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By Staff Reporter Darby Gill

Scenes of utter chaos and confusion erupted last Friday night after Seamus “Bullnuts” O’Neill admitted to his close friends that he didn’t know anyone who had died this week in the Dungannon area.

Bullnuts, who was squinting under the discos lights in the front bar of Hagan’s when he made the revelation, has vowed to read the Irish News obituary notices more rigorously in future in order to avoid further embarrassment.

A local of the town for nearly 40 years, his friends were reportedly distraught and disgusted that he had let himself go so badly and was also unable to produce any knowledge of anyone lifted by the PSNI since Easter.

The disgust and torrent of accusations at the time were so raucous that “Rock Me Mama” was turned down and an Irish News was produced to see if O’Neill knew any dead locals at all and how they died.

A kangaroo court was quickly constructed but unfortunately Buller couldn’t identify one name in it, blaming bad lighting and the drink. The final straw was when Seamus confessed that he didn’t even know one person who had a terminal illness and likely to die in the next 5 weeks.

An ex-friend admitted:

“He couldn’t even say who was being waited on. I’ve never seen someone so out of touch with local bereavements and illnesses. This is the backbone of our community. If we didn’t talk about who’d died or was ill, it’d just be football and maybe the weather.”

The bouncers quickly grabbed him and ousted him from the bar before an atmosphere of positivity developed.

He was last seen loitering outside south Tyrone hospital looking into car windows as people arrived.