Coalisland Fianna Launch New Jersey Competition
Following on from the innovative idea by the League of Ireland Bohemians soccer club to have an image of Bob Marley on their jerseys, Coalisland Fianna have decided to follow suit and launch a series of potential jerseys for their 2019 campaign.
Although Bohemians have shelved their idea because of image rights, the Fianna club have promised to overcome any potential legal issues by contacting anyone they use on their jersey by email or by even phoning them.
One of the favourites to win the competition is the use of 1985 World Champion and ex-Fianna player Dennis Taylor on the front of the jersey. Dennis recently was guest on a Malachi Cush programme when he tried to remember good times living in Coalisland before he left at 17 years of age. He eventually recalled Edendork bingo hall and started dancing and singing.
The other two candidates for the 2019 Coalisland jersey are a fresh fish supper out of the world-renowned Landi’s and the much beloved traditional Coalisland parking techniques which have been a topic of controversy but a source of local pride for centuries.
Local historian Kitty McGranaghan, who once chased a traffic warden as far as Brackaville by foot, admitted it’s a tough choice on deciding between the three:
“I think if you ask anyone about Coalisland, the three things they’ll talk about is the parking, fish suppers and Dennis Taylor. It’s a pity we have to choose one. My idea would have been to put all three on the jersey.”
Voters have been given up to Christmas Eve to vote on their choice of the three entrants.
Coalisland Traffic Warden Able To Retire On Substantial Danger Money
The sight of a parking attendant at Coalisland may have been a one-off as it emerged that the warden in question was able to retire from his job after receiving a six-figure ‘hazardous pay’ lump sum for his task.
The warden, the first traffic official to appear in Coalisland since the 1985 Dennis Taylor’s homecoming party, was spotted at the George Best airport today flying off to Ibiza under a new identity.
A spokesperson for the Department of Infrastructure informed us:
He is the bravest man I know. Six men had already attempted the mission over the last 18 months but got as far as the Tamnamore M1 roundabout and pulled out. Mr X, as we call him, not only made it to Coalisland, but got out of his car in his official red coat and a book and pen. He’s a hero.
The DoI also revealed Mr X’s findings and intend seeking advice on the way to process his recommendations:
Mr X found that Coalisland works best when no law is adhered to. If, for example, people started to use the roundabout the way it is meant to be then it could cause untold carnage. Drivers in the town know that cars are going to tramp straight over the top of it and make necessary precautions for that.
Mr X maintains the zebra crossing in the town is now defunct and to implement proper usage of it would lead to great confusion. He witnessed an old day being verbally abused by motorists for legally using the zebra crossing, with many labelling her a ‘jay-walkin oul hoor’.
Giro d’Italia Cyclist Receives Coalisland’s First Parking Ticket
An Italian cyclist, who arrived in Ireland this week to attempt a dry run of the Irish leg of Giro d’Italia later in the year, became the unlucky recipient of Coalisland’s first parking ticket during a shopping trip in the town today.
Giovanni Sherri (28) was told by the warden that his bike was badly parked up against a wall outside Dorman’s Pharmacy and was issued with a £60 on the spot fine as well as a verbal warning about future conduct by warden Joe Quinn from the town himself.
Bystander and local man Kieran Corr (64) saw the whole incident pan out:
“I had just been saying to myself that the bike was badly parked. It had only the handlebar against the wall, instead of both wheels and the seat too. It was an accident waiting to happen. Thank God that traffic warden appeared out of nowhere and saved the day. We in Coalisland pride ourselves on our perfect parking tradition. How would he like it if we went to Italy and made spaghetti out of bits of string? Local customs must be upheld.”
Corr refuted suggestions that a spoof warden was used to get the media off their backs due to their suspiciously clear record. There were also reports of the warden Quinn buying a round of drinks in O’Neill’s later:
“Nonsense. OK, he was a local lad but he has an official yellow jacket, clipboard and ticket book. “
Meanwhile, Sherri admitted he enjoyed his time touring Tyrone and especially liked Stewartstown, describing it as ‘like something from 100 years ago’.
“I even met my far out relatives, the original McSherrys, who emigrated to Italy in the 1600s because they liked ice cream, meatballs, the mafia and fighting lions.”
He later admitted he wouldn’t be back.
Nearly Everyone In Tyrone Is ‘On The Run’ From Someone Or Something
A recent report into the On The Runs (OTRs) in Ireland has confirmed that of the 177’000 inhabitants in Tyrone, almost 100’000 are on the run from something or somewhere. This startling revelation has thrown the Civil Service into chaos as they attempt to examine each case individually, originally thinking they were dealing with only 200 cases.
Chief civil servant Valerie McMahon listed a few of the reasons for the rather large tally of OTRs in the county:
“This is a bit of a nightmare. We asked around Galbally and Moortown for information on who was on the run and nearly every household had a couple of OTRs. In one lane in Galbally, there were 16 on the run from the TV licence man, 12 on the run from their wives, one on the run from buying a round and another dozen on the run from their drunken antics at recent weddings. And that was just the men. We met a woman from Cappagh on the run from her sister after leaving on a pair of straighteners and burning a hole in her Frankie Goes To Hollywood sweatshirt. Categorising these is going to be a logistical hell.”
Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness is said to be livid at the suggestion that those on the run from stealing Choc Pops from a local garage in Pomeroy is to be given the same category of offence for those on the run from sticking up Union Jacks in Carrickmore. An insider told us he pleaded for the downgrading of ice lolly thieves:
“Marty went clean mad at Peter Robinson when it was revealed that an on the run Choc Pop burglar would receive a category 4 OTR status, the same as the two fellows from Newmills who put up three Union Jacks outside the toilets in Carrickmore. He says that the deadly summer we had last year left men and women fierce hot and that the ice lolly makers were cashing in on climate change, especially in Pomeroy with it being so high up and all. He didn’t go as far as condone the theft of Choc Pops but intimated that a blind eye should be turned, especially if the OTR is over 70.”
Meanwhile, a traffic warden who nearly gave a ticket to a vehicle in Coalisland last week and went on the run after being spotted licking his pencil by locals, has been told his OTR status will be quashed if he returns to his home in Banbridge.
Coalisland Psychic Ridiculed For Predicting Parking Ticket In 2015
A much-respected Coalisland psychic has been rubbished after she predicted live on Radio Ulster that a red-haired man driving a 1991 white Datsun Sunny will receive a parking ticket in the town some time in February 2015.
Madame McAliskey (66), who accurately predicted in 1978 that snooker player Dennis Taylor would win something at some time, somewhere in the world, after 1979, made the startling claim after it was revealed that not one parking ticket had been issued in the town since the first cars arrived in 1921.
Shop owner Frank McCabe described the scene in the town after Madame McAliskey’s wild proclamation on air:
“Well, three fellas outside the undertakers laughed so hard they were taken to Craigavon Hospital with mild respiratory failure. Another girl, one of the Gervins, ended up giving birth on the spot from the giggling, two months early. To be honest I thought she was pulling Wendy Austin’s leg but it seems not. That’s her finished anyway. She was living off that Taylor prediction too long I thought, so she was.”
Local resident and avid scooter-spotter Bosco Kelly added:
“I remember my oul fella saying years ago that a travelling Yankee preacher away back in the 40s was so taken by the local women that, as a parting gift, he cursed all traffic wardens who would ever set foot in the town for 100 years. Going by that reckoning, Madame McAliskey is 30 years too soon. She’s some clift thon. Imagine believing that woman from now on.”
Meanwhile, the Coalisland Traffic Committee have confirmed that the yellow lines in the town are not yellow at all but ‘mustard’ on some roads and ‘vanilla’ on others, making it illegal anyway to dish out parking fines. They blame acid rain or “maybe lignite or something”.
Coalisland Christmas Investment To Be All Spent On Deadly Tree
Coalisland will be the envy of the world this year after a secret Christmas committee finally decided to spend the recent windfall on a deadly tree.
The news that £15’000 would be spent on decorating Coalisland this Christmas had set tongues wagging for weeks as to what it will be spent on. In order to tap into the excitement, Coalisland council ran a competition asking residents to put their ideas into a suggestion box outside Sullivan’s on the Main Street. The closing date showed that 400 suggestions had been made with the top five listed below:
- A new mural but with Santa in a balaclava
- Flashing balls all over the place
- A big line of tinsel on the electric wires running from Edendork to Clonoe
- A deadly tree
- Spend the money on bacon soap for everyone
Coalisland independent councillor Pat Campbell was impressed at the wide range of ideas:
“There were some brilliant bits of thinking in Coalisland. Unfortunately we just had to turn down most to appease some groups like the NASA, RSPCA or the UN. One I liked was to decorate all animals like cows and dogs with glittery bells, balls, stars and all that stuff. We decided to pump the whole £15’000 into a deadly tree to be placed inside the Cornmill with a hole cut in the roof for it to stick out. It’ll be about 300 foot tall and we’ll get it from Brazil.”
Our investigations showed that £12’000 will be spent on transport from South America, £2000 on decorations, £500 for John Stokes for the loan of his truck and £500 on cocktail sausages for the opening.
The next big question is who will turn on the lights with local bookies offering mouth-watering options:
- Dennis Taylor 2/1f
- Harry Potter 7/2
- Harry McClure 4/1
- Obama 5/1
- Michael Jackson 6/1
- Malachi Cush 6/1
- One of the Spice Girls 8/1
- Ronan McSherry 33/1
- The Clonoe captain 50/1
- A PSNI official 100/1
- A traffic warden 1000/1
- Joe Brolly 10’000-1
Out and About – Hopes For 2013
We took a scoot out to the market in Cookstown to collate the hopes and wishes for 2013.
“Wouldn’t it be great if ourselves and Augher finally put our differences behind us and mixed next year. At the church the Clogher ones still sit on one side and the Augher folk on the other. There’s no intermarrying. We drink stout; they stick to triple X. The brawls on the streets are now a daily occurrence. Let’s pray for peace and try to endure those fcukers for 12 months.” GERDY MCNABB, CLOGHER
“A good looking priest. We’ve been starved out here in Donemana of young virile clergy. In fact, the last PP was so old he still read in Latin. Someone like the boy out of The Thornbirds would be deadly. Get me up in the morning, hangover or none.” MARY MAGUIRE, DONEMANA
“Bring back hanging for cattle rustling and trespassing.” DAMIEN COYLE, PLUMBRIDGE
“The government to turn a blind eye to women who bate the shite clean out of their husbands. That lazy hoor of a man I have needs a quare hiding to get his arse into gear on a Saturday. Say, once a week would be great.” NOLEEN MURPHY, EDENDORK
“Women wearing less in and around the streets. There are women now with jumpers and coats on even in the summer. If the powers taxed the amount of clothing you wore, they’d be more inclined to wear loose blouses and skirts. I’m 88 but I’d make more of an effort to get out to the shops if the women would shed a few layers. Not the fat ones though.” CATHAL JACKSON, DONAGHMORE
“Mickey Harte to pick players from the south east of the county. What did we ever do on him eh? There’s talk that he ruined his motor driving at 60 down the Annaghmore Road during the 80s. Well, that’s what we deal with day in, day out. We all drive 1990s motors from Lithuania now. Don’t hold it agin us Mickey.” FRANCIE O’NEILL, DERRYTRESK
“The price of diesel to come down a bit in Castlecaulfield. Might as well hope to grow wings. Miserable bastards.” SUSIE FOSTER, CASTLECAULFIELD.
“A traffic warden in Coalisland. In fact, anyone official at all. Even a TV licence man. Just for the craic.” JUSTIN LAVERY, COALISLAND
“A gay bar in Kildress.” ANONYMOUS, KILDRESS