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Moy Locals Ordered To ‘Do Themselves Up A Bit’ After Moy Park World Cup Announcement

moy_park_1Following the news that the Moy Park brand will be seen by millions at this year’s World Cup, the Tyrone Tourism Board have sent leaflets around every house in the Moy area including Blackwatertown and Benburb, asking them to tidy themselves up a bit ‘for the love of God’.

Henry Bogue, tourism chairman and fashion aficionado, reckons thousands will descend on the Moy in the aftermath of the World Cup to see for themselves how tasty these chickens are in their home town:

“If my calculations are remotely accurate, I forecast we’ll witness Nigerians, Albanians, Canadians, Bolivians and so on arriving by the boatload from July onwards to taste our lovely chickens. It’ll be like people going to Italy for pizza or France for wine. Everyone will be talking about Moy Park at this World Cup and we need to get the message out that we’re not just a place with swings and slides and stuff.”

Bogue maintains the hard work starts now to get the place looking well, starting with the locals:

“We’ve applied for European Funding for free Botox, facial surgery, liposuction and hair implants to be offered to anyone within a 2-mile radius of the village. We’ve also contacted Gok Wan, Loose Women, Ralph Lauren and Donaghmore people to see if they’ll offer some fashion advice to those most in need. Jean dungarees are not the look we want to project across the planet.”

Local footballer Pibil Jordan is adamant they can change:

“We’re up to the challenge. Last week I had a do to go to in Dublin and I washed like mad that morning. People said I looked deadly and my nails were completely clean. If I can do this without funding, imagine how we’ll look with a lock of pounds thrown at us. Anyway, should this not be about Moygashel?”

Meanwhile, Baracuda Fishing Tackle in Dungannon have denied rumours they are to sponsor Man Utd from 2016 onwards.

Pope Warns Garth Brooks ‘No More Concerts In Ireland’

NO MORE CONCERTS!

NO MORE CONCERTS!

Following the news that Garth Brooks has sold out for a fifth night in Ireland this summer, the Vatican have sent a stark warning to Brooks’ PR team that they will take a dim view of any more concerts, which threatens to break the Pope’s record of a 3 million audience in 1979.

Brooks will play to almost half a million fans in July and music experts reckons he could sell out 10 times that if he really wanted to, although today’s statement from Pope Francis has put an end to that idea promptly. A Vatican insider, nicknamed Fr Hurson from Edendork Co Tyrone, told us:

“Yes, we take great pride in the 3 million Pope John Paul II pulled in in 1979. If Brooks thinks he can ride in on his stetson and top that then he’s deluded. Just in case he is a Catholic, we will excommunicate him if he has any more concerts. We have friends in high places, Brooks.”

Fr Hurson continued:

“Like, he’s being a bit of a dick about this. JPII pulled in 300’000 in Galway alone. Let’s see Brooks do that on a cold windy day in Tuam. Some chance. That day, tomorrow or not, will never come. Pope Francis is ripping about this.”

Meanwhile, Derrytresk GAA are confident they can secure the presence of Brooks for the opening of their third Guinness pump in the bar during his stay in the country. Club secretary Hughie Hanna is cocksure of his services:

“We emailed him last week and asked would he come to the Hill for the unveiling of the third Guinness pump in the clubrooms. He hasn’t replied but as my ma used to say ‘no news is good news’ so we’re fairly sure he’ll do it. He’ll get sandwiches and mineral and maybe he’ll hum us a tune or two.”

Following Hot Month, August To Be Cancelled And Replaced With July Again

Sunshine

July, delighted

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Following the success of July as one of the hottest months on record, East Tyrone District Council announced this morning that it has voted to cancel August and replace it with July again.

“With immediate effect, it’s now the 11th of July”, confirmed Dungannon Councillor Liam O’Donoghue. “August simply hasn’t lived up to high expectations set by a wonderful July, and to be honest August’s performance in previous years has been cat. It’s become too complacent. Move over August, there’s a new month in town. July. Again”.

In the tense final vote which was decided by three High Council members, August was given the opportunity to explain why it should be kept in the calendar year, but lost out to July, who impressed the judges with its warmth, consistency, sunny disposition, and staging of Wimbledon. During July, the temperature frequently soared into the mid-20s, winning the vote throughout the county of farmers, families and the homeless. It was also voted ‘Most Popular Month’ by the Tyrone public in a ‘Heat’ Magazine poll.

The news was welcomed by Aughnacloy woman Collette Lowry, a 54 year old zebra handler.

“July’s performance was hot, I have to say. I loved it. It gave a blistering performance right the way through the entire month, and it would definitely get my vote. It came across with real warmth. It’s a winner through and through. August can go and feck”.

For 2013, August will be replaced with July, and then September will follow. August will be given another chance to, in the words of O’Donoghue, ‘redeem itself’, when it will be given a wild-card entry to compete against October in a head-to-head calendar vote-off, this time with a public vote being introduced. If October wins, then August will depart from the 2013 calendar year. The vote will take place in August, or possibly October.

O’Donoghue advised that if the repeated month is a success, the Council hopes to introduce Philomena Begley as one of the judges for 2014, and failing that, David Hasselhoff.

paul g moss

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