After receiving advice on how to deal with the decimation of her tomatoes this summer, a Cookstown woman has stumbled upon the unlikely source of her problem by setting up cider traps at night.
Convinced that slugs and snails were devouring her legendary vegetables, a local gardening expert advised Mary McNally to trap the shelled gastropods by using small doses of cider inside bottle tops. It was only when she heard a rustling outside one night that she caught the culprit:
“It was the husband all along. He’d put the gardener up to saying to me about the cider so he could go out and get sloshed in the garden whilst I slept. I looked out one night and there he was, off his head drinking the cider from the bottle tops, singing rebel songs, and, to top it all off, eating the snails himself as well as the tomatoes.”
John McNally admitted to the cider/snail/tomato consumption when caught red-handed and has since added SatNav to his phone so that his wife knows where he is at any given time of the night.
NcNally also denies any wrongdoing in the poor carrot crop this year in his garden despite his wife, suspiciously now, again being told by the same expert gardener to leave beer and dirty magazines beside the carrots to ward off bats and badgers.
Up to nine pensioners have been told to leave an estate in Tyrone after wild around-the-clock bashes kept neighbours up all night for the last three weeks.
The retired gang, who moved in a month ago and have a combined age of 603, have been accused of blasting out loud music at all hours, including Neil Diamond classics mixed with a rave soundtrack. They were also reported for chucking empty beer bottles at passers-by under the cover of darkness as well as drinking lager from the can during broad daylight in the driveway.
Local neighbourhood watch chairman, Patsy Donnelly, reckoned enough is enough:
“Listen, I like old people but you have to draw a line somewhere. Every morning on my way to work you’d see all these pensioners crashed out sleeping on the lawn or over fences. They are not really setting a good example to our younger generation. It appears to me that they are simply drinking their pension money. It’s a disgrace and they’re not wanted here in Eskra.”
A PSNI spokesman confirmed there have been over 42 complaints made about the elderly trouble-makers, with the majority of claims being made about mass brawling in the house between themselves, often spilling over onto the front garden. Noise decibel levels have also been assessed and despite over a dozen warnings, the sounds of Perry Como and Frank Sinatra have increased in volume.
The house-owner, known simply as Boozy Betty (68), maintains it is another example of discrimination against the elderly:
“This is a load of bollocks. We’re doing nothing wrong. Listen, we haven’t long left so give us a bit of leeway,”
she told us before passing out on the pavement.
The pensioners were last seen heading towards Killeeshil.
A group of priests from the Clogher Diocese have been accused of wasting parishioners’ donations after they attended a three-day beer festival in Germany last week. The 20-strong group strenuously maintain the purpose of the visit was simply educational as they were gathering vital info on ‘what young one are into these days‘ and that they also attended Mass every day ‘so it wasn’t all fun and games.’
Fr Hurson, PP of Edendork, attended the weekend and was first to face the press, wearing dark sunglasses and talking rather gruffly:
“I’m shocked and dismayed at these allegations. You can’t accuse us of not being in touch with the younger generation and then as soon as we make an attempt to integrate ourselves we’re castigated for over-indulgence. There was none of that. The lads averaged 10 pints a day and that’s not that bad when you consider we were on the batter from 12pm tip midnight each night.”
Archbishop Devlin, originally from Greencastle, re-endorsed this stance:
“This is a yearly tradition and a valuable insight into modern things. The boys brought home some very interesting observations about the effects of German beer on the mind as well as a few samples for us in the hierarchy. And it must be said, the Germans can make a fine brew.”
Kitty Graham, an avid mass-goer from Tattyreagh, was not convinced of the educational value of such a junket:
“These boys are some craic. I was at mass this morning and one of the culprits, Fr Loughran, was in no fit state to say it. He completely missed out the gospel, make a terrible knock knock joke and was in really bad form with one of the altar boys who sneezed. He seemed badly hungover.”
Clogher official Bishop Farry has cancelled next month’s expedition to Amsterdam.