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Irish Politicians To Celebrate St Patrick’s Day By Getting The F**k Out Of The Country

 

StPatricksDayNYMar2014_large

UUP in Lebanon

Airports across Ireland are said to be under immense strain as over 200 politicians and their advisors are set to spend the weekend across the globe in order to commemorate St Patrick, who was captured centuries ago by Irish pirates.

 

Although the identity of the pirates are, at best, sketchy, many believe that a sizeable amount of them were from the Sperrin mountains.

Many Sinn Fein, SDLP and Independent councillors have told their local communities to try to sort out their own issues for the next seven weeks as they’ll be in no fit state to deal with potholes or fly-tipping for a few days after their return due to over-indulgence. Some DUP, UUP and TUV politicians were also spotted at various airports although most claim it was just a coincidence, despite one Fermanagh DUP member wearing a ‘Kiss Me Quick, I’m Irish’ t-shirt.

Sinn Fein party member Felimidh O’Fearghail (33) admitted there’s far better craic in Dubai than in the likes of Drumquin over the national holiday:

“Yes, I could stay in Drumquin and watch the horses and Slaughtneil. But, compare that to being a real Irish person in the United Arab Emirates and getting free drink and them women mad after ye. It’s a no-brainer.”

Carrickmore parishioner Colm Gormley (88) admitted he’s worried that his favourite politicians won’t be about for a week:

“What if there’s a sinkhole? Only one man can save us but McElduff will be doing the Waves of Tory in Morrocco. It’s a frightening time for our parishioners.”

Nigel Dodds’ PR team have denied reports he’s already in Brazil dressed as a leprechaun and going mad with a hurl.

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Derrytresk Man May Have Been Responsible For Crack In Windsor Park Stand

1942979376a8316590500lA Derrytresk Health and Safety Officer, in his first formal job, appears to have dug a hole with a family spade behind the stand ‘to see what their turf was like’ which led to a large crack forming in the West Stand, affectionately known as ‘The Kop’. 

Fergal Fitzgerald (24), who qualified as a structural engineer last month, was given the task of overseeing a new toilet which was to be built behind the stand after a report in the Belfast Telegraph indicated a rise in weak bladders amongst Ulster men in 2015.

Witnesses suggest Fitzgerald said something about wanting to know if Belfast had ‘good burning turf‘ before digging furiously on his own behind the now-damaged stand with a spade from the boot of his car.

Fitzgerald’s university lecturer, Professor Lingard, maintains he is not surprised with the development:

“Fergal is a very clever man and qualified with a First but has a weakness for turf and peat. For part of his Field Work during his final year at Queen’s University we took his class to Pisa in Italy to examine the Leaning Tower. When my back was turned he started digging with his ‘family spade’ around the tower because he wanted to know what Italian turf was like to burn. He nearly toppled the thing. The Italians weren’t very happy.”

Despite good character references, a Loyalist paramilitary group called ‘We’re Not Brazil We’ll Kill Ye’ issued a statement warning Derrytresk residents to stay away from Windsor Park and that anyone seen in the ground wearing a checked shirt and carrying a spade will be deemed a legitimate target.

Group Of Eglish Farmers Inspired By Commonwealth Games Take Up Rhythmic Gymnastics

A team of three farmers have taken to the gymnastics mat after having been inspired by the efforts of the athletes during the Glasgow Commonwealth Games.

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

The three men, all from the Eglish area, decided to take up rhythmic gymnastics after seeing England Scotland and Wales pick up an impressive 34 medals between them. Since converting part of his hen shed into a ‘state of art’ gymnasium, 38-year old Joe Carson and the team have been learning and perfecting their moves.

The 20-stone bachelor, who specialises in ball and hoop, said,

“Those wemmin doin’ the high kicks and suchlike on the rhythmic gymnastics at the Commonwealth Games was amazin’ hi. In fact, I spent a few afternoons watching it on the telly beating out a rhythm of my own. They’re a class act. That’s why I took it up. And I’m carrying a little bit of holiday weight at the moment so I could probably so with trimming down a wee bit. But if we keep going, who knows, it might be us next year at the Commonwealth Games. It’s in Brazil, right?”

“We’ve still a few problems to sort out”, said 42-year old Francie Boyle, “But we’re working on them. Plunkett Muldoon [who specialises in ball and hoop] tried to leap off the floor to do a mid-air straddle, and he landed with his full weight on top of a whole lock of chickens. His leotard was in a right mess. To be honest, the chickens didn’t look great either”.

The lads. limbering up

The team, limbering up

Boyle also incurred the wrath of the other two members of the team for making a mess of the brand new white gymnast flooring at the Coventry based gymnastics facility they were practicing in on weekends.

“Aye, that’s right”, said a shame-faced Boyle, who most enjoys working with ribbon. “I traipsed slurry all the way over the brand new padded matting when I was trying to get into an arabesque. I suppose I should have taken the wellies off first but I’m a slave to my corns this time of year. And I suppose I need to invest in some proper ribbon. Using blue rope just gets all tangled up”.

The lack of proper equipment has been an ongoing issue following a group practice training session where a mix-up in choreography resulted in Carson nearly getting garroted with a 10-foot length of baler twine when Boyle was attempting a pivot.

The group are also considering commandeering Boyle’s daughter’s paddling pool so that they can take up synchronised swimming.

Brazil Football Team Issued Bold Challenge By Brackaville Under-12s

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shengasBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

A youth football team from Outer Coalisland have challenged the Brazil football team to a game, ‘any time they want, day or night’.

The bold statement came from local boys’ team Brackaville Rockets, just hours after the host nation’s calamitous 7-1 defeat at the hands of Germany at the semi-final of the World Cup earlier this week. The young team have gone so far as to promise to take it easy on Brazil, and that they would even be prepared to give them ‘a 2-nil start’.

 “It’s true”, said team manager and father of one of the players, Danny Suddan. “We sent a fax to Pele asking him to bring the team over here to play our lads. We have a grand stadium in Brackaville with a quality pitch, or at least it will be just as soon as we’ve cleared off all the dung and the burnt-out Nissan Cherry. We’ll show him and them Brazilians a thing or two. Did you watch thon match of theirs against Germany? Our boys have nothing to fear. It’ll be a fair match. As long as they get enough toilet breaks throughout the game and a wee cuddle from their mums from time to time, they’ll have no problems. And our lads will be fine too”.

He went onto provide his own analysis of Brazil’s failure at the hands of Germany.

“If they’re ever going to win the football World Cup they need to stop with the bull fighting and flamencos and suchlike. They’re not focused enough. If they can’t even spell the ‘Brazil’ what hope have they got? They should never have been beat by seven goals. Germany are nothing special. Although I suppose they do have a bit of history destroying countries. If Brazil want to learn some proper lessons about a lacklustre midfield or squandering chances they should speak to our Northern Ireland team while they’re here”.

Suddan has also promised that if the Brazil team agrees to the match, that he would be willing to give Pele, ‘a few wile hints and tips about his bedroom problem’.

Controversy Over Dungannon Traffic Warden Using World Cup Referee ‘Vanishing Spray’

Common sight in Dungannon

Common sight in Dungannon

shengasBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

A Dungannon-based traffic warden has started employing the use of the ‘vanishing spray’ currently being used by referees at the Brazil World Cup, which marks where defenders have to stand during a free kick. The spray disappears after a few minutes.

32-year old Fergus Devine, who courted controversy earlier this year for frequently conducting victory dances around cars to which he had issued parking tickets, began using the spray last Saturday, firstly on cars, and latterly on pedestrians.

 “You see some of them cars edging forward at the lights, waiting for green”, explained an unrepentant Devine. “That’s where my spray comes in, see? If they think they can start moving just because the light changes to amber, they can think on. Drive over my wee white line and they’ll get a ticket slapped on their windscreen pronto”.

Complaints were made not just by drivers but also by pedestrians who have attracted Devine’s attention, including Caledon’s Clodagh Rush, who was accosted by Devine coming out of Lowe Butchers on Dungannon Square on Monday. She explained,

“He stopped me and started spraying my shoes, the clift. Said he was giving me a warning because of ‘dangerous overtaking’ coming out of the shop. All I did was squeeze past Mrs Donnelly who was having trouble managing her zimmer frame and bag of mince at the same time. He made me stand there like an eejit for five minutes until the white stuff went away”.

“Aye, it’s deadly stuff is right”, proclaimed Devine. “There’s too many of them pedestrians eager to jump about the road like they own the place. It’s only me that’s allowed to do that. I’ve had the training. If they don’t want to wait for the wee green man then they risk getting my aerosol all over their tootsies. They’ve been warned”.

Asked where he had procured the spray, Devine said,

“I got it off a pal of a pal who lives in England, Wayne I think his name was. He came back from Brazil with a suitcase full of the stuff. Don’t know what he was doing over there, but apparently he said there was no way he was coming back empty-handed”.

56-year old Fergus Faloon also incurred the wrath of Devine having come out of Dungannon Library ‘without due care and attention’, by walking and eating a Twix at the same time. He now faces a ‘two-booksale ban’ at Dungannon Library, but plans to appeal.

Children ‘Cursing Like Mad’ Today After Dunphy Slip-Up

Omagh lad asking what time it is, today

Omagh lad asking what time it is, today

Following Eamon Dunphy’s four letter word slip-up yesterday live on RTE during their World Cup coverage, parents and teachers across Ulster have reported a rise in bad language today in homes and schools, highlighting the popularity of both football and Eamon Dunphy.

Dunphy, who has since made two apologies for his error, believed the cameras were off air before he offered his opinion on Neymar’s penalty kick for Brazil against Croatia. Headmaster Michael McGlone indicated that it is too late for his class of P6s from Greencastle, at the bottom of the Sperrin Mountains:

“Ah, I know mistakes can happen but Holy Jaysus this morning has been an eye-opener for me in terms of the power and influence TV has over youngster these days. At 8:45am, on his way in to the school, our head boy and chief altar helper said to me ‘Master, I’m hope there’s no fuckin homework today as it’s fuckin hot again out there’. This boy hasn’t cursed since birth.”

It’s not just in the classroom that colourful language has been on the increase, as mother of three Julie O’Neill from Brocagh on the shores of Lough Neagh explained:

“The children were up watching RTE last night as we’re big Mexico fans because we love their food, especially all that taco shit. We paid no heed to the slip-up last night and assumed the children had not heard it. Well, this morning I overhead my two youngest Peter (6) and Mary (5) fuckin and blindin away about the Corn Flakes. I thought two work men were in that kitchen, not my precious angels. Eamon Dunphy, you’re one fuckin bollocks!”

Meanwhile, it has been rumoured that Dunphy will tour Ireland to visit schools to promote ‘Say No To Bad Fuckin Language’ although the tour’s risky title is still under review.

 

Ivory Coast Community In Tyrone Confused

Ivory Coast house brick.

Ivory Coast house brick.

The 25-strong Ivory Coast community, who moved to Dungannon 30 years ago hoping to get work digging for lignite at Lough Neagh in a dig that never started, have admitted they are completely in the dark over a rise in goodwill gestures coupled with hate messages since last week.

Tanya Eboue, who has decked her bungalow from top to bottom in Ivorian flags for the World Cup, explained their confusion:

“It all kicked off when we put up the bunting for the World Cup. Within minutes there were a crowd of skin heads shouting ‘yiz fenian feckers’ and stuff like that. We tried to explain that we were just excited about our lads playing over in Brazil and they started laughing and said something about the ‘Mexican taigs down south’ being useless and not being in Brazil. We’re totally confused.”

Eboue, who runs a hairdressers in Killyman, added:

“Then the priest walked by us and shouted in ‘keep her lit’ and ‘chucky air la’ and was winking and pumping his fist. A Sinn Fein politican brought us cakes and mineral. We’re just a bit dazed by what’s going on. What has changed?”

Dungannon DUP politician, Ken Williams, has called for the Ivorian Prime Minister to step in and change the colours of their national flag as it was causing offence across Northern Ireland. In a heartfelt plea, he asked for common sense to prevail:

“Ivorians should know what that flag represents. It’s irresponsible for them to adopt those colours given what has happened here since 1561. There’s a rumour that the man who designed the flag, Kol Toure, married a girl from the mainly nationalist Carrickmore so there’s more to this than meets the eye.”

The Dungannon Ivorians have pledged to offer anyone offended with their national flag a gift of a copy of the Wolfe Tones’ Greatest Hits which has been No.1 in the Ivory Coast since 2001.

Tyrone Firm In Trouble Over Grass Seed On England’s World Cup Football Pitch

A bit of Dromore in Brazil

A bit of Dromore in Brazil

shengasBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

A firm in Dromore was yesterday accused of supplying low quality grass seed to the ground-staff at Brazil’s Arena da Amazonia football ground, where the England football team will commence their World Cup campaign.

Pictures released yesterday showed the pitch looking brown, dry and sandy, after having apparently applied fertiliser which was supplied by Seamie O’Donnell of Dromore Agricultural Supplies.

The England Manager, Roy Hodgson, fumed:

“The pitch is an absolute disgrace. It’s not fit even for growing potatoes, never mind staging a world-class event. How can the nation expect us to squander chances and needlessly give away possession every few minutes if we’re playing on a sub-standard surface? I have every intention of taking the issue up directly with this man O’Donnell, just as soon as we’ve played our three games and get back to the UK a week on Wednesday”.

The product, called ‘Dromore Gro-More’, packaged and distributed in O’Donnell’s premises on Clanabogan Road, provides instructions which read, ‘Simply sprinkle your seed all over the grass, stand back and watch! Deadly! Before your very eyes a lush and verdant landscape will appear – perfect for barbeques, cattle, diffing, and international
sporting competitions watched by millions. Easy to use, with no need to lock up pets or put the wee’ans in the house when you’re using it. Apply wearing a gas mask and separate oxygen supply’.

An irate O’Donnell was, however, quick to respond.

“That Hodgson’s got a damned cheek”, he said angrily. “No good for potatoes? Why is he going to have Wayne Rooney playing on it then? You could mistake that boy for a Maris Piper any day of the week. My grass feed is the best in the business”.

However, sources near Dungannon have suggested that the ‘high quality bio-stimulants’ that O’Donnell purports to use for the feed are actually just bags of sand that O’Donnell lifted from the beach at Bundoran at Easter.

Meanwhile, officials in Brazil this morning confirmed that in desperation groundsmen are applying a coat of green ‘paint’ to the pitch, which was apparently supplied ‘on the cheap’ by a firm in Clonoe.

World Cup Widows Prepare For Month Of Shouting Matches

Typical World Cup scene across the county

Typical World Cup scene across the county

Women across the county are ramping up their shouting techniques as men get ready for a month of doing nothing around the house.

The 2014 World Cup, which kicks off on Thursday, will see all matches played after 5pm, meaning very few man-jobs will be completed around houses after work. Cathy Traynor, an events manager from Cappagh, is confident she is fully prepared for the month ahead:

“Yes, a few of us met up last night to put the finishing touches on our roaring sessions. I learnt a few new phrases like ‘get up off yer feckin arse ye lazy oul balax’ that’ll come in handy around the second week and all the light bulbs need changing.”

Leaflets have been distributed amongst women in Galbally, instructing them on leaving out bins and kicking car tyres to see if they’re OK. Recently elected Independent councillor for Kildress, Leo McHudd, is worried about the local livestock:

“I’m slightly concerned that animals will be left to roam the lands for four weeks. That encourages inter-species breeding and that’s the last thing we need after the half-sheep half-pig fiasco of four years ago. We didn’t know whether to eat or shear the thing.”

Patsy Mackle from Blackwatertown admitted he’s fairly excited at the month ahead:

“I buckin hate soccer but I’ll be glued to the TV. I means I don’t have to lift down boxes from the attic or plumb the kitchen pipes. I do start to smell a bit after a few days but sure I’ll just stick the head out when it’s lashing down.”

Meanwhile, Tyrone have adopted Iran as their team of choice as they also live beside dodgy enough neighbours.

Edendork Pipe Band To Open 2014 World Cup

Edendork man celebrates news

Edendork man celebrates news

Tyrone is to be firmly put on the world map after Edendork Pipe Band received confirmation that they’ll parade Brazil and Croatia around the field in Sao Paulo at the opening game in the 2014 World Cup.

Pipe Major Jemmy O’Neill wasn’t overly surprised at the news:

“When we applied we had a fair idea we’d get the nod. I know there were 69’000 bands who applied from all over the world but I think when they saw a video of us parading the Ladies Football teams of Carrickmore and Coalisland around the Brackaville field last month they knew they were on to a good thing.”

O’Neill is adamant that locals will dig deep to raise the £150’000 needed to fly the entire band, instruments, WAGS and husbands over next June:

“I’m sure we’ll raise the money no bother. For the next 6 months we’ll have a man standing outside the entrance to Tyrone Brick with an empty Quality Street so drivers can slow down and toss in coppers and loose change. We’ll also be selling ballots around houses around Christmas. Tickets cost £100 and you can win a lifetime’s supply of bricks from what was left in the old factory.”

This is not the first time a Tyrone band has performed at a major sporting event. In 1984, Cloughfin played The Star Spangled Banner for Carl Lewis at his medal ceremony for the 100m during the Los Angeles Olympics. O’Neill reckons they’ll learn from Cloughfin’s experience:

“I was a member of Cloughfin and we never forgot they way we were treated. Not one sandwich was laid on after our performance. Not one. They thought the £80’000 fee would sweeten us but all we wanted were corned beef sandwiches. Eff Los Angeles we said. This time we’re taking no chances and bringing half a million sandwiches with us.”

O’Neill now becomes the first man to play at the World Cup, Olympics and the Tyrone Ladies Final.

Coalisland Christmas Investment To Be All Spent On Deadly Tree

Works has started already

Works has started already

Coalisland will be the envy of the world this year after a secret Christmas committee finally decided to spend the recent windfall on a deadly tree.

The news that £15’000 would be spent on decorating Coalisland this Christmas had set tongues wagging for weeks as to what it will be spent on. In order to tap into the excitement, Coalisland council ran a competition asking residents to put their ideas into a suggestion box outside Sullivan’s on the Main Street. The closing date showed that 400 suggestions had been made with the top five listed below:

  • A new mural but with Santa in a balaclava
  • Flashing balls all over the place
  • A big line of tinsel on the electric wires running from Edendork to Clonoe
  • A deadly tree
  • Spend the money on bacon soap for everyone

Coalisland independent councillor Pat Campbell was impressed at the wide range of ideas:

“There were some brilliant bits of thinking in Coalisland. Unfortunately we just had to turn down most to appease some groups like the NASA, RSPCA or the UN. One I liked was to decorate all animals like cows and dogs with glittery bells, balls, stars and all that stuff. We decided to pump the whole £15’000 into a deadly tree  to be placed inside the Cornmill with a hole cut in the roof for it to stick out. It’ll be about 300 foot tall and we’ll get it from Brazil.”

Our investigations showed that £12’000 will be spent on transport from South America, £2000 on decorations, £500 for John Stokes for the loan of his truck and £500 on cocktail sausages for the opening.

The next big question is who will turn on the lights with local bookies offering mouth-watering options:

  • Dennis Taylor 2/1f
  • Harry Potter 7/2
  • Harry McClure 4/1
  • Obama 5/1
  • Michael Jackson 6/1
  • Malachi Cush 6/1
  • One of the Spice Girls 8/1
  • Ronan McSherry 33/1
  • The Clonoe captain 50/1
  • A PSNI official 100/1
  • A traffic warden 1000/1
  • Joe Brolly 10’000-1

Stewartstown Issues Sort-Of Nuclear Threat To World

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Thousands of caps ready to be unleashed on Brackaville

The sprawling village of Stewartstown, where no one has emigrated from or immigrated to since 1979, has decided to flex its international muscle and issue a sort-of nuclear threat to the rest of the world that they’ll be ‘taking no more shit’ from today onwards. Unfortunately nicknamed ‘tintown’, after it was revealed in 1948 that labourers wrap everything in tinfoil from their lunch to their tools, residents have decided that now was the time to reveal the arsenal of weapons they have been stockpiling since 1969 when they struck up a deal with the Russians.

Lord Mayor Cal Coyle announced during a hastily-arranged press conference outside the Credit Union:

“Yes, that’s right lads and lassies. We’re the bucking big boys now. We have shedfuls of Spanish fireworks, caps for Chinese toy guns, French bangers and Brazilian sparklers. Buckets of the stuff. Underground bunkers, hideouts in rural areas – you name it. Let the message be loud and clear – one more online reference to tintown or any other derogatory reference to Stewartstown and this planet is going to experience the Armageddon. Starting with Portugal or New Zealand maybe. We might give Brackaville a rattle first, like as a test drive.”

Flanked by 7 men and 3 women all wearing welding masks as disguise, Coyle was asked what sparked the declaration of war on the world at this particular time:

“I was reading something on boards.ie yesterday regarding weeding lawns and someone said something about ‘Stewartstown a.k.a. Tintown’. That was the straw that broke the donkey’s back. Then there’s them North Koreans, the Pakistanis, the Yanks, the Russians, the Chinese and the Iranis all boasting away about their nuclear capabilities. Well, try counteracting 5000 loop-the-loop fireworks being dropped on you from about 1200 feet. One of our lads recently got a provisional pilot’s licence and we know we can hire a small 2-seater from Newtownards. Just push our buttons one more time. ONE MORE TIME.”

The UN have confirmed they are taking this threat seriously but will wait to see if it’s just a result of nerves before the Intermediate quarter final against Brackaville that has sparked today’s declaration.

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