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Ardboe Woman Spends £3000 To Look Like Trout

Mary-Ann Quinn this morning

Mary-Ann Quinn this morning

A 25-year old Ardboe woman maintains she has no regrets after spending her first two wages as a teacher on plastic surgery to look like a trout from the Lough in order to attract local men.

Mary-Ann Quinn, who also maintains a ‘wet look’ at all times, confirmed she has increased her success rate at discos in Cookstown by about 300% since the major transformation, despite serious reservations from her parents and nine brothers.

“For years I’ve had to listen to cousins talk for hours about ‘great catches’ and things like ‘jays she was deadly looking’ and stuff like that when coming home from a fishing expedition. Well I took that on board and I haven’t looked back. I courted nine men over the last three weeks, four from Ardboe, two from Ballinderry, two from Derrylaughan and an oul lad from Maghery. Money well spent I say.”

Since the operation, Quinn has looked into developing a scaly complexion as well as learning how to ‘flop about’ on the dancefloor, a new craze some are calling the ‘Moortown Mating Move’. Quinn’s mother Jacqueline admitted things have had to change around the house:

“Our Mary-Ann would have been fond of the fish suppers but since the lips changed everything has to be blended and sucked through a straw. It’s a bit of a hassle. Also, it’s very hard to make her out but I suppose young ones will always have their trends. In my day it was colourful leg warmers so I can’t talk.”

The plastic surgeon, an qualified plasterer from The Duckingstool in Brocagh, charges anything from £340 for an eely facial expression to £40’000 for full on pike.

 

DNA Results Indicate Ardboe Locals Emerged From Lough Neagh

image

Ardboe man, 1000 years ago

Rumours persisted this morning that an Ardboe man who bought a DNA-testing kit over the Internet from India is to release startling results after secretly collating DNA samples from most families in the area. Barman Josh Coney, who boasts of an unhealthy interest in dismembering rodents and small mammals for the craic, stealthily collected pint glasses from punters in the front bar of the clubroom and tested the samples in his makeshift lab down at the bottom room of his house. His scientific henchman, Kyle Devlin, leaked the news to an undercover reporter posing as a priest at confessions last weekend. The transcript makes for startling listening:

“Ghost-oh, we couldn’t believe the results when they filtered back from Bombay, Father. It torns out that all Devlins and Coyles are inextricably linked to the pollan fish. Pollan is a silvery trout-shaped fish, with a dark greeny-blue back and you can sort of see that sort of hue off both sets of families in the winter. They’d have big trouty pouts too. Then there’s the McGuigans. The man in India says they’re closely related to pike. Northern pike are most often olive green, shading from yellow to white along the belly. I used to curt one of the McGuigan girls and she definitely had a green tint off her torso and big pointy gnashers would be showing when angered. Finally, all the Quinns appear to have the same make-up of the eel. I’ve had a few Quinns working here and when I think of it they were long slippery boys too.”

Scientists believe that, centuries ago, local fish may have settled on the land. Evolution saw to it that they began to resemble mankind after dubious and unthinkable mating rituals, not uncommon in that part of the world, were carried out. They claim that it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that Ireland could have a multitude of Olympic swimming golds waiting to be mined if they can get a few from Ardboe to head up to the swimming pool in Magherafelt for a slapping about session.

paul g moss

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