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Omagh Man To Marry Sat-Nav After Rome Gives Go-Ahead

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A Gortin Road man has been given the green light to tie the knot with Sandra the sat-nav after Vatican officials were satisfied of the genuine love between the pair.

Vivian McVicker (77) admitted he was over the moon to get permission from the Holy See to complete nuptials for what he predicts will be the happiest day of his life on October 21st 2019.

McVicker and Sandra began their 6-year relationship after he installed the device on a 2005 Toyota Corolla he bought at an auction in Cookstown.

Despite many public arguments, the worst when she took him to Aughabrack instead of Sion Mills and he threatened to throw her into the Mourne River, family and friends have revealed it has been a mostly harmonious relationship.

Best man Tommy McVicker added:

“Every Sunday you’d see them heading off to Bundoran or Downings for an outing and him and her talking away. Sometimes he’d lose the bap when she’d go on about doing a u-bend and he’d be shouting at her to give over about u-bends as he’s just stopping for mineral and crisps.”

Local clergymen have warned their congregations that this is not a go-ahead for other farmer-appliance weddings in the future.

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Pope Spotted Wearing Tyrone Jersey In Rome

Pope_Francis_Korea_Haemi_Castle_19_(cropped) copyFollowing on from the news that the Tyrone senior team regularly pray together before big games, it has emerged that the Supreme Pontiff is monitoring the situation and was spotted wearing a Tyrone jersey with ‘McCarron’ on the back of it. 

Sources from inside the Vatican revealed that the Bishop of Rome now considers the Tyrone county team’s run as the greatest thing to happen to religion in Ireland since Pope John Paul II downed a gin and tonic in Cagney’s Bar in Drogheda during his 1979 visit.

Pope Francis’ closest Irish friend, Monsignor McCrory from Dungannon, added:

“He’s Tyrone mad, ever since he heard about the rosary craic. He even hates Armagh now which is a bit problematic seeing that’s the seat of the Primate of All Ireland. Francis has been watching videos of old matches and says his favourite players are Ricey McMenamin and Harry McClure.”

Meanwhile, it has emerged that some fringe Tyrone players are now going to Mass up to 3 times a day in between training in order to force their way onto the starting 15. Sources also claim that Darren McCurry has been saying ‘Amen’ louder than anyone else in recent weeks, hoping for a quarter-final start.

Finally, Ardboe have denied allegations that Kyle Coney was removed from the panel last year for failing to know the Third Glorious Mystery – The Descent of the Holy Spirit. There were claims that Coney thought the 3rd mystery was Hub Hughes’ point in the All Ireland final of 2008.

Clonoe Church Choir Told To Stop Singing In Their Accents By Parish Priest

Clonoe choir practising tonight

Clonoe choir practising tonight

In what some worshippers are calling ‘a wee bit extreme’, Fr Franny Bay has ordered his choir to practise singing traditional hymns using standard received pronunciation and not in a local east Tyrone accent. 

The move comes in the wake of a few high profile visitors to the parish from Rome and in anticipation of more in the coming months. Fr Bay, who attended speech and elocution lessons as a teenager and has been commended for his clear verbal skills on recent TV and radio appearances, has warned his choir that he’ll personally sack any singers who continue to use local pronunciation.

He added during his homily:

“That man from Rome can speak English better than me but he couldn’t make head nor tail of the singing. He even asked me if they were singing in Irish. I told him they were but heard my own confession as soon as he left. In ‘Take Our Bread, We Ask You‘ it’s not ‘tick air bread, wa ass ye‘. No wonder Fr Pablo was confused. I’ll be visiting your homes over the next week for spot-checks’.

Fr Bay extended his advice to the rest of the non-singing congregation, recommending they watch more shows on BBC1, especially the news or documentaries:

“When Fr Pablo reached the church this morning, an elderly parishioner who shall remain nameless shook his hand and asked him, ‘Do ye spake the english, Farr?’. The poor Father thought he’d arrived in South America or Africa. I’ll never get promoted to the bishopric if the Holy See come here to inspect me and are greeted by you lot. Buck up your ideas, people. An award for me is an award for you.”

Meanwhile, the Clonoe’s priests have thanked worshippers for last week’s collection of £788 which will go towards a well deserved holiday in Ibiza for the three of them.

Newmills Mechanic Nearly The Dearest In Europe

old-man-laughingBy Aughoughilley Schniffles

 

It has been revealed in recent EU cost comparison analysis that a mechanic inNewmills has the second most expensive per hourly rate in Europe, coming behind only a Ferrari garage in Rome.

Dunlop changing oil filters

Dunlop changing oil filters

 

Sammy ‘Wolfetone’ Dunlop has brushed aside any criticism of high prices laid at his door, blaming “local pressures” on his hugely excessive prices.
 
He told Tyrone Tribulations
 
“Luck-see, there’s a rake of reasons why we need till charge like we do. First you have the dippers about this time of year. They love a bit of overtime in the long evenings. Sure ’cause of the manoeuvres taken to avoid the dippers, we see all sorts through the gates here; new gear boxes, new engines, not to mention fuel filters!  That wee Lithuanian lad has been changing one an hour this last week- haven’t ye Dmitri?.”
 
Dunlop has been fixing cars in the area for over thirty years and has defended his pricing saying that people still come to him for business despite his £99 emergency fee, just for calling between Monday and Friday. His continuing business success is partly thought to be because other mechanics in the area have five-week waiting times, so it’s either ‘Wolfetone’s or walk’, as they say around Newmills.
 
‘Wolfetone’ went on:
 
“Yous boys come here talking about me being dear an all that – sure you just have till look at the bonfires, and the tyres that get used up there, hi. Sure coming up to the twelfth and between now and Halloween you couldn’t keep a tyre about the place for love nor… well, just for love.”
 
When asked about the raffle for the signed Eddie Irvine T-shirt and race balaclava set which has been running in his shop since 1996, some 18 years ago, Dunlop declined to comment.
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