Training for the 2024 Olympics began in earnest across the county today after it emerged that break-dancing, wife-carrying and more importantly line-dancing were added to the official schedule for the Paris Games.
Tammy Kilpatrick (40) from Annaghnaboe, the East Tyrone Line-Dancing champion from 1998-2017, has come out of retirement in a bid to become Tyrone’s first gold medalist at the Olympics and has already downloaded Achy Breaky Heart, Boot Scootin’ Boogie and Chattahoochee in order to brush off the cobwebs:
“I can’t believe it. I’d be very confident. Once you win in Ardboe Hall, you can win anywhere including the big arenas in Paris. Let’s be honest, it’s going to be between us and the Yanks and I’m not sure if they have the hunger we have here. I’m starting to think Brooks was bribed not to come to Croke Park all those years ago to keep us on the back foot.”
Early rules have already stated that all men must wear a checked shirt tucked into their jeans which may need practising as many locals had begun practising the more European shirt outside jeans look in recent years.
Schools will receive grants for after-schools line-dancing classes in preparation for the Los Angeles 2028 Olympics which will hope to garner 12 gold medals for the Emerald Isle.
A 60-year old Derrylaughan man is said to be livid after his winning performance during the 1972 under-16 wheelbarrow race has been declared null and void due to his lifting partner’s subsequent disqualification.
Dimitri Popov, who was visiting distant cousins in Brocagh that year, sadly passed away in 1999 in a circus accident but his widow has been informed of the decision.
His racing partner, John Boy McCabe, is enraged at the decision which saw him return the ice-cream tokens he won as a result of his victorious participation as a 16-year old:
“It’s scandalous. Dimitri wasn’t on drugs. He was drunk ok but that was because he looked a bit older than what he was at the time and was drinking in Falls’ Bar from midday with everyone else. All this is based on the Olympic doping scandal but you can’t tar them all with the one brush. If anything it was me who did all the work. All he did was houl my legs. I’m gutted.”
The Washingbay Sports Day committee have subsequently awarded the ice cream tokens to the second placed team, Pierre LeGrille and Thierry Jambon from Paris, who were also holidaying in Brocagh at the time. A formal presentation will take place in front of the Eiffel Tower in August.
A Killyman teacher has urged the French Tourist Board to issue a health warning for any parents hoping to purchase tickets for the entertainment resort in Marne-la-Vallée, just a bit up the road from Paris.
Tony McKenner, a 40-year old father of three, was made to go to the attraction as a birthday surprise for his 6-year old daughter and returned vowing never to set foot in any amusements again, even Portrush.
“It’s the most miserable experience anyone could put themselves through. It was bad enough forking out 75 Euros for three sets of Mickey Mouse ears before we’d time to look around us, but then we queued for an hour to get on a ghost train which drove slowly through a house that wasn’t scary. However, I expected all that.”
McKenner maintains he failed to see anyone smile during the 6-hour ordeal:
“Sisters were kicking brothers. Brothers were whacking sisters. Mothers were pulling the ears off children, some which were not their own. Fathers were staring vacantly into the distance, ignoring the pleas of wives urging them to shout at the children with sore ears. All this was happening in the queue for an ice cream.”
The Killyman educationalist believes the resort’s backroom team Photoshop pictures to convince punters that they had a really good time:
“I came off the Buzz Lightyear Laser Blast thinking that was dung. We were then handed the photos and I was grinning from ear to ear. Now I’m starting to believe I actually had a really good time. But I know what I saw and experienced and I’m nearly sure it was horrendous. I definitely remember giving the child in the car in front of me the middle finger for shining his laser gun in my eyes.”
McKenner claims the big parade at the end was a celebration of the fact that the ordeal was at an end and that was why parents and children appeared to be generally in good spirits during it.
“I’d imagine it’s worse than childbirth,”
added McKenner whilst receiving a dirty look from his wife.
A man from Glenelly yesterday announced that a painting he drew at the weekend will go to auction with a reserve price of £100 million.
The announcement comes only days after a painting by Irish-born painter Francis Bacon was sold for a record-breaking £89m just last week.
“Them Dubliners have always been a bunch of chancers”, declared Malkie McArdle, an unemployed rain maker, who only took up painting at the beginning of October. “He painted this half-arsed picter of a man or a spoon or a tree or something. I’m a bit fuzzy on the details. A bit like that fecker’s painting in fact. Anyway, he stuck a hefty price on it and some eedjit went and paid it. I thought to myself, I could do that. So I have done”.
His piece of art, entitled, ‘Sausages At Rest’, depicts a value-pack of a dozen Cookstown sausages which he found at the back of the fridge.
“There was this boy years ago who done a picter of tomato soup or baked beans or something, and he got a lock of pounds for it too”, said McArdle. “So why not sausages? This is a one-off. Them sausages is all
eaten up so it can never be re-created. That’s why it’s so expensive”.
The painting was created using a mixture of engine oil, crayons, mud, and some Tayto crisps which accidentally fell onto the canvass.
“The famous artists like Rembrandt and Van Gogh and the one that was the policeman were always using oils and the like, so I did the same”, said a proud McArdle. “I had a wee can of two-stroke sitting in the shed that I use for the lawnmower. It all went a bit runny and if I’m being honest the whole yolk looks a bit shit, but that’s not the point. Some boy in Florida or Paris or Americay or somewhere’ll pay big money for that. I’m just sitting back and waiting for the call. Deadly”.
McArdle is adamant that the £100 million asking price is firmly non- negotiable, although he has said privately that he would consider settling for £5 or another pack of sausages.
Grand Theft Auto, the controversial video game which sees players take on the role of criminals and work their way through the ranks within gangland warfare, has admitted that they made a grave error trying to replicate the trials and tribulations of the Ardboe Underground.
Early reports of French, Chinese and American teenagers taking weeks off school to recover after playing only three hours of GTA Ardboe has not gone down well with its executives and media watchdogs across the globe. Issues such as diesel laundering, poteen making, bru-dodging, eel-breeding and general codology has proven to be a step too far for hardcore gamers from Florida to Finland.
Francois LeMan, a 17-year old Parisian hardcore hood, found it hard to talk about his psychological condition:
“Sacre Bleu. These Ardboe ones are, how do you say it in Ireland, ‘mad hoors’. You breed mad deadly eels. I don’t play games any more. I’m off to Lourdes.”
Level two of GTA Ardboe, which sees the game-player indulge in tractor-diffing and stealing neighbour’s gates on Halloween night, was described by high ranking American officials as ‘complete mind-numbing depravity’. A spokesman for President Obama admitted:
“Yes, Barack did play it to see what the fuss was. He loved the ‘Slabberin At Moortown Ones’ level but thought the ‘Using Cooking Oil As Fuel’ task was too unrealistic.”
GTA Urney has also been discontinued because of its ‘Takin The Head Clane Off Strabane Sigerson Full Forwards’ level.