An Augher librarian is said to be in a stable condition having been attacked with large bars of Toblerone by his wife after putting empty wrappers back into the Quality Street tin despite repeated warnings. 

Conor De Burgh (44) was beaten by four different types of Toblerone bars over a period of three minutes. The assault was so serious that all four bars were said to be inedible unless melted for some kind of dessert.

Mrs De Burgh (61) admitted to the attack but claimed she’d do it again in a heartbeat:

“I’ve warned him for years. And this Christmas I gave nine specific warnings over the course of three days. But he still kept putting empty wrappers back in. He even put wrappers from a Cadbury’s Heroes tin into the Nestle Quality Street one. He’s a monster.”

Police have decided not to arrest Mrs De Burgh and have suggested that her husband attends a course on chocolate eating etiquette. Constable John Morton added that ‘he’s lucky it wasn’t more severe by using two Toblerones at once’.

Meanwhile, a rise in donkeys for presents has seen a marked increase in donkey excrement on the streets of Clogher and Augher. Local community groups have called on all donkey owners to carry around bin liners.