Ritual on Brackaville Golf Course during the ’99 eclipse

Political and religious leaders were today said to be on red alert on the eve of a near-total solar eclipse after rumours began circulating that a repeat of the 1999 solar eclipse activities around Brackaville and the greater Coalisland area may be on the cards.

Back then, over 200 residents were lifted by police for public nudity, burning of pagan symbols, shouting at clergy and general wrecking about for the entirety of the eclipse. 45 year old lorry mechanic Kevin Carland made the international headlines when he was videoed panicking at the semi-darkness, removing his clothes and running down the Brackaville Road shouting ‘we’re all going to die’ before ordering two pints of stout in the Canal End Bar and kissing women he secretly liked.

Local Independent Councillor Patricia Maguire spent the day reminding people in Brackaville that what happens tomorrow can be explained by studying astronomy and is not a sign from God:

“People need to calm down. Surely everyone can remember from 16 years ago that it passes over in an hour or so. Every time this happens here, people forget themselves and lose their heads completely. It like as if folk here are just looking for any excuse to strip off and go mad, going right back to 1344.”

Maguire’s plea is likely to fall on deaf ears as shopkeepers in the area reported a spike in soap and Vosene shampoo, suggesting many locals are showering tonight in anticipation of baring all tomorrow. Priests, who often bear the brunt of unwarranted abuse during the eclipse, have been advised to stay indoors and not to look directly at lay people.

Meanwhile, Stormont has confirmed there’ll be no claims processed for a loss in solar power during the eclipse for houses using alternative energy.