It was confirmed last night that a long-awaited fun park will definitely open in Tyrone next year without doubt, subject to funding, planning applications, sponsors, advertisers, environmental concerns, staffing, and demand for tickets.
‘Canavan World’, a family fun park based around the celebrated and popular GAA Tyrone footballer Peter Canavan, is the brainchild of 52-year old Aiden Kerrigan, a professional beard grower and entrepreneur from Ardboe.
“Make no mistake”, announced a bold Kerrigan, “My ambition for a project of this scale knows no bounds. Canavan World is going to be biggest thing this side of Craigavon. Aye, that big. Peter’s some boy and he deserves worldwide recognition. This park will make him more famous than Bono, Sting and His Holiness all put together”.
In a bare-faced show of audacity Kerrigan intends to base the park close to Canavan’s home town of Glencull in direct competition with the nearby Ballygawley play park.
“Fair enough, Ballygawley might have a swing and a slide and a wee bin for smokers, but I’m confident we can go head-to-head with it for the international tourist trade”, declared Kerrigan.
Leaked documents confirm that some of Kerrigan’s proposed ideas and attractions include: –
• ‘The Peter Canavan One-Man Show’ – doesn’t involve the man himself but instead a video replay of the entire 1995 All-Ireland Final against Dublin, when Canavan scored nearly all of Tyrone’s points on his own.
• Church of Canavan. A brand new church dedicated to Peter, blessed by the Vatican, where converts spend three hours a week praying to Vidal Sassoon, patron saint of follicles, for Peter to grow a big bushy head of luxuriant blond hair.
• Peter Canavan Arena. Like Las Vegas but bigger. Malachi Cush to do a 10-year residency, like the ones Elton and Celine do. Ask Philomena to do it when Malachi wants a weekend off.
• Premier showing of ‘The Karate Kick’. Re-make of the 1980’s movie, ‘The Karate Kid’, starring Peter Canavan as an old Japanese man teaching Eoin Mulligan the ancient and mystical secrets of how to elbow a defender in the face without the referee seeing.
• Peter’s Water World. The man himself re-enacts some of his greatest goals, in a tank filled with 3,000 gallons of water and a killer whale.
• Canavan’s ‘Goal-er’ Coaster. A chance to watch Peter’s greatest points whilst travelling at speeds of up to 140mph, whilst sitting beside a cub scout who’s trying to drink orange and eat a cheeseburger.
• Peter Canavan Circus: Featuring Hugo Duncan as the ringmaster, Mickey Harte as the lion tamer, Stephen O’Neill as the strongman, and Joe Brolly as the clown.
Volunteers wishing to get involved with the project should submit a full CV with doctor’s certificate confirming they haven’t lost their marbles, to http://www.doomed-to-fail.com
Beragh has been awash with theories today as to why Bono has apparently moved there with speculation that it’s a charity initiative gone wrong the most probable reason. The U2 frontman has been spotted dandering around the village and country lanes patting children on the head and crying whilst humming sad songs that haven’t been written yet.
Local joiner Paddy Grimes reckons he’s sure why the sun-glassed millionaire has moved to the area:
“The oul eejit thinks this is Bosnia or Baghdad or something like that and is here on some kind of humanitarian mission. Beragh might be finding it tough in this recession but Jaysus it’s not that bad like. The Costcutters have been charging £1.50 for a 2-litre bottle of semi-skimmed but that’s hardly good enough reason for a full scale disaster appeal. I wonder is Sting coming too.”
Others do not share Grimes’ thinking. Paula Agnew thinks it’s a much more sinister development:
“Even the dogs in the street know that Beragh’s the epicentre for dirty diesel, cheap fags and benefit fraud. This Bono boy isn’t behind the door when it comes to financial hoodwinkery and I think he’s crying to sneakily merge himself in to the Beragh culture. I saw him at the Beragh game against Loughmacrory last week and he was watching the corner backs closely. Wouldn’t be surprised if the Dub togs out next week. Can’t be any worse than we have though.”
With the Beragh Manure Matrix on next week, others are suggesting he’s after the pure bred limousine – the prize if anyone can guess where the heifer will dung on the field. Sean Collins is sure he’s sussing out the competition:
“That’s what it is. He’s after the cattle, the bollix. Well, for all his millions he’s still only allowed to pick one square. If he wins fair enough. If not, he can head back to America or Gibraltar after singing maybe two or three songs.”
Bookies are siding with Grimes and believe he’s here to sound out a benefit concert, with Sting, Beyonce, Malachi Cush and Tom Jones joining him for the big day. This morning he was witnessed giving brown money to children playing iPads in the park. The Edge has not been spotted yet.
Leaked plans from a source within Dungannon & South Tyrone Council have revealed that the Council is planning to spend the £400m budget, originally earmarked for the A5 road extension, on a huge party for the 150,000 lucky residents in Tyrone. An anonymous source told us:
“We were going to get the money taken away anyway so we might as well use it on something. We’ve not done the sums yet on how much it works out at per resident because our calculators don’t go to enough decimal places, but it should be the price of a whole clatter of pints for every man, woman and child”.
The original expectation was that the funds would be withdrawn and used elsewhere in Ireland or the EC for other projects. However, the source said that officials discovered that they can re-classify the £400m expense from ‘A5 Road multi-million pound upgrade’ into a category called ‘Miscellaneous Expenses’ without anyone noticing.
Plans are already underway to have a one-day celebration of all that is good about Tyrone, including Irish dancing, bull-fighting, tyre-kicking, dwarf wrestling, diffing, laundering, slagging, passing down clothes and St Bridgid’s Cross weaving. The leaked 10-point document outlines the plans for the event which will be organised by the Council, expected to take place mid-August:
- ‘Mad Musical Spectacular’, better than Band Aid. Featuring band made up of Bono, Philomena Begley, Paul McCartney and Dennis Taylor. Follow up with charity recording The Mountains of Pomeroy, featuring Sting on the spoons. Get Lady Gaga if Philomena not available.
- Derrylaughan to be re-classified as 2013 City of Culture. Persuade people in Derry that them getting it was an admin error.
- Get Derrylaughan re-classified as a City
- Free Moy Park chicken for every Tyrone resident. Utility bill as proof of address required. Cookstown Sausages instead for any vegetarians.
- ‘All Star Football’ featuring 1986 Tyrone versus the 1966 England World Cup Team
- Fly Pope and entourage over for the day as special guest of honour. Use Easyjet to keep cost down but agree to pay for Easyjet Meal Deal for Pope only, to include sandwich, Pringles and bar of chocolate of His Holiness’s choice.
- A lock of pints for every resident. Get Costcutters to do a deal.
- Free sick bag for every family.
- Bulldoze Asda in Cookstown. Build 3,000-foot statue of Peter Canavan.
- Bribe BBC producers for Tyrone to feature on ‘Lesser Spotted Ulster’ every week for next 5 years
The day will be hosted by Ant or Dec, whichever is cheaper.
“Who ever heard of Denmark, like? They can stick their tin whistle up their hole.” B McElduff, Carrickmore
“Them leather trousers lost it. The lad could hardly move. His lad could hardly move. He should’ve thrown some shapes.” M Gildernew, Aghaloo
“See next year. I’m going to enter and during the last bar I’ll turn around, drop my trousers and have ‘Up Yours Europe’ tattooed on my buttocks. That’ll learn them.” F McGuigan, Ardboe
“Trappatoni OUT!” P Canavan, Ballygawley
“I’ve more buckin points on my licence.” G Cavlan, Dungannon
“That girl didn’t even have any shoes and still won. Embarrassing. We need to send a tramp out next year.” P Donaghy, Moy
“Them boys with the bodhrans should’ve worn shirts. And not played bodhrans.” P Begley, Pomeroy
“One point from the UK? No more Mr Kipling for me.” M Cush, Donaghmore
“We’d still drink them under the table. But they won’t have a Eurovision for that, will they?” J Devlin, Gortin
“The lorry-top parade has been cancelled because of ….poor visibility. Yes, the weather is cat.” Strabane Council
“His teeth were too white. People didn’t believe he was Irish. And the tan? Come on, like.” M O’Neill, Clonoe
“We need to send out Bono, all greased up like, playing the accordion and maybe the girls from Betwitched leaping about him singing about the Sean Quinn thing.” R McMenamin, Dromore
A black card will be used in gaelic football from January next year. Motion 4 proposed that a new ‘black card’ be introduced to deal with a specific category of foul, relating to ‘cynical behaviour’ and was passed with a 82% majority at the GAA Annual Congress in Derry today. We gauged reaction to the historic decision across the globe:
“Hell yea! Delighted to hear the dudes in Derry passed this. A victory for democracy. We need to show the dissenters the error of their ways. Had this not been passed we would have considered air strikes on the new Garvaghey complex. Here, I bet you Ricey’s glad he retired when he did.” PRESIDENT OBAMA, USA
“Bastards, hi!” NADINE COYLE, DERRY
“Mmmm. Do you know who’s been given the gig for making the black cards? Interesting.” SEAN QUINN, FERMANAGH
“O mama. This is just the beginning. Get me in and I’ll have a baseball-type musical jingle as the ref digs around looking for the correct card. Will it be red? The music builds. Will it be yellow. Faster, faster. It’s black. Pantomime booing. Great TV. I like the idea of the hooter at the end. I’ll get women in hooter T-shirts to do it. Kerching! Nailed it!” LOUIS WALSH, MANCHESTER
“I’m undecided. Up the Carmen.” POPE FRANCIS, ROME
“What colour will the black cards be? I hope it’s pink. I love pink.” JORDAN, ESSEX
“Abusive language? Does that include ‘nordie bastards’? BONO, DUBLIN
“You can’t say black!” JOHN TERRY, LONDON
“I hope Conor Gormley brings a cushion to the games. He’ll be spending some time sitting on benches. Cute though.” KATY PERRY, CALIFORNIA