Locals wait on convoy

A convoy of large lorries with English number plates seen heading towards Dungannon at 6am this morning has added fuel to the rumours that, after this week’s election outcome, the British supreme legislative body is to up roots from London and relocate in the sleepy Dungannon suburb of Moygashel.

The potential new minority government, with a heavy reliance on the co-operation of the DUP, will reportedly direct operations from the village famed for its linen industry and flute band. Early indications show that the former House of Commons will now be located in the Linen Green Retail Park, with The Lingerie Room a possibly buy-out target.

Moygashel Lord Mayor Billy ‘The Slayer’ McCrystal is excited about the prospect of the world’s cameras focused on the village which once boasted six different offensive graffiti messages at the same time:

“Deadly so it is. Teresa May will be made very welcome and I’ll give her a tour of the place. No one has failed to be impressed at the noises and laughs in the Dungannon Independent Methodist Church when the Loyal Sons of Ulster are practising, especially at this time of the year. And the rest of the politicians needn’t worry about them depraved things they do in private…we cater for all that too.”

Although Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has not ruled out opposing the new venue, he has asked that he is located in Coalisland until the next General Election, as he has a few ‘friends’ from there he can call on.

In a bid to create a new 21st century persona, the GAA have already moved on this issue and have asked May to throw the ball in at the start of the upcoming Tyrone/Donegal game, warning players not to mill her before she gets off the pitch. They will not be kissing her ring though.

Moygashel in Irish means ‘boot up the pontiff’s hole’.