Flynn’s Diner, a new eatery situated on the side of a quiet country road on the shores of Lough Neagh, is reeling from an international food critic’s scathing review in last week’s Sunday Times.
Describing it as ‘like something from the depths of hell‘, the culinary expert proceeded to try every dish before admitting defeat and heading off for a fish supper in Landi’s in Coalisland.
When interviewed today, the journalist Quentin Harrod was sticking to his guns despite heavy criticism on social media from loughshore residents and friends of proprietor Conor Flynn:
“I still have cold sweats thinking about the ordeal. The starter – for which the was no other option – was ‘Midge & Eel Soup’. Apparently it’s some kind of fusion of local produce. The taste was like nothing I had experienced before.”
Flynn, originally from West Belfast, has refused to take his Midge and Eel Soup off the menu and suggests Mr Harrod may have not put enough salt on it:
“I sell about 25 bowls of Midge and Eel a day so I do and never once have a heard a complaint so I haven’t. I think Mr Harrod maybe didn’t give the dish the respect it needs in terms of seasoning so he didn’t.”
Harrod went on to slate the main dish which was black pudding served on a bed of spaghetti hoops, claiming it was ‘food for heathens and neanderthals‘. His article in the Sunday Times, which is read by 91 million people, finished with a scathing attack on the dessert – ice cream in a cup covered in crumbled Rich Tea. Flynn refused to back down:
“He’s getting on like a bit of a dick so he is.”
Flynn’s Diner is open 5pm-6pm, seven days a week.
A 25-year old Ardboe woman maintains she has no regrets after spending her first two wages as a teacher on plastic surgery to look like a trout from the Lough in order to attract local men.
Mary-Ann Quinn, who also maintains a ‘wet look’ at all times, confirmed she has increased her success rate at discos in Cookstown by about 300% since the major transformation, despite serious reservations from her parents and nine brothers.
“For years I’ve had to listen to cousins talk for hours about ‘great catches’ and things like ‘jays she was deadly looking’ and stuff like that when coming home from a fishing expedition. Well I took that on board and I haven’t looked back. I courted nine men over the last three weeks, four from Ardboe, two from Ballinderry, two from Derrylaughan and an oul lad from Maghery. Money well spent I say.”
Since the operation, Quinn has looked into developing a scaly complexion as well as learning how to ‘flop about’ on the dancefloor, a new craze some are calling the ‘Moortown Mating Move’. Quinn’s mother Jacqueline admitted things have had to change around the house:
“Our Mary-Ann would have been fond of the fish suppers but since the lips changed everything has to be blended and sucked through a straw. It’s a bit of a hassle. Also, it’s very hard to make her out but I suppose young ones will always have their trends. In my day it was colourful leg warmers so I can’t talk.”
The plastic surgeon, an qualified plasterer from The Duckingstool in Brocagh, charges anything from £340 for an eely facial expression to £40’000 for full on pike.
The prolonged flooding of fields and roads in East Tyrone has resulted in many residents gradually adopting fish-like characteristics such as having pouted lips and being deadly slippery.
Scientists have descended upon the area hoping to find definite signs of aquatic change, investigating a woman from Derrylaughan who has reportedly developed scaly leg syndrome. Professor Herbie McMahon, whose mother originates from Moy, is excited by the prospect:
“Yes, this is class news. I remember the bad floods in Derrytresk four years ago and I personally believe if it hadn’t dried out so soon back then we would have witnessed a whole batch of mermaids and mermen slapping about in that general area. I spent three days hiding in hedges and loanans watching them evolve from normal Derrytreskionians to half-man/half-salmon beings. The women too were pouting like mad and sucking in air, developing those trout-pouts celebrities pay for. One girl started eating worms. No one believes me though.”
Recently, the floods have shown signs of drying up with many fields below the M1 Tamnamore roundabout down to under 8 inches water depth. Prof McMahon insisted time is of the essence:
“We need to act now. There’ll be a few showers this week which will keep these people topped up. I’m told there’s a man developing gills in Brocagh. I also took a spin out to Ardboe this morning to watch the locals return from mass. Parishioners were flapping about all over the road and jumping in and out of streams. Ardboe ones would be slippery enough by nature but this is something else.”
The physical changes have come at a cost though as the predominantly fish-eating locals have begun eyeing each other up and licking their lips at one another whilst making threatening pot-stirring gestures.
Rumours persisted this morning that an Ardboe man who bought a DNA-testing kit over the Internet from India is to release startling results after secretly collating DNA samples from most families in the area. Barman Josh Coney, who boasts of an unhealthy interest in dismembering rodents and small mammals for the craic, stealthily collected pint glasses from punters in the front bar of the clubroom and tested the samples in his makeshift lab down at the bottom room of his house. His scientific henchman, Kyle Devlin, leaked the news to an undercover reporter posing as a priest at confessions last weekend. The transcript makes for startling listening:
“Ghost-oh, we couldn’t believe the results when they filtered back from Bombay, Father. It torns out that all Devlins and Coyles are inextricably linked to the pollan fish. Pollan is a silvery trout-shaped fish, with a dark greeny-blue back and you can sort of see that sort of hue off both sets of families in the winter. They’d have big trouty pouts too. Then there’s the McGuigans. The man in India says they’re closely related to pike. Northern pike are most often olive green, shading from yellow to white along the belly. I used to curt one of the McGuigan girls and she definitely had a green tint off her torso and big pointy gnashers would be showing when angered. Finally, all the Quinns appear to have the same make-up of the eel. I’ve had a few Quinns working here and when I think of it they were long slippery boys too.”
Scientists believe that, centuries ago, local fish may have settled on the land. Evolution saw to it that they began to resemble mankind after dubious and unthinkable mating rituals, not uncommon in that part of the world, were carried out. They claim that it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that Ireland could have a multitude of Olympic swimming golds waiting to be mined if they can get a few from Ardboe to head up to the swimming pool in Magherafelt for a slapping about session.
Experts are still at a loss to explain why there has been a 400% rise in births in the greater Moortown area in 2012. With local maternity wards unable to cope with the endless procession of nine-month gone women lining up outside their doors on a daily basis, many women have taken to home births or just ‘seeing what happens’ on shopping expeditions.
Birthing expert Dr Manhan Dling has been monitoring the situation over the Summer and is at a loss to explain the sudden explosion in the Moortown population.
“I’ve analysed what the women are eating, what the men are watching and unemployment levels but there’s just no correlation between anything. I do have a sneaking suspicion regarding the fall in Lough Neagh pollan and eel levels, with families replacing these pets with children, but I’ve no figures to support it.”
One local expectant who didn’t wish to be named informed us that ‘there’s not much else to do in Murtin’ and that ‘we’re sick of the X-Factor and Jonathan Ross and ghost-oh the pint is too dear in the Battery’. As a result, the local church has started work on an extension as well as an application to build a new school in the area, named after one of the Lawns though they haven’t decided which one.