By Aughohilly Schniffles
An unemployed male from Coalisland is due to appear in Dungannon District Court facing drunken disorderly charges, following a single arrest in the town on Saturday night. It is understood that the charges against the man are in relation to ‘fighting with his own reflection’ in Uncle Sam’s shop window.
Onlookers on the night described how Shane O’Neill, a trainee traditional musical spoons player from the town, left O’Neill’s bar and headed for home muttering to himself when he happened upon his own reflection in the pizza shop window.
Aggravated by the sight of himself uttering nonsense, he angrily blurted “What did you say ya slabber?” and thus began a thirty-four minute deluge of self-deprecation and insults before a single punch was thrown.
“It was a bit like that thing in primary school when you let on you want to fight, but you really don’t. You know, where you have a friend holding you back to make you look all hard… well, it was the same as that, only Shane had no-one else to hold him back, so the start dragged on a bit longer that normal before he punched the glass window…”
Another startled observer told us
“There must have been about 50 ‘naw, you come-ons’ before he opened the shooting with an overhand jab-hook.”
By the time the row had actually started, an estimated crowd of some fifteen thousand people had showed up in the town at 3am, some 12,000 more than turned out for Dennis Taylor’s homecoming in nineteen eighty-something. Some came from as far away as Cappagh, and brought their own sandwiches. We are unable to confirm the figure of fifteen thousand at this stage.
It is understood that O’Neill broke two teeth, injured three knuckles, half his beard, one eye and two ears, and has applied to the Northern Ireland Office for compensation following the fracas. No glass was harmed in the incident
Taking Stephen Nolan’s lead, O’Neill has also threatened legal action against anyone who shared videos of his ordeal on whatsapp or twitter, though this may be particularly hard to enforce, as Donald Trump shared it and got over a million re-tweets.
If anyone has the video footage of the incident, please re-tweet it to @gombeen
A local community leader has labelled today a ‘great day for Moygashel’ after it emerged that the American president Donal Trump did not include them in his ‘shithole’ locations across the world.
The south Tyrone village, which comes from the old Irish for ‘town of the graffiti’, is preparing to launch a 2-day street party in what is being hailed as a ‘new era for area’ by Get Them Oul Til Fook (GTOTF) leader Henrietta Harlot:
“We’ve had a series of bad press over the years due to dubious posters and spray paintings and stuff but this is wonderful news. For a man of that power and prestige to not include us in a list of shitholes is like Christmas all over again. This is just the start of a new era for Moygashel.”
Not all residents agreed with GTOTF’s sentiments with graffiti having already emerged in the village this morning stating ‘We Exist Ye Trumpy Bastid’.
Meanwhile, a decision to start a collection to erect a statue in the village of Trump in honour of his statement regarding shitholes is to be debated today in the carpark of the Dungannon Independent Methodist Church.
The existence of mountains in Pomeroy has been declared as thee classic example of fake news according to sources close to the American President, Donald Trump.
Trump, who compiled a list of traditional fake news stories that particularly annoy him, placed the mystical geographical features of Pomeroy at the top of his list and has threatened anyone singing the song in the USA with an indefinite stay at Guantanamo Bay detention camp.
Felicity Begley, whose ancestors left Ireland for America in the 1930s, explained how she was lifted and sternly warned in a bar in New York three lines into the traditional song.
“I’d only made it as far as ‘when the maid she bound her golden hair‘ before men in sunglasses started talking into their sleeves in corners of the bar and I was pounced on my these big men in black. I was bundled into a tank and driven to some water-boarding centre and threatened with their torture devices if I didn’t remounce Renardine and those mountains. The thing is, I agree with them….there are no buckin mountains in Pomeroy.”
Trump reportedly deliberated long and hard over the Hills Above Drumquin but relented when a Google Maps image showed some semblance of hills in the background.
The American Government are currently looking into why George Sigerson wrote about mountains in Pomeroy in the first place and are considering the theory he was on the books of Bill Clinton’s grandfather who holidayed in Strabane in 1901.
Whist Drives across the county are said to be taking too long ever since the beleaguered Donald Trump became President of the United States of America.
Whist, a classic English trick-taking card game which was widely played in Irish clubs and societies until recently, involves the use of the term ‘trump’ which is the suit chosen by the last-dealt card that will beat all other suits regardless of rank. When two cards are played from the trump suit, the higher card wins the trick.
88-year old whist fanatic Geraldine McGuire from Beragh explained:
“Any time the word trump is mentioned now, you have to listen to grunt and tuts and then people start calling him a bollocks and that America is couped and stuff like that. The thing is, we can’t remember taking about it the last time so it just starts all over again when ‘trump’ comes up in the game. Maybe about 40 times a match. We didn’t get the game finished last night and it was 4am.”
A petition is now underway by a group of whist players in Galbally to get the word trump removed from the game and replaced with ‘deadly’, so that the deadly suit beats all other suits.
“We’re not trying to change the world here. Our generation prefer the word ‘trump’ to describe passing wind from your behind and we’re happy to still call it that, so we are.”
Rumours of fights at the Greater Coalisland Weekly Whist Drive have also been attributed to pro and anti Trump supporters from the surrounding area, with Stewartstown being a particular safe-haven for Trump fans.
Omagh SF Politician Promises To ‘Drain The Swamp’ And ‘Lock Her Up’ If Elected This Year. And Make Omagh Deadly Again.
A Sinn Fein politician has echoed Donald Trump’s mantra of ‘Drain The Swamp’ and ‘Lock Her Up’ and promises, if elected, to make ‘Omagh Deadly Again’.
Paddy McMahon, who recently joined the party after completing a politics degree at Harvard University in Massachusetts in America, has high hopes of topping the West Tyrone poll with his plans to drain the swamp at Healy Park and make it playable 365 days a year.
“I’m going to dig a few trenches and canals to allow gravity to do the work of propelling water down and out of the swamp. No more travelling to the bogs of Carrickmore or Dungannon to fulfill county fixtures. I’ll drain that swamp.”
Tyrone and Omagh GAA have also complained annually about rain affecting the lawnmower used to cut the field in the town, causing erosion of vital parts through rusting.
“I’ve built a small shed around the back of the Gortin Rd goals so I’ll lock her up at night.”
As well as draining the swamp and locking her up, McMahon plans to ‘Make Omagh Deadly Again’. His three-point plan includes capping the volume of Killyclogher people in the town at any one time as well as going around primary schools to convince children that global warming is a fairy tale. He hasn’t thought of the third part yet.
Despite Hilary Clinton pulling out all the stops in Philadelphia last night by having Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi and the Obamas appear on stage in support of her campaign, Donald Trump once again managed to get the upper hand by secretly flying in Hugo Duncan from Strabane to Ohio to sing at his final speech before a gobsmacked 20’000-strong audience.
Duncan (66), whose song ‘Dear God‘ stayed at number one in the Irish charts for 22 weeks in the 70s, wowed the crowd with popular numbers such as ‘Come Down The Mountain Katie Daly‘ and ‘Cottage on the Old Dungannon Road‘. Several US political analysts maintain Duncan’s performance might see Trump over the line in first place. Hank Marvin pointed out:
This was Donald’s trump card, if you pardon the pun. People don’t realise how big Hugo is over here. He’s your Michael Jackson to us. To hear ‘Little Shirt Me Mother Made For Me’ filter across the Ohio air was a memory most of us will take to the grave. Fair play to Trump – he saved his best til last.
A spokesman for Duncan reminded people that this performance in no way endorses Trump but is a reminder that Uncle Hugo is available at the drop of a hat as long as there’s the promise of some buns and cake. Trump’s PR team promised Duncan that American cake slices and sizes of desserts were twice that in Europe, prompting Hugo to jump on a private plane immediately at Carrickfinn Airport with the instructions to put ‘shoe to the burd’ until they reached Ohio.
Duncan’s last appearance in America was at the final election campaign for George W Bush when his rendition of ‘I’ll Take You Home Again Kathleen‘ apparently won the election for the 43rd President of the United States.
Following close analysis of the recent supposed Hillary Clinton health scare, a 61-year old GP from Omagh has declared that the American presidential candidate was probably wrote-off after a day’s drinking in a club or pub, after maybe watching a match or just having a midday blow-out.
Dr Kieran McKernan, who has produced medical reports from Omagh Court for the last 33 years, added:
“I’ve analysed the footage over and over and I can categorically state that Clinton, in my opinion, has probably consumed 5-6 pints of beer as well as maybe three chasers and a cocktail. My experience enables me to pinpoint the exact brands of alcohol. Judging by her collapse from a walking position, she appears to have mixed her pints, alternating between Coors Lite and Budweiser. She has followed 3 of the 6 pints with an Irish whiskey shorts, most likely Powers. And she probably downed a Molotov Cocktail as a ‘one for the road’ to impress her handlers.”
Dr McKernan believes it was mostly likely a 1pm-5pm session, due to his experience defending drunken patrons from Sally’s Bar in Omagh:
“I can tell it wasn’t any later than that as she’d probably have been guzzling down a cheesy chip or chicken balls as she hit the ground and then putting in a claim the next day for the premises having unsafe slabs outside. That’s how I make my living.”
McKernan’s theory is sure to boost the Irish-American vote for the wife of the ex-president and cigar-fanatic Bill Clinton. Insiders claim Donald Trump is waiting on the next publication of popularity polls before deciding whether or not to down a bottle of Buckfast live on TV before starting a fight with his cousin over access to a field, to win back the Boston vote.
Barry McElduff, who has been labelled ‘The Irish Trump’ due to his uncanny ability to maintain an impressive mop of hair, has strengthened his likeness to the American Republican candidate after an insider confirmed he will offer to have a wall built around Pomeroy and make the Pomeranians fork out for the manpower, bricks and mortar, if elected.
McElduff has reportedly hidden a deep resentment of the village since 1980 when he, as a goalkeeper, conceded 16 goals in an under-14 game against Pomeroy, with seven goals scored by his cousin Deirdre. His election manifesto is to include taxing Pomeroy citizens £300 a year each to build the wall which will be managed by McAleer and Rushe.
Pomeroy pensioner Larry Devlin believes the Aghagogan politician must be stopped:
“Him and Trump are some bedfellows. Both mad republicans, the gift of the gab and admittedly eye-candy for the housewives. But the wall idea is one similarity too far. There’s talk that we’ll only be able to leave for hospital emergencies and a one-week summer holiday as long as we remain at least 5 miles from Carrickmore at all times. I just wish Deirdre McElduff had taken it easy that day but we were short of numbers and she’s a fierce competitor.”
Remarkably, some Pomeranians have welcomed McElduff’s plans and revealed they intend to vote for their arch-nemesis. Builder Felix McGeary (39) revealed:
“This wall will take about 18 months to build. That’s a year and a half of solid work if McAleer and Rushe take us on and then add on another six months of normal delays and stuff. I know we’re being taxed in Pomeroy to pay the workers to build this but if we work on it ourselves then we get our money back, so in your face McElduff.”
McElduff will also reportedly promise ‘to take care of women’ in his manifesto although no one was able to explain what he meant by this.
Despite fears from local residents,the plant which will see slurry and silage used to generate electricity near Coalisland will be kick-started by over 300 tonnes of articles penned by Joe Brolly as well as transcriptions from his TV appearances before enough slurry can be collected.
The proposal will see a 500KW digester that will take 10,950 tonnes of silage and 1,450 tonnes of slurry a year. Local scientist Paddy Quinn maintains Joe’s words will have a similar effect as that produced by animal waste:
“We tested over 300 products but the one which shone brightest was Joe Brolly’s thoughts, even more so than Donald Trump’s, Katie Hopkins’ or David Cameron’s. It’s quite remarkable and another string to this incredible fellow’s bow. A 3-minute transcript of a Brolly speech produces the same electricity as 40 tonnes of slurry.”
The development at Ballynakelly will generate enough electricity to power 500 homes and help Northern Ireland meet its renewable energy targets.
The Concerned Residents Committee have urged local politicians to oppose the idea, especially now that the waft of the Dungiven man’s words will fill the air for the first few weeks. In a statement they added:
“The slurry and the silage is bad enough but Brolly’s thoughts are something we’re not prepared to digest, in more ways than one.”
Local farmers have long-admired the fertilising qualities of Brolly’s newspaper articles.
Meanwhile, the PSNI crime prevention team have reminded locals that the new source of electricity should not be used for generators powering outhouses for illegal poitin-making operations or the like.