Mask-wearing by pupils in a comprehensive school in Omagh has almost reached 100% after non-maskers were forced to watch There’s No Place Like Tyrone after school for an hour every day last week.
St Feichin’s on the Gortin Road were worried that a relaxed approach to mask wearing would lead to an explosion of Covid-19 cases in the area and decided to act fast before it was too late.
Principal Lorcan McGlorgan explained:
“Yes it was a problem. However, one of our bright sparks on the senior management came up with the idea of threatening them with compulsory viewing of There’s No Place Like Tyrone whilst wearing a mask for an hour after school. We are now at 99.94% this week. One lad forgot his. We let him off with just 20 mins of the second series.”
Meanwhile, canteen staff in the school have been commended for their delivery of food to pupils in the school whilst maintaining health and safety measures.
Pupils can now eat hot dogs by bringing their own baps and holding them out as the canteen staff fire sausages from 10 feet away into the bap. Last week, 679 out of 711 of the sausages landed spot-on in the baps.
A Clogher man who feared scaring other visitors into thinking that he had the Covid by coughing out loud, eventually soiled himself after holding in the cough for 45 minutes during a period of strict silence in honour of the Trappist Monks.
Fortunately for the young welder, the monks were able to use his defecation to power electricity in the monastery for three days due to a feed of cabbage and spuds he devoured before he left the house that afternoon.
Pious McGlone, 44, admitted to the deed but only because he wanted to spare other observers from worrying that he had the coronavirus:
Yes, it was quite the handlin. I was bursting to cough but didn’t want to ruin other people’s day. I was gagging and wretching after 30 mins trying not to cough but finally let rip after 45. Only it came out the wrong way. I’m just glad I was able to provide the monks with three days of electric by what I produced. A silver lining.
A spokesperson for the monks have thanked McGlone for his gift but added that no more is needed and that this was an exceptional circumstance.
McGlone coughed all the way home after it emerged he had a bit of a chocolate eclair sweet stuck in his throat.