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Sunday Times Food Critic Awards New East Tyrone Restaurant No Stars

Flynn's Midge And Eel Soup

Flynn’s Midge And Eel Soup

Flynn’s Diner, a new eatery situated on the side of a quiet country road on the shores of Lough Neagh, is reeling from an international food critic’s scathing review in last week’s Sunday Times.

Describing it as ‘like something from the depths of hell‘, the culinary expert proceeded to try every dish before admitting defeat and heading off for a fish supper in Landi’s in Coalisland.

When interviewed today, the journalist Quentin Harrod was sticking to his guns despite heavy criticism on social media from loughshore residents and friends of proprietor Conor Flynn:

“I still have cold sweats thinking about the ordeal. The starter – for which the was no other option – was ‘Midge & Eel Soup’. Apparently it’s some kind of fusion of local produce. The taste was like nothing I had experienced before.”

Flynn, originally from West Belfast, has refused to take his Midge and Eel Soup off the menu and suggests Mr Harrod may have not put enough salt on it:

“I sell about 25 bowls of Midge and Eel a day so I do and never once have a heard a complaint so I haven’t. I think Mr Harrod maybe didn’t give the dish the respect it needs in terms of seasoning so he didn’t.”

Harrod went on to slate the main dish which was black pudding served on a bed of spaghetti hoops, claiming it was ‘food for heathens and neanderthals‘. His article in the Sunday Times, which is read by 91 million people, finished with a scathing attack on the dessert – ice cream in a cup covered in crumbled Rich Tea. Flynn refused to back down:

“He’s getting on like a bit of a dick so he is.”

Flynn’s Diner is open 5pm-6pm, seven days a week.

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Giro d’Italia Cyclist Receives Coalisland’s First Parking Ticket

An exemplary parked bike in Coalisland

An exemplary parked bike in Coalisland

An Italian cyclist, who arrived in Ireland this week to attempt a dry run of the Irish leg of Giro d’Italia later in the year, became the unlucky recipient of Coalisland’s first parking ticket during a shopping trip in the town today.

Giovanni Sherri (28) was told by the warden that his bike was badly parked up against a wall outside Dorman’s Pharmacy and was issued with a £60 on the spot fine as well as a verbal warning about future conduct by warden Joe Quinn from the town himself.

Bystander and local man Kieran Corr (64) saw the whole incident pan out:

“I had just been saying to myself that the bike was badly parked. It had only the handlebar against the wall, instead of both wheels and the seat too. It was an accident waiting to happen. Thank God that traffic warden appeared out of nowhere and saved the day. We in Coalisland pride ourselves on our perfect parking tradition. How would he like it if we went to Italy and made spaghetti out of bits of string? Local customs must be upheld.”

Corr refuted suggestions that a spoof warden was used to get the media off their backs due to their suspiciously clear record. There were also reports of the warden Quinn buying a round of drinks in O’Neill’s later:

“Nonsense. OK, he was a local lad but he has an official yellow jacket, clipboard and ticket book. “

Meanwhile, Sherri admitted he enjoyed his time touring Tyrone and especially liked Stewartstown, describing it as ‘like something from 100 years ago’.

“I even met my far out relatives, the original McSherrys, who emigrated to Italy in the 1600s because they liked ice cream, meatballs, the mafia and fighting lions.”

He later admitted he wouldn’t be back.

First Obese Man In Gortin ‘Ashamed’. Pledges To ‘Cut Down’

Man in Gortin today

Witthe recent news that sixtyfour people in NI are currently claiming incapacity benefit because they are too obese to work, one man from Gortin has come forward to confirm that he, in fact, is one of the three from Tyrone included in the above investigation. Johnny Coyle, a 31-year old ex-timber merchant from the village, says obesity sort-of crept up on him out of nowhere and blames the foreigners for opening their delicious outlets in the greater Omagh area. 

“Jaysus I’m tara embarrassed. I knew I’d put on a lock of pounds after everyone stopped buying timber from the yard in favour of them straw bales and I had to retire, but little did I know I’d actually ballooned to 31 stone from my fighting weight of 13 stone. I knew a couple of chairs had broken over the last year but I just put that down to shoddy workmanship in Fermanagh. The bed collapsing should have been a tell-tale sign. It wasn’t until I got stuck in the doorway of Mossey’s Bar back toilet that I couldn’t ignore the truth. I’d been eating too much. The government came around to weigh me and told me what I already knew. I’m the first obese person in Gortin. Stop eating or I won’t get a woman they said.”

Coyle has made it his goal to find out where the other two obese people in Tyrone are so he can set up an Eaters’ Anonymous Society. He also also promised to cut down on the Chineses, Indians, pic ‘n’ mix from Centra and the thrice daily fries.

“My runners have told me there may be a middle-aged woman in Brocagh and a young lad in Trillick around the same size as myself. I’d have to be sure though. You’d get some abuse if you asked the wrong person if they were obese. I’m just looking for moral support as we begin our descent towards an acceptable level of heaviness. It’s all about what you eat. A gradual change in lifestyle should do the trick. For breakfast, instead of the 5 bacon, 9 sausage, biscuits, gravy, cream hotcakes, dozens of scrambled and fried eggs and pounds upon pounds of melted cheese with ice cream on Fridays, cut out the ice cream on Fridays.”

The Gortin Pioneers’ Society released a statement saying they wholeheartedly supported Johnny but that you’d think he’d learn the lessons from his da who died after choking on a Frankfurter in 2001.

Aghaloo Man Misheard Doctor Advice

An Aghaloo snake milker, Ned Johnson, was today recovering at home after a near-fatal misheard diagnosis left him in casualty soon after yesterday’s All-Ireland. Johnson, who milks snakes for research at Queen’s University, visited the doctor on Friday evening complaining of mouth ulcers.

“My gob had been killing me all week. I couldn’t ate a thing by Friday so I visited the doctor’s surgery in the middle of the village. My normal doctor, Dr Fargo, wasn’t in that day as he’s undergoing treatment himself for beer addiction in Armagh. I was seen by an Asian boy who gave me clear instructions when I gave him my details.”

As it transpired, Dr Ahmed couldn’t prescribe any medicine late that Friday as he needed clearance from Dr Fargo who was drying out in Armagh allegedly. Dr Ahmed takes up the story:

“I tried phoning Dr Fargo but he seemed, how can I put it, plastered. I told Mr Johnson to come back on Monday but in the mean time go to the garage and ask for some ice-cream and eat it slowly. That would soothe his mouth pain. They were clear instructions. In Aghaloo it appears not though.”

Not ice cream

We now know that Ned misheard the Pakistani medicine man’s advice and asked the boy at the checkout for some ass-cream. He was handed a tube of E45 which the ulcer-ridden Johnson slowly devoured after dinner on Sunday. It was as the Angelus came on that he began retching violently and was driven to Craigavon by his 9-year-old son. Johnson added:

“In years to come I’ll laugh about it but it was a harrowing experience. The stuff tasted worse than shite. Your man just got the wrong hole, God bless him.”

paul g moss

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