It emerged this morning that the last child still believing in ‘The Man’ in Loughmacrory has given up the ghost on the fictional disciplinarian, leaving parents to think of new ways to keep tabs on their children.
Seamus Campbell, a five year old terror from the Ballybrack Road, told his mother this morning to ‘bring it on, big girl’ after she threatened him with ‘The Man’ if he didn’t get his uniform on quickly.
A visibly shaken Mary Campbell confirmed the worst:
“We were aware that our Seamus was the last child in The Lough to still believe in The Man. This is a sad day for the area. The Man was a brilliant psychological tactic to employ over the years. The restaurant here was a peace haven as children sat timidly in case ‘The Man’ would come and shout at them. Bedtime wasn’t a bother as ‘The Man’ would find out and be cross. It was deadly easy raring young uns. I myself lived in fear of The Man anywhere I went, especially at Mass. If I spoke at all, I was told that ‘The Man’ would drag me out by the hair and kick me around the field. Did me no harm.”
It appears that the lack of belief in ‘The Man’ arrived in Loughmacrory around the time that Peter Barry, aged six at the time, was told that ‘The Man’ would give him a clip around the ear if he didn’t stop throwing white bonbons at the Santa during the Christmas Show in the clubrooms. When the rebellious Barry refused to stop and the fictional ‘Man’ never appeared, other youngsters began to cop on to the fact that possibly The Man didn’t exist at all. They all began pelting Santa with Wine Gums.
“Myself and the husband will have to think of something new now. Loughmacrory has gone to the dogs with children running amok at night breaking things and shouting. They’ve no fear now at all. I’ve threatened them with ‘Daddy’ but my four year old just laughed and fired a tuna sandwich at his head. The country’s couped.”
The Loughmacrory Parents’ Association are thinking of hiring some shadowy foreign actor, preferably unshaven with a big scar on his face, to walk around the roads with a scowl on his face, pretending to be The Man. 98% of children in Tattyreagh still believe in ‘The Man’.
The Gortin Pensioners’ Society (GPS) today declared that children nowadays ‘don’t know they’re born’ and recommended that parents adopt a zero tolerance approach to discipline starting tonight at bath time. The 6 month-long study, which included questionnaires and spying through windows, concluded that if things didn’t change then we’d be left with ‘a generation of lazy shites’. GPS chairman Liam Coyle told us:
“I have a grandson of my own and he’s 14. As part of my research, I gave him a broom last week to sweep out the yard. Minutes later I caught him googling ‘how to work a broom’ on his phone. When I was 14 I was out setting ramparts alight, siphoning diesel between motors, holding my grandfather up for him to do his toilet business, reading Latin epics, dancing the Waves of Tory in the garden with my aunties, gathering hay to throw over our beds at night and betting on or participating in organised bare knuckle fighting with cousins – all in one evening. These children don’t know they’re born, whatever that means.”
The study recommended that new measures are to be activated tonight with all Gortin children under the age of 8 to be bathed in a metal tub with a wire brush and some baking soda. Coyle warned of spontaneous spot checks:
“From Saturday night we will be calling in unannounced on random homes in the greater Gortin area. If we find children sitting in rooms playing iPads, DSs, CDs or Skyping, they’ll be ordered out of the house and given a spade with the instructions of digging a hole until we say stop. We have the full backing of the parents.”
Meanwhile Plumbridge Mayoress Kitty Lyons said they’re monitoring the Gortin situation closely and will act swiftly if results are positive in their neighbouring village.
“We need to grab the bull by the horns. There’s no better feeling than giving a lad a skite around the back of the ears for next to nothing – just sort of to let them know you’re older and stronger.”