A man from Glenelly yesterday announced that a painting he drew at the weekend will go to auction with a reserve price of £100 million.
The announcement comes only days after a painting by Irish-born painter Francis Bacon was sold for a record-breaking £89m just last week.
“Them Dubliners have always been a bunch of chancers”, declared Malkie McArdle, an unemployed rain maker, who only took up painting at the beginning of October. “He painted this half-arsed picter of a man or a spoon or a tree or something. I’m a bit fuzzy on the details. A bit like that fecker’s painting in fact. Anyway, he stuck a hefty price on it and some eedjit went and paid it. I thought to myself, I could do that. So I have done”.
His piece of art, entitled, ‘Sausages At Rest’, depicts a value-pack of a dozen Cookstown sausages which he found at the back of the fridge.
“There was this boy years ago who done a picter of tomato soup or baked beans or something, and he got a lock of pounds for it too”, said McArdle. “So why not sausages? This is a one-off. Them sausages is all
eaten up so it can never be re-created. That’s why it’s so expensive”.
The painting was created using a mixture of engine oil, crayons, mud, and some Tayto crisps which accidentally fell onto the canvass.
“The famous artists like Rembrandt and Van Gogh and the one that was the policeman were always using oils and the like, so I did the same”, said a proud McArdle. “I had a wee can of two-stroke sitting in the shed that I use for the lawnmower. It all went a bit runny and if I’m being honest the whole yolk looks a bit shit, but that’s not the point. Some boy in Florida or Paris or Americay or somewhere’ll pay big money for that. I’m just sitting back and waiting for the call. Deadly”.
McArdle is adamant that the £100 million asking price is firmly non- negotiable, although he has said privately that he would consider settling for £5 or another pack of sausages.
In an initiative to counteract the crippling boredom in Killeeshil, the Townland Committee have passed ambitious plans to build an art gallery down at Tullyallen by the start of the summer . Although the idea of a polo pitch was firm favourite to get the nod, a last minute plea by the Killeeshil Drawing Group appears to have swung the balance in favour of the gallery, sparking a mixed response in the townland and neighbouring Cabragh. Paddy King, a middle-class stamp-collector, welcomed the news:
“Splendid! At last Killeeshil can take its place at the top table with areas like Donaghmore, Bangor and Abu Dhabi. We in Killeeshil have always considered ourselves aliens in the Tyrone environment. The best selling paper in the Spar is the Financial Times and a boy down the road got his kitchen featured in the Ulster Tatler. We shouldn’t be here really. I personally can’t wait to rub noses with the greats of Irish artistry, boys like Yeats and Francis Bacon, if they’re still alive. Additionally, it gives us something to do beyond tea parties and blood sports. We tried attending a few GAA matches and add a bit of class to the sporting reputation in the area by introducing Gregorian chants during a lull in play and post-match spreads of Bolivian cocktails and taglietelli bolognaise, served with a green side salad dressed with a baslamic dressing. The peasants laughed at us. Hurrah for the Townland Committee!”
Others, though, did not take kindly to the announcement, with most resentment dripping from the mouths of Cabragh residents. Johnny Wreh, a welder from the townland, told us:
“Oul sickeners. They’ll all be standing there in their scarves and jumpers spouting shite about drawings, thinking they look deadly. What the feck would Hub Hughes know about Picasso?”
Dungannon has pledged to up the ante themselves by erecting the Dungannon Dome where Wellworths used to be. Already there is talk of using it for night classes for the ‘Bettering Oneself Campaign’ with courses running such as ‘Big Words’, ‘Casual Racism’ and ‘Dining Etiquette’.