Winner of Dungannon Sports Day 100m sprint in 14.55 seconds

A Dungannon man from the White City area finally ended year-long rumours by admitting he’s not receiving Disability Living Allowance.

Eamonn McNally, who has always refused to limp and regularly makes his own dinner, became the second man from Dungannon to admit not being on the DLA  after Birdy McGuinness revealed he was not receiving any benefit in 2001. McGuinness was forced to leave the town after several hammerings outside The Fort in 2002 by bouncers on crutches. As of October 2015, no woman over 18 from the town has failed to received DLA since the allowance scheme commenced in 1992, with over 78% of Dungannon’s population currently limping.

A neighbour and former friend of McNallys, Josh McCann, revealed he’s seething at the news:

“McNally thinks he’s all smart cos he got a GCSE in Learning For Life and Work (LLW) and won’t get the DLA. There must be something wrong with his head. I’m on the middle band as I need someone to ‘help me with my bodily functions‘. I don’t understand why he doesn’t even go for the bottom band by saying he hasn’t a clue how to make his dinner. After this news gets out, he’ll be on the DLA legit in a couple of days, don’t worry. And it’ll be the top band. His bodily functions will be banjaxed….”

before walking off winking, clenching his fists and making threateningly loud laughing noises.

The defection comes after the controversial Dungannon Sports Day when 14 of the 16 races were won by locals on the highest level of DLA for mobility problems, including Portuguese native Cristiano Hurson who won the 100m on crutches.