Parishes across the county have been warned to expect ‘droves’ of lapsed worshippers returning to Mass this Sunday, just hours before the Euro final between Italy and England. The Vatican have asked priests to turn a blind eye to those who don’t know the new rules about sitting, standing and genuflecting.
Already, several complaints have been made to authorities regarding light pollution as multiple candles have been lit in most households since 11pm on Wednesday night.
Henry Campbell, a non-practising Catholic of 55 years from Beragh, admitted he has felt an undeniable urge to return to religion immediately:
“I can’t explain it. As soon as the final whistle went last night, I fell to my knees and said ‘Holy Mary, mother of God’ and just started praying. It was a magical, yet worrying feeling, like impending doom. I can’t wait to go to Mass now on Sunday. I’ll be praying like hell. Are you still allowed to talk after Communion?”
Meanwhile, three Kane families in Coalisland have urged people to stop giving them dirty looks, reiterating that they’re not related to Harry Kane in the slightest. The Maguires and Rices in Dungannon have also experienced similar social isolation in the last three weeks.
An Omagh lawyer has admitted he allowed his passion and temper to get the better of him after obliterating the Danish Pastry display in the Spar in the town this morning at 7am.
Paul McMahon (56), an avid Republic of Ireland supporter, has been charged with the destruction of 56 cinnamon rolls, 30 raisin swirls and 3 small pecan slices. The Fintona Road man revealed:
“I was still sore enough when I woke up over the humiliation by Denmark the night before. The last thing I needed was a Spar woman trying to promote Danish Pastry in my face at seven in the morning. I completely lost it and fly-kicked the tray out of her hand and set about wrecking the whole section. I don’t regret it. Feck them.”
Local shopper Damien Hurson, who happened to be perusing the cabbages at the same time, countered this version of events and went as far as denying it ever happened:
“Yous Tyrone Tribulations ones do this every year when Ireland get bate. Yous made up a story about a man ruining the kiwis in a fruit shop when New Zeland beat them in the rugby and a man wrecking the french bread stall when Henry handled the ball. Get new material, OK?”
Local historians have warned people to refrain from targeting Danish Pastry displays as it was the Austrians who invented them.
A Dungannon student has admitted he is ‘afraid’ and ‘lonely’ after receiving news he has achieved 4 As in his A-Level results, and is currently considering leaving the country for somewhere like Japan or Denmark for a week or two.
Colin Rodgers, who was described as a ‘quiet and hard-working pupil’ by his teachers and ‘a bit…you know….odd’ by his family, is the first to do A-Levels in the Rodgers’ family history, dating back to 1455. He achieved top grades in Physics, Mathematics, Chemistry and Dance.
His father John, a bouncer outside The Fort Bar, complained:
“Our Colin would need to take a long hard look at what he’s at here. No one in our estate goes out and tries to get good grades in school. That’s just stupid. He’s asking for a kicking and I’m talking about around our breakfast table when he comes down those stairs. Who does he think he is – Graham Norton or something?”
News of Rodgers’ success has spread like wildfire around the greater Dungannon area with reports of graffiti such as ‘Colin’s a dick’ reportedly scrawled outside Curley’s Supermarket on the Oaks Road. Loyal friend and full cousin Kenny Rodgers added:
“I just don’t know him any more. He went off the rails at GCSE, getting nine A* grades and taking up the saxophone. And he never talks about DLA and dole queues and normal stuff like that. It’s like he’s sick or something.”
Colin hopes to pursue his academic studies in Cambridge University in England, studying medicine and law. His father added:
“England’s good enough for him. And when he’s a fully practising barrister he need not expect to come here looking advice on how to fill out forms for claiming stuff like looking after long-dead ancestors.”
The SELB have set up a hotline for anyone student seeking advice on how to cope with good grades.
“Who ever heard of Denmark, like? They can stick their tin whistle up their hole.” B McElduff, Carrickmore
“Them leather trousers lost it. The lad could hardly move. His lad could hardly move. He should’ve thrown some shapes.” M Gildernew, Aghaloo
“See next year. I’m going to enter and during the last bar I’ll turn around, drop my trousers and have ‘Up Yours Europe’ tattooed on my buttocks. That’ll learn them.” F McGuigan, Ardboe
“Trappatoni OUT!” P Canavan, Ballygawley
“I’ve more buckin points on my licence.” G Cavlan, Dungannon
“That girl didn’t even have any shoes and still won. Embarrassing. We need to send a tramp out next year.” P Donaghy, Moy
“Them boys with the bodhrans should’ve worn shirts. And not played bodhrans.” P Begley, Pomeroy
“One point from the UK? No more Mr Kipling for me.” M Cush, Donaghmore
“We’d still drink them under the table. But they won’t have a Eurovision for that, will they?” J Devlin, Gortin
“The lorry-top parade has been cancelled because of ….poor visibility. Yes, the weather is cat.” Strabane Council
“His teeth were too white. People didn’t believe he was Irish. And the tan? Come on, like.” M O’Neill, Clonoe
“We need to send out Bono, all greased up like, playing the accordion and maybe the girls from Betwitched leaping about him singing about the Sean Quinn thing.” R McMenamin, Dromore