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‘The Little Book Of Derrytresk’ Not Selling Well

p646_1Following the phenomenal success of Cathal Coyle’s The Little Book of Tyrone, a Derrytresk entrepreneur has admitted his attempt to cash in on the idea with a local book hasn’t been successful after a month of trading amidst claims of lies and extortion.

The Little Book of Derrytresk was penned by Pat ‘Jam’ O’Neill and retails at the surprising sum of £19.99 despite being only 14 pages long. Local historian and literary critic Jemmy Hanna was not impressed by the publication:

“A score is a bit too much for just over a dozen pages. 8 pages are given over to the Dromid game a couple of years ago and most of that is just pictures of handbags that were possibly used in the attack on Declan O’Sullivan. He’s ripping the arse out of it at that price. The Little Book of Tyrone is brilliant. This one is….middlin.”

Hanna was also critical at the section labelled ‘Famous Sons of Derrytresk’:

“Jam is just making stuff up now to pad the thing out. He says Tom Cruise, Elvis Presley, JFK, Napoleon, Wolfe Tone and Moses can all be traced back to Derrytresk through their DNA. I’m very dubious about this. I do know that Foster and Allen drove past The Hill on the way to a concert in Edendork but that’s as good as it gets.”

Jam O’Neill rebuffed all complaints, issuing the following statement:

“People hate to see you doing well. It took me two full weeks to compile this comprehensive history of my homeland, and £20 is about right. There’s women here that would spend that amount on sun beds and nail brushes. Feck yiz all. We can’t all be Cathal Coyle and him backed by millionaires from America. “

The Little Book of Tyrone can be purchased at many local outlets or here. The Little Book of Derrytresk has been withdrawn from the same outlets.

Newmills Mechanic Nearly The Dearest In Europe

old-man-laughingBy Aughoughilley Schniffles

 

It has been revealed in recent EU cost comparison analysis that a mechanic inNewmills has the second most expensive per hourly rate in Europe, coming behind only a Ferrari garage in Rome.

Dunlop changing oil filters

Dunlop changing oil filters

 

Sammy ‘Wolfetone’ Dunlop has brushed aside any criticism of high prices laid at his door, blaming “local pressures” on his hugely excessive prices.
 
He told Tyrone Tribulations
 
“Luck-see, there’s a rake of reasons why we need till charge like we do. First you have the dippers about this time of year. They love a bit of overtime in the long evenings. Sure ’cause of the manoeuvres taken to avoid the dippers, we see all sorts through the gates here; new gear boxes, new engines, not to mention fuel filters!  That wee Lithuanian lad has been changing one an hour this last week- haven’t ye Dmitri?.”
 
Dunlop has been fixing cars in the area for over thirty years and has defended his pricing saying that people still come to him for business despite his £99 emergency fee, just for calling between Monday and Friday. His continuing business success is partly thought to be because other mechanics in the area have five-week waiting times, so it’s either ‘Wolfetone’s or walk’, as they say around Newmills.
 
‘Wolfetone’ went on:
 
“Yous boys come here talking about me being dear an all that – sure you just have till look at the bonfires, and the tyres that get used up there, hi. Sure coming up to the twelfth and between now and Halloween you couldn’t keep a tyre about the place for love nor… well, just for love.”
 
When asked about the raffle for the signed Eddie Irvine T-shirt and race balaclava set which has been running in his shop since 1996, some 18 years ago, Dunlop declined to comment.
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