that he would consider settling for £5 or another pack of sausages.
Leaked plans from a source within Dungannon & South Tyrone Council have revealed that the Council is planning to spend the £400m budget, originally earmarked for the A5 road extension, on a huge party for the 150,000 lucky residents in Tyrone. An anonymous source told us:
“We were going to get the money taken away anyway so we might as well use it on something. We’ve not done the sums yet on how much it works out at per resident because our calculators don’t go to enough decimal places, but it should be the price of a whole clatter of pints for every man, woman and child”.
The original expectation was that the funds would be withdrawn and used elsewhere in Ireland or the EC for other projects. However, the source said that officials discovered that they can re-classify the £400m expense from ‘A5 Road multi-million pound upgrade’ into a category called ‘Miscellaneous Expenses’ without anyone noticing.
Plans are already underway to have a one-day celebration of all that is good about Tyrone, including Irish dancing, bull-fighting, tyre-kicking, dwarf wrestling, diffing, laundering, slagging, passing down clothes and St Bridgid’s Cross weaving. The leaked 10-point document outlines the plans for the event which will be organised by the Council, expected to take place mid-August:
- ‘Mad Musical Spectacular’, better than Band Aid. Featuring band made up of Bono, Philomena Begley, Paul McCartney and Dennis Taylor. Follow up with charity recording The Mountains of Pomeroy, featuring Sting on the spoons. Get Lady Gaga if Philomena not available.
- Derrylaughan to be re-classified as 2013 City of Culture. Persuade people in Derry that them getting it was an admin error.
- Get Derrylaughan re-classified as a City
- Free Moy Park chicken for every Tyrone resident. Utility bill as proof of address required. Cookstown Sausages instead for any vegetarians.
- ‘All Star Football’ featuring 1986 Tyrone versus the 1966 England World Cup Team
- Fly Pope and entourage over for the day as special guest of honour. Use Easyjet to keep cost down but agree to pay for Easyjet Meal Deal for Pope only, to include sandwich, Pringles and bar of chocolate of His Holiness’s choice.
- A lock of pints for every resident. Get Costcutters to do a deal.
- Free sick bag for every family.
- Bulldoze Asda in Cookstown. Build 3,000-foot statue of Peter Canavan.
- Bribe BBC producers for Tyrone to feature on ‘Lesser Spotted Ulster’ every week for next 5 years
The day will be hosted by Ant or Dec, whichever is cheaper.