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Tyrone wins Gold in new Commonwealth, ‘Drinking, Fighting, Sleeping’ Triathlon Event

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BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

To the cheers of delighted fans a team of Tyrone athletes took to the podium in Glasgow yesterday to accept a gold medal, in one of the newest disciplines to be introduced into the modern Games.

The four-man team, mainly from Drumquin, won the new Triathlon ‘Complete Headcase’ event, which include three key disciplines of: drinking 10 pints of Stella without vomiting; fighting in the street with a minimum of 5 passers-by; and sleeping soundly for at least 12 hours with the volume on a nearby television turned up as high as it can go.

In a nail-biting finish, the Drumquin team initially slipped into second place after having lost a 12-point lead after one of the team, 24-year old Feargal Donaghy, wasted 20 minutes picking a fight with a lamp post he mistook for a very thin, very quiet, man. However, the team showed their mettle by gaining bonus points for putting toasted cheese under the grill and then forgetting all about it until the cooker went on fire. The team also impressed judges with their ability to last the entire event without eating anything than a packet of pork scratching between them.

Drunk Men

Drumquin athletes at the top of their game

“Their dedication to their sport is amazing”, admitted judge Tarquin Pringle from Canada. “I’ve never seen anything like it. Tyrone produce some of the very best nutters in the whole of the Commonwealth. Seeing them lurch onto the podium to collect the gold medal made my heart sing”.

Proud team leader of the squad Patsy Mirren, said,

“Some say that ‘Complete Headcase’ as an event isn’t a ‘proper’ sport. Jaysus, have you ever watched Mountain Biking? My 12-year old nephew could do that. And fighting’s just the same as the boxing or wrestling, except without the leotards”.He continued, “We nearly got disqualified when they found out we were from Drumquin, because they knew we had an unfair advantage. We’ve been training for this for years. Thon Glasgow boyos in particular gave us some run for our money, but we saw them off early doors at the drinking stage. They’d had a big feed of fried Mars Bars before the event and couldn’t keep up the pace. Mighty”.

Reflecting on the win, Donaghy said, “This gold medal is just phenomenal. We can’t wait to get it back to Tyrone and show it around. Some of them pawnshops in Cookstown will be deadly interested”.

The Tyrone Sports Council have already nominated further events for inclusion at the 2018 Games, including Head -Scratching, Diffing, Giving Directions to Strangers, and Breaking Wind.

Following Hot Month, August To Be Cancelled And Replaced With July Again

Sunshine

July, delighted

9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXODBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

Following the success of July as one of the hottest months on record, East Tyrone District Council announced this morning that it has voted to cancel August and replace it with July again.

“With immediate effect, it’s now the 11th of July”, confirmed Dungannon Councillor Liam O’Donoghue. “August simply hasn’t lived up to high expectations set by a wonderful July, and to be honest August’s performance in previous years has been cat. It’s become too complacent. Move over August, there’s a new month in town. July. Again”.

In the tense final vote which was decided by three High Council members, August was given the opportunity to explain why it should be kept in the calendar year, but lost out to July, who impressed the judges with its warmth, consistency, sunny disposition, and staging of Wimbledon. During July, the temperature frequently soared into the mid-20s, winning the vote throughout the county of farmers, families and the homeless. It was also voted ‘Most Popular Month’ by the Tyrone public in a ‘Heat’ Magazine poll.

The news was welcomed by Aughnacloy woman Collette Lowry, a 54 year old zebra handler.

“July’s performance was hot, I have to say. I loved it. It gave a blistering performance right the way through the entire month, and it would definitely get my vote. It came across with real warmth. It’s a winner through and through. August can go and feck”.

For 2013, August will be replaced with July, and then September will follow. August will be given another chance to, in the words of O’Donoghue, ‘redeem itself’, when it will be given a wild-card entry to compete against October in a head-to-head calendar vote-off, this time with a public vote being introduced. If October wins, then August will depart from the 2013 calendar year. The vote will take place in August, or possibly October.

O’Donoghue advised that if the repeated month is a success, the Council hopes to introduce Philomena Begley as one of the judges for 2014, and failing that, David Hasselhoff.

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