Coalisland will be the envy of the world this year after a secret Christmas committee finally decided to spend the recent windfall on a deadly tree.
The news that £15’000 would be spent on decorating Coalisland this Christmas had set tongues wagging for weeks as to what it will be spent on. In order to tap into the excitement, Coalisland council ran a competition asking residents to put their ideas into a suggestion box outside Sullivan’s on the Main Street. The closing date showed that 400 suggestions had been made with the top five listed below:
- A new mural but with Santa in a balaclava
- Flashing balls all over the place
- A big line of tinsel on the electric wires running from Edendork to Clonoe
- A deadly tree
- Spend the money on bacon soap for everyone
Coalisland independent councillor Pat Campbell was impressed at the wide range of ideas:
“There were some brilliant bits of thinking in Coalisland. Unfortunately we just had to turn down most to appease some groups like the NASA, RSPCA or the UN. One I liked was to decorate all animals like cows and dogs with glittery bells, balls, stars and all that stuff. We decided to pump the whole £15’000 into a deadly tree to be placed inside the Cornmill with a hole cut in the roof for it to stick out. It’ll be about 300 foot tall and we’ll get it from Brazil.”
Our investigations showed that £12’000 will be spent on transport from South America, £2000 on decorations, £500 for John Stokes for the loan of his truck and £500 on cocktail sausages for the opening.
The next big question is who will turn on the lights with local bookies offering mouth-watering options:
- Dennis Taylor 2/1f
- Harry Potter 7/2
- Harry McClure 4/1
- Obama 5/1
- Michael Jackson 6/1
- Malachi Cush 6/1
- One of the Spice Girls 8/1
- Ronan McSherry 33/1
- The Clonoe captain 50/1
- A PSNI official 100/1
- A traffic warden 1000/1
- Joe Brolly 10’000-1
Louis Walsh has stunned the Clonoe community and in particular songwriter Packie Taggart after he publicly criticised their ‘Fields Of Old Clonoe’ on BBC Radio this morning, calling it ‘old-fashioned’, ‘dung’ and ‘a rip-off’. The recently penned song, written for their appearance in the Tyrone County Final this weekend, has been labelled suspiciously similar to the lyrics and sound of ‘The Fields Of Athenry’:
By the side of Tessie’s wall I heard Cassidy calling
Mickey Harte, you may stay away
For you stole McAliskey on me
You’ll not be getting young Paul Coney.
Now keep on drivin til you’re at the Washingbay.
Low lie the fields of Old Clonoe
For we’re only about 5 miles from Ardboe
We used to have Prince McCabe
And big McClure with his hands like spades
We’ll be dancing when the cup is in Clonoe
Packie Taggart, 99-year old a retired livestock castrator, jumped to the defence of his song.
“It sounds nothing like Athenry. Sure that’s about a man stealing corn and being sent til Australia. My song is about the prospect of Harte stealing our lads to play for the county. No similarities at all. And the beauty of my song is that, unlike Athenry, I promote the majesty of Ardboe and Washingbay. This Louis Walsh boy can go buck himself.”
Walsh was critical of the subject matter as well as the fact that it is only two verses:
“The song will need to be played on loop as it’s over in 40 seconds. Also, was McClure really that big? In time, they’ll be saying he was 7 foot tall, wait til ye see. I heard he wasn’t deadly at shovelling or digging anyway.”
We’ll have full coverage tomorrow as Carrickmore release their song.