A Caledon man is being treated for what is believed to be post traumatic stress disorder, after venturing into his wife’s handbag to get a Polo mint.
59-year old Fergal Coughlan, a gas-lighter from Caledon, was travelling back from mass with his wife Nellie on Sunday morning when he asked her for a sweet, who instructed him to ‘go into the left hand bit’ of her handbag.
“Jaysus, it was tara boys”, said the distressed Coughlan. “One minute I was asking for a wee sweetie and the next minute it was like falling down thon wormhole in Alice in Wonderland. Remember Mary Poppins’ handbag? It was like that, except with more stuff in it. I’ve seen things that’ll stay with me til I go to the grave”.
Coughlan claims he found a pair of pliers, a half-eaten Marathon bar, a balaclava, a ticket stub for ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’, a verruca sock, an old photo of Kevin McCabe, some paper clips, and a packet of unused strawberry-flavoured condoms.
“I’m disgusted and affronted”, remarked Coughlan. “What on earth was she doing with a Marathon? She doesn’t even like chocolate. And it was covered with mould. It must have been there for years. The nuts nearly broke my teeth it was that bad”.
Coughlan also claims he found half a brick, a pair of castanets, three Betamax video recordings of Starsky and Hutch, a radiator bleed key, ten unused, ripped-up pairs of tickets for Gareth Gates, and a pound of mince.
Commenting on her husband’s traumatic episode, wife Kitty told us,
“He needs to grow a pair. A woman needs all sorts of bits and bobs. Be prepared, that’s my motto. And anyway, he went into the wrong bit. When I said ‘left hand bit’, I meant left hand bit at the front outside, not the inside at the back. The clift”.
“And after all that?” said the despondent husband. “No feckin’ polo mints”.
In an initiative to counteract the crippling boredom in Killeeshil, the Townland Committee have passed ambitious plans to build an art gallery down at Tullyallen by the start of the summer . Although the idea of a polo pitch was firm favourite to get the nod, a last minute plea by the Killeeshil Drawing Group appears to have swung the balance in favour of the gallery, sparking a mixed response in the townland and neighbouring Cabragh. Paddy King, a middle-class stamp-collector, welcomed the news:
“Splendid! At last Killeeshil can take its place at the top table with areas like Donaghmore, Bangor and Abu Dhabi. We in Killeeshil have always considered ourselves aliens in the Tyrone environment. The best selling paper in the Spar is the Financial Times and a boy down the road got his kitchen featured in the Ulster Tatler. We shouldn’t be here really. I personally can’t wait to rub noses with the greats of Irish artistry, boys like Yeats and Francis Bacon, if they’re still alive. Additionally, it gives us something to do beyond tea parties and blood sports. We tried attending a few GAA matches and add a bit of class to the sporting reputation in the area by introducing Gregorian chants during a lull in play and post-match spreads of Bolivian cocktails and taglietelli bolognaise, served with a green side salad dressed with a baslamic dressing. The peasants laughed at us. Hurrah for the Townland Committee!”
Others, though, did not take kindly to the announcement, with most resentment dripping from the mouths of Cabragh residents. Johnny Wreh, a welder from the townland, told us:
“Oul sickeners. They’ll all be standing there in their scarves and jumpers spouting shite about drawings, thinking they look deadly. What the feck would Hub Hughes know about Picasso?”
Dungannon has pledged to up the ante themselves by erecting the Dungannon Dome where Wellworths used to be. Already there is talk of using it for night classes for the ‘Bettering Oneself Campaign’ with courses running such as ‘Big Words’, ‘Casual Racism’ and ‘Dining Etiquette’.