Pope Francis’ expected trip to Ireland is in jeopardy after Argentina mauled Ireland in the Rugby World Cup today with one leading cleric in the county reportedly telling his mother that ‘he needed be thinking we’ll be waiting on him at the airport’.
Francis, born in Buenos Aires and named Jorge Mario Bergoglio before changing it overnight recently, was allegedly seen jumping up and down and giving the fingers in the Vatican TV room when Ireland’s Madigan missed a penalty in the second half, much to the annoyance of a group of Irish ecological students who had been granted a private audience. Vatican officials confirmed two bodyguards had to evict a Strabane 22-year-old after he became embroiled in verbals and ‘extreme sledging’ with the Pope who reportedly gave as good as he got.
Gerty McCabe, a 54 year old devout Catholic from KIldress, admitted:
“I’ll be giving Mass a miss now for a fortnight. How do ye like them apples, Francis? And it’ll be a long time til I be hanging his picture up again. Canavan’s up on the mantlepiece. I’m sorry Peter for turning my back on you. We can only ask for forgiveness.”
Early reports suggest an off-licence in Dungannon was ransacked immediately after the game and all bottles of Argentinian wine smashed with a message daubed outside reading ‘yer wine is shite, Argentina’. Owner John McCrea lamented:
“Yes, they wrecked my shop. Their wine may be shite, but now it’s in shite.”
Meanwhile a Tyrone GAA backroom team member has been drafted into the Republic of Ireland set-up after they drew Bosnia and Herzegovina in the play-offs for the European Championships. His brief is to find out as much about the girlfriends, wives and mothers of the Bosnian players through social media outlets. A ROI soccer team spokesman added:
“That’s where the Irish rugby team went wrong. This man is meant to be brilliant.”
Beragh has been awash with theories today as to why Bono has apparently moved there with speculation that it’s a charity initiative gone wrong the most probable reason. The U2 frontman has been spotted dandering around the village and country lanes patting children on the head and crying whilst humming sad songs that haven’t been written yet.
Local joiner Paddy Grimes reckons he’s sure why the sun-glassed millionaire has moved to the area:
“The oul eejit thinks this is Bosnia or Baghdad or something like that and is here on some kind of humanitarian mission. Beragh might be finding it tough in this recession but Jaysus it’s not that bad like. The Costcutters have been charging £1.50 for a 2-litre bottle of semi-skimmed but that’s hardly good enough reason for a full scale disaster appeal. I wonder is Sting coming too.”
Others do not share Grimes’ thinking. Paula Agnew thinks it’s a much more sinister development:
“Even the dogs in the street know that Beragh’s the epicentre for dirty diesel, cheap fags and benefit fraud. This Bono boy isn’t behind the door when it comes to financial hoodwinkery and I think he’s crying to sneakily merge himself in to the Beragh culture. I saw him at the Beragh game against Loughmacrory last week and he was watching the corner backs closely. Wouldn’t be surprised if the Dub togs out next week. Can’t be any worse than we have though.”
With the Beragh Manure Matrix on next week, others are suggesting he’s after the pure bred limousine – the prize if anyone can guess where the heifer will dung on the field. Sean Collins is sure he’s sussing out the competition:
“That’s what it is. He’s after the cattle, the bollix. Well, for all his millions he’s still only allowed to pick one square. If he wins fair enough. If not, he can head back to America or Gibraltar after singing maybe two or three songs.”
Bookies are siding with Grimes and believe he’s here to sound out a benefit concert, with Sting, Beyonce, Malachi Cush and Tom Jones joining him for the big day. This morning he was witnessed giving brown money to children playing iPads in the park. The Edge has not been spotted yet.