Strabane this morning

Priests across the county were said to be rubbing their hands this morning after religious experts predicted a sharp rise in mass-going coinciding with England’s continued success in the World Cup.

In addition, over 300 cars were spotted heading in the direction of Knock as families step up their prayer ratio in the hope that Sweden play the game of their lives on Saturday.

Gortin priest Fr Mossey admitted he was delighted to see England progress last night:

“It makes no difference to me whether they’re praying for bad things to happen or not. I can see takings up £5000 this weekend in my church alone. That’ll pay for the trip to Ibiza, and the maid too.”

Candle sales were up 600% in Cookstown yesterday as families lit them during the penalty shootout and prayed to Our Lady of the Rosary of Chiquinquira in Colombia, to no avail. St Bridget of Sweden is expected to get a quare rattle over the next few days.

Meanwhile a 57-year-old man from Coalisland was chased from the town last night after letting a roar out of him when England scored the final penalty kick. Seamus Kelly admitted he forgot himself after landing a £27.50 bet because of the goal. He is reportedly currently hiding in the Bush Road heading towards Dungannon, ironically in a bush.