Up to nine pensioners have been told to leave an estate in Tyrone after wild around-the-clock bashes kept neighbours up all night for the last three weeks.
The retired gang, who moved in a month ago and have a combined age of 603, have been accused of blasting out loud music at all hours, including Neil Diamond classics mixed with a rave soundtrack. They were also reported for chucking empty beer bottles at passers-by under the cover of darkness as well as drinking lager from the can during broad daylight in the driveway.
Local neighbourhood watch chairman, Patsy Donnelly, reckoned enough is enough:
“Listen, I like old people but you have to draw a line somewhere. Every morning on my way to work you’d see all these pensioners crashed out sleeping on the lawn or over fences. They are not really setting a good example to our younger generation. It appears to me that they are simply drinking their pension money. It’s a disgrace and they’re not wanted here in Eskra.”
A PSNI spokesman confirmed there have been over 42 complaints made about the elderly trouble-makers, with the majority of claims being made about mass brawling in the house between themselves, often spilling over onto the front garden. Noise decibel levels have also been assessed and despite over a dozen warnings, the sounds of Perry Como and Frank Sinatra have increased in volume.
The house-owner, known simply as Boozy Betty (68), maintains it is another example of discrimination against the elderly:
“This is a load of bollocks. We’re doing nothing wrong. Listen, we haven’t long left so give us a bit of leeway,”
she told us before passing out on the pavement.
The pensioners were last seen heading towards Killeeshil.
The Gortin Pensioners’ Society (GPS) today declared that children nowadays ‘don’t know they’re born’ and recommended that parents adopt a zero tolerance approach to discipline starting tonight at bath time. The 6 month-long study, which included questionnaires and spying through windows, concluded that if things didn’t change then we’d be left with ‘a generation of lazy shites’. GPS chairman Liam Coyle told us:
“I have a grandson of my own and he’s 14. As part of my research, I gave him a broom last week to sweep out the yard. Minutes later I caught him googling ‘how to work a broom’ on his phone. When I was 14 I was out setting ramparts alight, siphoning diesel between motors, holding my grandfather up for him to do his toilet business, reading Latin epics, dancing the Waves of Tory in the garden with my aunties, gathering hay to throw over our beds at night and betting on or participating in organised bare knuckle fighting with cousins – all in one evening. These children don’t know they’re born, whatever that means.”
The study recommended that new measures are to be activated tonight with all Gortin children under the age of 8 to be bathed in a metal tub with a wire brush and some baking soda. Coyle warned of spontaneous spot checks:
“From Saturday night we will be calling in unannounced on random homes in the greater Gortin area. If we find children sitting in rooms playing iPads, DSs, CDs or Skyping, they’ll be ordered out of the house and given a spade with the instructions of digging a hole until we say stop. We have the full backing of the parents.”
Meanwhile Plumbridge Mayoress Kitty Lyons said they’re monitoring the Gortin situation closely and will act swiftly if results are positive in their neighbouring village.
“We need to grab the bull by the horns. There’s no better feeling than giving a lad a skite around the back of the ears for next to nothing – just sort of to let them know you’re older and stronger.”
Chaotic scenes outside parliament buildings at Stormont this morning are being pinned on a group of Moy pensioners who boarded the 8:20 bus to Belfast in order to protest against proposed government taxes on shortbread. A visiting American delegate told CNN he just witnessed the ‘most savage group of elderly people he has ever encountered’ after being caught up in the crossfire as walking sticks, colostomy bags, false teeth and commodes were hurled at politicans from all parties as they made their way to work. Chad Hogan told CNN:
“Aw men, this was epic. I heard a group of yahooing elderly people coming up over the mound. Some were using motorized vehicles to help mobility, travelling at speeds of up to 7mph. They got up as far as the parliament front door before hurling all sorts of archaic instruments at anyone they saw who wore a suit or frock. Urine crashed against the vehicle carrying the First Minister. Awesome. They weren’t streetwise down-town pensioners either. These were real country hicks. They must’ve been aged between 77-90 and I’m told they were wearing Tyrone or Moy vests. One female threw a bag of boiled sweets and a ham sandwich at an SDLP delegation. You know what, they won me over. Lower taxes on shortbread, dudes.”
The First Minister and his Deputy are currently locked in a cupboard just inside the foyer after the Moy terror gang stormed the building, looking for a nice cup of tea and a Rich Tea after their long journey from the Moy. Robinson and McGuinness are said to be contemplating staying in there for the forseeable future or until a few of the rioting elderly keel over. 86-year old Moy woman Henrietta Jordan says they’re going nowhere:
“This is part of a systematic attack on the elderly in and around the Moy. Take shortbread out of our daily lives and all we have is Hugo during the week and Gay Byrne on a Sunday. We’re not in much of a rush home as the bingo isn’t til Wednesday. We will get what we want as soon as one of us remembers why we are here again. You’re a nice young man. What’s my name?”
The PSNI are said to be attempting to lure the aged Moy protesters out of the buildings with the prospect of scones, Christmas cake and a copy of the Ireland’s Own.