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Greencastle People May Be Amongst ‘Most Genetically Advanced On Earth’

All with Greencastle blood

All with Greencastle blood

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A report published yesterday by the World Institute of Genetic Studies has said that, contrary to general popular opinion, people from Greencastle may actually be amongst the most intellectually advanced and civilised on the planet.

Professor Wolfgang Schmidt who authored the report, said,

“It’s true. In a bizarre scientific anomaly named the Crockanboy Paradox, it appears that whilst these Greecastle people are high-functioning geniuses, they are painfully shy about it and so hide their astonishing intellect by deliberately behaving shifty and acting the lig, so their massive brainpower never actually reveals itself to us ordinary folk. Incredible”.

However, the report said that Greencastle people occasionally let the façade slip by accident, as confirmed by a secretly recorded conversation between scientists in disguise trying to catch people out, and a Greencastle man who was standing next to a bus stop shouting at some cows. When casually asked if he happened to know the secret of the universe, he responded,

“Eh, what? What do you want? Out of my buckin’ way. The Weakest Link’s starting. Life is an illusion and reality is merely a figment of the imagination hi”. After realising his mistake, he yelled, “Ye pair of feckers. Shift yer arses”,

before hurriedly lapsing into an incoherent rant about socks.

“Quite simply, we cannot understand what it is to be someone from Greencastle, to think like they do, to act like they do”, surmised Schmidt. “While we’re thinking about football or if there’s enough milk in the fridge to last until the weekend, they’re pondering loftier and superior issues like black holes, the infinity of God and those complicated Swedish TV programmes. But it’s when they gather together with their own kind in places like Eddie’s Crossroad, that’s when their exceptional brilliance manifests itself. It’s like an episode of Doctor Who or something. Bloody masterminds, the lot of them. They probably invented gravity in the olden days. And we believe the really smart ones may have perfected time travel, which explains why some of them walk about like they stepped out of the 1970s”.

The report also revealed that Donaghmore people, previously thought to be cultured, refined and sophisticated, actually have fewer chromosomes than the pollen fish, and that in future anyone from Donaghmore wishing to marry from out of the area may have to present a certificate which confirms that they have sub-standard genetic material.

20’000 Viewers Tune In For New Tyrone Farmers’ TV Channel. Racy After Midnight.

Derrytresk Digger Drivers

Derrytresk Digger Drivers

Religious leaders across Tyrone were up in arms tonight after a change in the schedule saw programmes like Clonoe Farmers’ Wives come on the new Tyrone Farmers’ TV channel on Sky 899. The much anticipated new TV station saw 20’000 tune in at one stage to watch a special programme on the origins of the Massey 135 followed by ‘How To Bale, Turn and Row a Field In Less Than An Hour’. However, after midnight the airwaves turned blue with three hours of raunchy programmes including ‘Blades on Balers’ and ‘Boilersuit Babes’, sparking furious calls to TV regulators from clergy and other religious ministers who were still up watching channels that far down the schedule.

The Very Reverend Johnny Rogan told OFCOM:

“I’m still shaking. When I turn on the telly at night, I do not expect to see a woman from Brackaville lying all over a Davy Brown wearing nothing but oul holey jeans and and their GAA top, winking at the camera saying things like ‘do yez like me motor lads’ and going over oul talk like that. If I wanted to hear that I’d watch them other channels just after it on the remote control sure, only in an English accent.”

Overall though, producers of the new channel have hailed it a success with other popular programmes like ‘Ewe Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and ‘Top Of The Crops’ pulling in over 10’000 viewers. Chief Executive, Jo-Jo McIlhinney, was delighted despite the midnight criticism:

“All-in-all it was a great debut. Our Jeremy Kyle style chat-show ‘Get Off My Land’ saw over 600 calls from farmers looking to appear on next week’s show to discuss our topics such as ‘access to a rampart’ and ‘how to keep the kitchen from smelling like dung’. I sympathise with Reverend Rogan’s plight but farmers get lonely too. Next week we’ll be catering for our women with ‘Derrytresk Digger Drivers, Bare-Chested’. And best of all, it’s free – after you pay the £90 subscription”.

The Very Reverend Rogan admitted he’d watched ‘Titillating Trillick Tractor Teasers’ as he’s deadly fond of the American Cockshutt Hartparr models.

Tomorrow’s schedule:

8am-10am – Cutting Hay The Augher Way – Scythe Special
10am-12am – The Great Kildress ‘Quare Feed of Spuds’ Bake-Off
12pm-2pm – Spread Or No Spread
2pm-4pm – The Weakest Linkbox
4pm-6pm – Come Milk With Me
6pm-8pm – Emerdale
8pm-10pm – You’ve Been Farmed
10pm-12am – Emerdale
12am-2am – Moortown Maids In Manure
2am-4am – Galbally Guys On Grass
4am-8am Emerdale

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