A New Zealand rugby fan has been arrested in Auckland after he set upon a stall in his local supermarket selling Cookstown products such as long-lasting sizzling sausages and bubbling bacon.
Brett Smith, a retired front-row player for the Mount Albert Rovers, admitted to deliberately destroying the display in his local Sparra Sparra in a fit of bad temper after his beloved Kiwis were beaten by Ireland in Chicago at the weekend.
Speaking to a local radio station, supermarket owner Joe Mangel revealed how the usually mild-mannered Smith lost the run of himself when the result was announced over the PA system:
“We have a lot of Irish in Auckland and I thought it would be a bit of fun to congratulate them in public. I didn’t envisage the rage it would cause in some of our loyal customers. Smith just lost it and started running around trying to find Irish-made products to obliterate.”
CCTV footage caught Smith making a beeline for the sausage stand and kicking the whole display about the shop, stomping on the meat and yelling ‘take that, you leprechauns’.
“I’m just glad he didn’t see the Kerrymaid butter section. That would have been carnage. He even spear-tackled a life-sized Cillian Murphy cut-out ad which was promoting Guinness.”
Cookstown were unavailable for comment but meat experts were surprised to hear they sold Cookstown Sausages in New Zealand and suggested that it might possibly be some other place called Cookstown nearer the southern hemisphere.
With the recent news that sixty–four people in NI are currently claiming incapacity benefit because they are too obese to work, one man from Gortin has come forward to confirm that he, in fact, is one of the three from Tyrone included in the above investigation. Johnny Coyle, a 31-year old ex-timber merchant from the village, says obesity sort-of crept up on him out of nowhere and blames the foreigners for opening their delicious outlets in the greater Omagh area.
“Jaysus I’m tara embarrassed. I knew I’d put on a lock of pounds after everyone stopped buying timber from the yard in favour of them straw bales and I had to retire, but little did I know I’d actually ballooned to 31 stone from my fighting weight of 13 stone. I knew a couple of chairs had broken over the last year but I just put that down to shoddy workmanship in Fermanagh. The bed collapsing should have been a tell-tale sign. It wasn’t until I got stuck in the doorway of Mossey’s Bar back toilet that I couldn’t ignore the truth. I’d been eating too much. The government came around to weigh me and told me what I already knew. I’m the first obese person in Gortin. Stop eating or I won’t get a woman they said.”
Coyle has made it his goal to find out where the other two obese people in Tyrone are so he can set up an Eaters’ Anonymous Society. He also also promised to cut down on the Chineses, Indians, pic ‘n’ mix from Centra and the thrice daily fries.
“My runners have told me there may be a middle-aged woman in Brocagh and a young lad in Trillick around the same size as myself. I’d have to be sure though. You’d get some abuse if you asked the wrong person if they were obese. I’m just looking for moral support as we begin our descent towards an acceptable level of heaviness. It’s all about what you eat. A gradual change in lifestyle should do the trick. For breakfast, instead of the 5 bacon, 9 sausage, biscuits, gravy, cream hotcakes, dozens of scrambled and fried eggs and pounds upon pounds of melted cheese with ice cream on Fridays, cut out the ice cream on Fridays.”
The Gortin Pioneers’ Society released a statement saying they wholeheartedly supported Johnny but that you’d think he’d learn the lessons from his da who died after choking on a Frankfurter in 2001.