The recently discovered Book of Aloysious, which was dug up by a pack of hounds on a beach near the Holy Lands, has confirmed a long-held suspicion that Moses visited Coalisland in search of something around 1300BC.
The 15-line discovery described how Moses passed through the town, stopping for for refreshments and a few fights before heading on to Omagh. In an exclusive, Tyrone Tribulations can publish the passage in its entirety.
BOOK OF ALOYSIOUS:
- And Moses gave his loyal donkey one last kick so to reach what was called the ‘island.
- But donkey died of exhaustion because of the big stone thing on his back and was swiftly devoured by the locals who were a hungry people.
- Moses said onto the ‘islanders “where can thou get a drink and something to ate?”
- The ‘islanders looked at each other and one man, the leader called Sullivan, pointed at the small shop called Landees and Moses was happy.
- Moses entered Landees and hailed a supper of fish and a drink of Lilt but was surprised it cost 500 coins.
- And Moses asked Sullivan if there were any virgins for him to pick and Sullivan laughed and screamed in mock anger ‘Holy Moses, are thou kidding ye bollix?’
- Moses answered “Well then bring me a heifer three years old, a she-goat, three years old, a ram three years old, a turtle dove and a young pigeon”
- And Sullivan gave Moses the finger and said “aye I will, like” and walked off towards his own shop, laughing his head of and saying “Yer man’s pure mental”.
- A man called Lucan of Derryvale disliked Moses because of the turn in his eye and began to fight him with a sword but Moses was a great fighter and and Moses reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into Lucan of Derryvale’s belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out.
- And Moses said to bystanders “yiz’ll get the same treatment yiz shower a savages” and flashed his enormous testicles. And Mrs Lucan the new widow of Derryvale smiled. And Moses lifted the big stone thing he was carrying.
- Moses devoured his supper of fish and his drink of Lilt and made for the off-licence through a dangerous maze of donkeys because, in the ‘Island, donkeys could park anywhere.
- And Moses saw a man hanging from a light and asked a resident “Who hangs there?”
- A man with little teeth from the lowlands told him it was a donkey warden and that he was the three score and ten donkey warden to hang that week. And there was much mirth from the locals when thus was said.
- Moses purchased 4 bottles of vodka and a box of beef Mini Chips and walked towards the hill of Brackaville but not before fighting another one of the Lucans and he cursed the ‘Islanders and God sent 40 bears from Gortgonis and they starting fighting the ‘Islanders but the ‘Islanders were expert snipers and defeated the bears.
- And Moses ran like mad up towards Brackaville with his big stone, never to speak of the ‘Islanders again.
Following the phenomenal success of Cathal Coyle’s The Little Book of Tyrone, a Derrytresk entrepreneur has admitted his attempt to cash in on the idea with a local book hasn’t been successful after a month of trading amidst claims of lies and extortion.
The Little Book of Derrytresk was penned by Pat ‘Jam’ O’Neill and retails at the surprising sum of £19.99 despite being only 14 pages long. Local historian and literary critic Jemmy Hanna was not impressed by the publication:
“A score is a bit too much for just over a dozen pages. 8 pages are given over to the Dromid game a couple of years ago and most of that is just pictures of handbags that were possibly used in the attack on Declan O’Sullivan. He’s ripping the arse out of it at that price. The Little Book of Tyrone is brilliant. This one is….middlin.”
Hanna was also critical at the section labelled ‘Famous Sons of Derrytresk’:
“Jam is just making stuff up now to pad the thing out. He says Tom Cruise, Elvis Presley, JFK, Napoleon, Wolfe Tone and Moses can all be traced back to Derrytresk through their DNA. I’m very dubious about this. I do know that Foster and Allen drove past The Hill on the way to a concert in Edendork but that’s as good as it gets.”
Jam O’Neill rebuffed all complaints, issuing the following statement:
“People hate to see you doing well. It took me two full weeks to compile this comprehensive history of my homeland, and £20 is about right. There’s women here that would spend that amount on sun beds and nail brushes. Feck yiz all. We can’t all be Cathal Coyle and him backed by millionaires from America. “
The Little Book of Tyrone can be purchased at many local outlets or here. The Little Book of Derrytresk has been withdrawn from the same outlets.
Results of the recently published 2011 census have produced some surprising results, including the finding of a previously undiscovered village just outside Omagh.
Largybeg, just two miles east of Omagh, is thought to have lain undiscovered since the dark ages until census takers happened upon the 200-strong village two years ago. Local man Ezekial O’Neill, a 54-year old wizard, was very philosophical.
“Yep, turns out we’ve spent the last five centuries worshipping Sperrin, god of the pollan fish and patron saint of the hot cross bun, when we should in fact have been worshipping this other god. Canavan I think his name is. We feel tara embarrassed.”
“We’ve come a long way you know”, said Barabas McGee, a local leper, in defence of the village. “The last time someone was hung drawn and quartered must have been months ago. They just get hung these days. I think it’s great news. All the menfolk I’ve spoken to are really happy and gay about it”.
Others however were concerned at the news that they were 500 years behind everyone else.
“Apparently we now have to stop burning witches, which is mighty craic altogether on a full moon”, complained Moses Donnelly, a latrine pit emptier. “Sure, where’s the harm in that? It’s political correctness gone mad. I remember someone in the village saying they tried to bring us into the modern world a wee while back with this fella who came in spouting all the stuff about the new century and all that. Can’t remember his name. St Patrick I think. We don’t hold with all that new-fangled dung”.
“It’s tara. There’s a clatter of stuff I can’t do now. We’re told there’s laws against cousin-marryin, and you can’t drink until you’re a certain age”, said 7 year old chimney sweep Ezra Coyle. “And how am I supposed to sacrifice a goat on the altar every week if I’m not allowed a knife until I’m 18? Sperrin will go off his bap. Thou had better believe it”.
Since being discovered, many in Largybeg have wasted no time in catching up to the 21st century, with some unfortunate consequences. Last Monday, 26-year old Jebediah Connelly, a part-time minstrel, was given a £20 fine for ‘sexting’, the sending of obscene messages and pictures by mobile phone, after he was caught in Omagh tying rude drawings to an iPhone and hurling it at a female passerby.
Omagh Town Council have pledged to help integrate Largybeg into the local community, as soon as the local outbreak of bubonic plague has subsided. They will play a gaelic football game against Dregish next week.