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Augher Husband In A&E After Putting Quality Street Wrappers Back In Tin Once Too Often

downloadAn Augher librarian is said to be in a stable condition having been attacked with large bars of Toblerone by his wife after putting empty wrappers back into the Quality Street tin despite repeated warnings. 

Conor De Burgh (44) was beaten by four different types of Toblerone bars over a period of three minutes. The assault was so serious that all four bars were said to be inedible unless melted for some kind of dessert.

Mrs De Burgh (61) admitted to the attack but claimed she’d do it again in a heartbeat:

“I’ve warned him for years. And this Christmas I gave nine specific warnings over the course of three days. But he still kept putting empty wrappers back in. He even put wrappers from a Cadbury’s Heroes tin into the Nestle Quality Street one. He’s a monster.”

Police have decided not to arrest Mrs De Burgh and have suggested that her husband attends a course on chocolate eating etiquette. Constable John Morton added that ‘he’s lucky it wasn’t more severe by using two Toblerones at once’.

Meanwhile, a rise in donkeys for presents has seen a marked increase in donkey excrement on the streets of Clogher and Augher. Local community groups have called on all donkey owners to carry around bin liners.

Cookstown Woman Arrested For Driving Around McGinn’s Drapery Store On Mobility Scooter, Drinking Prosecco And Eating Quality Street

mobilityA Cookstown hairdresser has pleaded ‘guilty but full of the Christmas spirit’ after she was caught raking around the maternity collection in the fashion-conscious womenswear chain McGinn Drapers, knocking down clothes and spilling Tesco-branded prosecco over a newly-laid carpet.

Aine Fenton, 59, had procured the mobility scooter from the NHS after she tore a cruciate ligament before Christmas during a yoga session at the local leisure centre.

Mrs Fenton’s solicitor was quick to pinpoint his client’s festive high spirits, maintaining she had received over 14 bottles of wine and several boxes of sweets from genuine well-wishers over the Christmas period.

“Are we going to kill Christmas altogether? Although my client understands she was driving the scooter around the store in what could be called a reckless manner and probably shouldn’t have drank a bottle of prosecco during the ordeal, poorly concealing it in her coat, but she was full of festive spirit and even left a trail of Quality Streets around the ground floor.”

Fellow shopper Mary Carey maintains there was much more to Mrs Fenton’s recklessness:

“That woman’s a lunatic. She was shouting at people ‘sure you’ll not fit into that’ and firing hard sweets over the curtain in the changing rooms. Then she started singing ‘Come Out Ye Black and Tans’ which a lot of us of a certain persuasion found rather intimidating. We all enjoy ourselves at Christmas but that doesn’t mean we all go to McGinn’s Drapers and terrorise people on a scooter, full.”

Mrs Fenton was finally arrested after driving into roadworks outside the shop.

Fenton’s case will be heard tomorrow.

paul g moss

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