Convoy Of Motors Head To Knock As England Progress To Quarter Finals
Priests across the county were said to be rubbing their hands this morning after religious experts predicted a sharp rise in mass-going coinciding with England’s continued success in the World Cup.
In addition, over 300 cars were spotted heading in the direction of Knock as families step up their prayer ratio in the hope that Sweden play the game of their lives on Saturday.
Gortin priest Fr Mossey admitted he was delighted to see England progress last night:
“It makes no difference to me whether they’re praying for bad things to happen or not. I can see takings up £5000 this weekend in my church alone. That’ll pay for the trip to Ibiza, and the maid too.”
Candle sales were up 600% in Cookstown yesterday as families lit them during the penalty shootout and prayed to Our Lady of the Rosary of Chiquinquira in Colombia, to no avail. St Bridget of Sweden is expected to get a quare rattle over the next few days.
Meanwhile a 57-year-old man from Coalisland was chased from the town last night after letting a roar out of him when England scored the final penalty kick. Seamus Kelly admitted he forgot himself after landing a £27.50 bet because of the goal. He is reportedly currently hiding in the Bush Road heading towards Dungannon, ironically in a bush.
Another Blow For BBC NI After Retirement Of Man Who Makes Motorbike Noises For NW200 Coverage
BBC NI are said to be ‘in a state of panic’ after it emerged that the man who makes motorbike sounds for TV coverage when the biking season is at its peak has retired today, leaving the station without a recognised motorbike voice-over.
Mike ‘Vroom Vroom’ Morgan from Cookstown, who has been making bike sounds since 1969, was said to be struggling with the lower-pitched 1000cc engine noises in recent years and producers had voiced fears that he wasn’t changing gears with the extreme precision like when he sounded for the smaller, higher-pitched 125cc races before 2010.
However, his retirement leaves the BBC in a pickle with the North West 200 on the horizon. A BBC insider told us:
“This has knocked us for six. What a lot of people don’t know is that the braaaaaap braaap braap that you hear on the TV isn’t the real noise of a motorbike. That’s Mike Morgan in a studio in Portrush. The real noise of a bike is kahoo-kahoo-kahoo-kaWOOahuhukaWrrrrrooyooyooha-kahoo-kahoo and it doesn’t come across that well on the screen.”
Morgan, who also made galloping noises for the BBC’s coverage for the Grand National from 1967-1999 before he was sacked for a fit of coughing as the leaders went over Beecher’s Brook, has promised to whistle-blow on a few other small jobs he does that he was told to remain secret about, including the sound of the clack of the balls during a snooker match and the sound of animals during Countryfile.
“I’m going to blow this establishment wide open. Did you know that some of the matches in the NI soccer league are attended by no one? I’ve been asked to do crowd sounds for the Saturday results show and they use computer generated images of spectators from matches in Sweden and Azerbaijan. There’s a lot you don’t know.”
Morgan’s autobiography ‘Vroom Vroom around Toome’ is out next month.
Greencastle People May Be Amongst ‘Most Genetically Advanced On Earth’
A report published yesterday by the World Institute of Genetic Studies has said that, contrary to general popular opinion, people from Greencastle may actually be amongst the most intellectually advanced and civilised on the planet.
Professor Wolfgang Schmidt who authored the report, said,
“It’s true. In a bizarre scientific anomaly named the Crockanboy Paradox, it appears that whilst these Greecastle people are high-functioning geniuses, they are painfully shy about it and so hide their astonishing intellect by deliberately behaving shifty and acting the lig, so their massive brainpower never actually reveals itself to us ordinary folk. Incredible”.
However, the report said that Greencastle people occasionally let the façade slip by accident, as confirmed by a secretly recorded conversation between scientists in disguise trying to catch people out, and a Greencastle man who was standing next to a bus stop shouting at some cows. When casually asked if he happened to know the secret of the universe, he responded,
“Eh, what? What do you want? Out of my buckin’ way. The Weakest Link’s starting. Life is an illusion and reality is merely a figment of the imagination hi”. After realising his mistake, he yelled, “Ye pair of feckers. Shift yer arses”,
before hurriedly lapsing into an incoherent rant about socks.
“Quite simply, we cannot understand what it is to be someone from Greencastle, to think like they do, to act like they do”, surmised Schmidt. “While we’re thinking about football or if there’s enough milk in the fridge to last until the weekend, they’re pondering loftier and superior issues like black holes, the infinity of God and those complicated Swedish TV programmes. But it’s when they gather together with their own kind in places like Eddie’s Crossroad, that’s when their exceptional brilliance manifests itself. It’s like an episode of Doctor Who or something. Bloody masterminds, the lot of them. They probably invented gravity in the olden days. And we believe the really smart ones may have perfected time travel, which explains why some of them walk about like they stepped out of the 1970s”.
The report also revealed that Donaghmore people, previously thought to be cultured, refined and sophisticated, actually have fewer chromosomes than the pollen fish, and that in future anyone from Donaghmore wishing to marry from out of the area may have to present a certificate which confirms that they have sub-standard genetic material.
Nudist Beach Planned For Washingbay
Secret documents filed in a filing cabinet in Derrylaughan have revealed that The Washingbay Restoration Committee have commenced discussions aimed at increasing tourism in East Tyrone. One of the most adventurous plans is to create a nudist beach down at the Washingbay, behind the Kevin Barry’s football field.
A committee member who wishes to remain nameless but goes by the name ‘Kennedy’ explained the thinking:
“Years ago, thousands would descend on these shores during the summer from faraway places like France, Bulgaria, America and Glenelly. Then the clergy started shouting about the fumbling going on at night in the cars as romantic couples courted to the backdrop of eels and pollans dancing in the Lough. Before long, the weeds had grown up and the potholes were ruining the lawnmowers. We want to restore the bay to its former beauty with a bit of a twist. Buck naked bathing.”
The first of its kind in Ireland, customers must abide by two rules:
- NO LOOKING AT OTHER PEOPLE FOR MORE THAN FIVE SECONDS
- NO SCRATCHING
Kennedy maintains this initiative could propel the county into the 21st century:
“If you go to America or Sweden, there bes people with nothing on them walking into bars and shops and stuff and no one bats an eyelid. If this goes ahead, Tyrone will be mentioned in the same breath as Los Angeles or Sydney. We just need to get the weeds cut down and drain the lough a little to create a bit more room around the edges. And import sand and perhaps use some of those big heaters you find in beer gardens.”
The approximate cost of a nudist beach runs into £400’000 but Kennedy confirmed he has a promise of half a million pounds from a few local businessmen, clergy and turf dealers if this proposal gets the green light.
Crowd Of O’Neills Turned Away From Swedish Royal Wedding, Then Wreck The Place.
Approximately 300 O’Neills from all over Tyrone were impolitely refused entry to Princess Madeleine’s lavish wedding with New York banker Christopher O’Neill in Stockholm on Saturday. With numerous pleas from the leaders of the different local clans to Swedish police falling on deaf ears, the former powerful dynasty’s descendants drank the city dry before “completely wrecking half of Sweden” according to a British tabloid journalist. One of the O’Neills, Paddy ‘The Ram’, told us:
“It was some handlin. When we heard that boy O’Neill was marrying into the Swedish royal family, we decided to welcome her into the family by surprising King Carl XVI Gustaf and his clan by landing on his doorstep with gifts from Ireland. We brought over a leg of lamb, plum poteen, 3lb of ham, a box of Tayto, The Irish News from all of last week, a DVD of Diarmuid Corr’s Sketchy and a few other bits and bobs. Well, we mightn’t have bothered. Them Swedish police started batoning us outside the church. There was a whole flaying session for the guts of an hour, all caught on the international news channels. Not friendly at all. Should’ve been marrying in Dungannon anyway.”
Swedish officials say the O’Neills ‘just went buck mad’ and drank every bar dry in Stockholm before jumping through hedges, singing songs about Peter Canavan and lying on top of cars. Chief of Police Johanna Johannason admitted:
“Pure animals. What’s all this “yahooing” they do? It was like a scene out of Braveheart. One boy, Peter ‘The Mower’ O’Neill, cycled the whole way to Malmo, full. The bike was so mangled when he got there that locals thought it was a unicycle.”
Christopher O’Neill has since released a statement saying he is not one of the Tyrone O’Neills and is, in fact, London born and bred. Paddy the Ram refuses to buy into this theory:
“Who’s he trying to kid? He has that oul O’Neill head on him. Sort-of pointy at the top and square at the back. Listen, we’ll have him pinting in Mulligan’s before the year is out. The Swedish princesses will love Benburb, the Island, Tullyhogue and slapping the eel soup down them at the Battery. That was only Round 1. Fermanagh has the G8. We’ll have this shower.”
Mixed Reaction In Tyrone To Eurovision Disaster
We were out and about this morning gauging early reactions to last night’s tragedy in Sweden:
“Who ever heard of Denmark, like? They can stick their tin whistle up their hole.” B McElduff, Carrickmore
“Them leather trousers lost it. The lad could hardly move. His lad could hardly move. He should’ve thrown some shapes.” M Gildernew, Aghaloo
“See next year. I’m going to enter and during the last bar I’ll turn around, drop my trousers and have ‘Up Yours Europe’ tattooed on my buttocks. That’ll learn them.” F McGuigan, Ardboe
“Trappatoni OUT!” P Canavan, Ballygawley
“I’ve more buckin points on my licence.” G Cavlan, Dungannon
“That girl didn’t even have any shoes and still won. Embarrassing. We need to send a tramp out next year.” P Donaghy, Moy
“Them boys with the bodhrans should’ve worn shirts. And not played bodhrans.” P Begley, Pomeroy
“One point from the UK? No more Mr Kipling for me.” M Cush, Donaghmore
“We’d still drink them under the table. But they won’t have a Eurovision for that, will they?” J Devlin, Gortin
“The lorry-top parade has been cancelled because of ….poor visibility. Yes, the weather is cat.” Strabane Council
“His teeth were too white. People didn’t believe he was Irish. And the tan? Come on, like.” M O’Neill, Clonoe
“We need to send out Bono, all greased up like, playing the accordion and maybe the girls from Betwitched leaping about him singing about the Sean Quinn thing.” R McMenamin, Dromore