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Coalisland Church Opens Off-Licence To Attract More Mass-Goers

1408119458604_wps_1_Beer_drinkers_dressed_as_The off-licence capital of the world, Coalisland, has a new business venture to add to its 323 alcohol outlets after the local church turned its vestry into an off-licence in order to stem falling numbers over recent years.

St Dennis’s Church is believed to be the first to make such a move and has been hailed as ‘an interesting development’ by authorities in the Vatican.

The vestry was discontinued after Coalisland priests were instructed by the bishop to get ready in their cars in future or just wear their ceremonial clothes all the time.

In a press release today, the bishop explained:

“I’m confident that our congregation numbers will thrive, knowing that straight after the Mass has ended they can charge up the aisle, get three bottles of Prosecco for £15 and head home knowing they’ve killed two birds with the one stone. The clergy themselves get 10% off because of the loss of a vestry to change in and look at their phones.”

A dry run last night proved a great success after a month’s mind was attended by just over 3000 church goers, the majority of whom didn’t know the recently deceased at all.

Tomorrow’s special deals include 16 bottles of Peroni for £30 or three cases of Buckfast for £39.99.

Cookstown Woman Arrested For Driving Around McGinn’s Drapery Store On Mobility Scooter, Drinking Prosecco And Eating Quality Street

mobilityA Cookstown hairdresser has pleaded ‘guilty but full of the Christmas spirit’ after she was caught raking around the maternity collection in the fashion-conscious womenswear chain McGinn Drapers, knocking down clothes and spilling Tesco-branded prosecco over a newly-laid carpet.

Aine Fenton, 59, had procured the mobility scooter from the NHS after she tore a cruciate ligament before Christmas during a yoga session at the local leisure centre.

Mrs Fenton’s solicitor was quick to pinpoint his client’s festive high spirits, maintaining she had received over 14 bottles of wine and several boxes of sweets from genuine well-wishers over the Christmas period.

“Are we going to kill Christmas altogether? Although my client understands she was driving the scooter around the store in what could be called a reckless manner and probably shouldn’t have drank a bottle of prosecco during the ordeal, poorly concealing it in her coat, but she was full of festive spirit and even left a trail of Quality Streets around the ground floor.”

Fellow shopper Mary Carey maintains there was much more to Mrs Fenton’s recklessness:

“That woman’s a lunatic. She was shouting at people ‘sure you’ll not fit into that’ and firing hard sweets over the curtain in the changing rooms. Then she started singing ‘Come Out Ye Black and Tans’ which a lot of us of a certain persuasion found rather intimidating. We all enjoy ourselves at Christmas but that doesn’t mean we all go to McGinn’s Drapers and terrorise people on a scooter, full.”

Mrs Fenton was finally arrested after driving into roadworks outside the shop.

Fenton’s case will be heard tomorrow.

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