A Dungannon man from the White City area finally ended year-long rumours by admitting he’s not receiving Disability Living Allowance.
Eamonn McNally, who has always refused to limp and regularly makes his own dinner, became the second man from Dungannon to admit not being on the DLA after Birdy McGuinness revealed he was not receiving any benefit in 2001. McGuinness was forced to leave the town after several hammerings outside The Fort in 2002 by bouncers on crutches. As of October 2015, no woman over 18 from the town has failed to received DLA since the allowance scheme commenced in 1992, with over 78% of Dungannon’s population currently limping.
A neighbour and former friend of McNallys, Josh McCann, revealed he’s seething at the news:
“McNally thinks he’s all smart cos he got a GCSE in Learning For Life and Work (LLW) and won’t get the DLA. There must be something wrong with his head. I’m on the middle band as I need someone to ‘help me with my bodily functions‘. I don’t understand why he doesn’t even go for the bottom band by saying he hasn’t a clue how to make his dinner. After this news gets out, he’ll be on the DLA legit in a couple of days, don’t worry. And it’ll be the top band. His bodily functions will be banjaxed….”
before walking off winking, clenching his fists and making threateningly loud laughing noises.
The defection comes after the controversial Dungannon Sports Day when 14 of the 16 races were won by locals on the highest level of DLA for mobility problems, including Portuguese native Cristiano Hurson who won the 100m on crutches.
A Dungannon student has admitted he is ‘afraid’ and ‘lonely’ after receiving news he has achieved 4 As in his A-Level results, and is currently considering leaving the country for somewhere like Japan or Denmark for a week or two.
Colin Rodgers, who was described as a ‘quiet and hard-working pupil’ by his teachers and ‘a bit…you know….odd’ by his family, is the first to do A-Levels in the Rodgers’ family history, dating back to 1455. He achieved top grades in Physics, Mathematics, Chemistry and Dance.
His father John, a bouncer outside The Fort Bar, complained:
“Our Colin would need to take a long hard look at what he’s at here. No one in our estate goes out and tries to get good grades in school. That’s just stupid. He’s asking for a kicking and I’m talking about around our breakfast table when he comes down those stairs. Who does he think he is – Graham Norton or something?”
News of Rodgers’ success has spread like wildfire around the greater Dungannon area with reports of graffiti such as ‘Colin’s a dick’ reportedly scrawled outside Curley’s Supermarket on the Oaks Road. Loyal friend and full cousin Kenny Rodgers added:
“I just don’t know him any more. He went off the rails at GCSE, getting nine A* grades and taking up the saxophone. And he never talks about DLA and dole queues and normal stuff like that. It’s like he’s sick or something.”
Colin hopes to pursue his academic studies in Cambridge University in England, studying medicine and law. His father added:
“England’s good enough for him. And when he’s a fully practising barrister he need not expect to come here looking advice on how to fill out forms for claiming stuff like looking after long-dead ancestors.”
The SELB have set up a hotline for anyone student seeking advice on how to cope with good grades.
Following his comments over Scottish independence last week, the President of the United States made some astonishing remarks regarding the recent re-configuration of the parking and road layout in Dungannon Square.
Speaking on NBC television, Barack Obama fumed,
“There is a democratic process in place in Tyrone and what they do to Dungannon Square is up to the people who live there. But from the outside, anyone can see that a two-way system going up to the library flanked by only 27 parking spaces is sheer lunacy. What’s going on? Is Barry McElduff still a counsellor?”
He went on,
“And how is The Beast supposed to get parked outside The Fort in Scotch Street for a quick pint of the black stuff after the match when there’s nowhere to park? And by The Beast I mean my big car, not Michelle”, he added hurriedly. “She’s great at parking”.
The President went on to explain his interest not just in the future sovereignty of Scotland but also the potential late afternoon traffic congestion in a small provincial town in Northern Ireland.
“Folks don’t realise I have family background in Tyrone”, he explained. “The popular myth is that I’m from Moneygall which is why I went there in 2011, but actually I have some Tyrone blood too. I just pretended to come from Moneygall because the FBI were too scared to take me to Greencastle. To use a local expression, they said that turning up there could be a ‘right handling’, the likes of which they had never seen before. And don’t forget some of these guys were in Vietnam”.
Obama explained how his cover was nearly blown last time he visited Dungannon in cognito.
“I was wearing my usual disguise as a Kildress man and popped into the library to take some books back. Well of course, thinking it through there’s not many Kildress men who are into reading about Egytian poetry, so the librarian new that something was up. Well, it was either that or the 26 security men that were sitting in the children’s section pretending to read The Gruffalo”.
President has privately vowed to support ‘regime change’ in Dungannon and failing that might just ‘nuke the hell out of it’.