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False Alarm As Whales Washed Up On Lough Neagh Beach Are Just Two Local Men Bathing

Not a whale

Not a whale

Two Derrylaughan brothers, Kenny and Kieran McAliskey, were said to be a bit annoyed after they were mistaken for two whales which sparked an international environmental storm. Both have since signed up for Slimming World in Dungannon.

The global incident was first reported after dog-walker Malachy Hamill spotted the two carcasses on the shoreline at 10am down by the Washingbay, a former continental sunbathing resort. Hamill, who claims to have 20/20 vision despite his 77 years, immediately phoned the parish priest, Irish News and BBC NI with his findings before heading home to find his binoculars.

“I was afeard of approaching them in case they got angry. But they definitely looked like two hefty whales with blubber wobbling all over the place.”

Fr McKinstry was on the scene within minutes and began a rosary with 15 women who follow his car about, ‘for the safe return to America or wherever the beasts came from’ according to chief prayer Lisa Mullan. Mullan added:

“Then all of a sudden the whales got up and rubbed themselves with towels and got into the car. We thought it was a miracle and a rake of the women fainted. It was only after Kenny wound down the window as he passed by and called us a bunch of praying perverts that the penny dropped. I’m not sure what happened here but it might be a miracle. Fr McKinstry is building a whale grotto just in case the Vatican gives it the nod.”

Kenny McAliskey admits it’s a wake-up call:

“If there’s anything that will encourage you to lose weight it’s being reported by Wendy Austin on BBC Radio Ulster as resembling a whale. I sort of got my eyes opened there. We ate a lot of Chineses lately.”

Meanwhile Lough Neagh Rescue Centre have confirmed that it’s impossible for a whale to come up the Bann to the Lough.

Coalisland Psychic Ridiculed For Predicting Parking Ticket In 2015

No parking on these yellow lines in Coalisland

Exemplary parking in Coalisland

A much-respected Coalisland psychic has been rubbished after she predicted live on Radio Ulster that a red-haired man driving a 1991 white Datsun Sunny will receive a parking ticket in the town some time in February 2015.

Madame McAliskey (66), who accurately predicted in 1978 that snooker player Dennis Taylor would win something at some time, somewhere in the world, after 1979, made the startling claim after it was revealed that not one parking ticket had been issued in the town since the first cars arrived in 1921.

Shop owner Frank McCabe described the scene in the town after Madame McAliskey’s wild proclamation on air:

“Well, three fellas outside the undertakers laughed so hard they were taken to Craigavon Hospital with mild respiratory failure. Another girl, one of the Gervins, ended up giving birth on the spot from the giggling, two months early. To be honest I thought she was pulling Wendy Austin’s leg but it seems not. That’s her finished anyway. She was living off that Taylor prediction too long I thought, so she was.”

Local resident and avid scooter-spotter Bosco Kelly added:

“I remember my oul fella saying years ago that a travelling Yankee preacher away back in the 40s was so taken by the local women that, as a parting gift, he cursed all traffic wardens who would ever set foot in the town for 100 years. Going by that reckoning, Madame McAliskey is 30 years too soon. She’s some clift thon. Imagine believing that woman from now on.”

Meanwhile, the Coalisland Traffic Committee have confirmed that the yellow lines in the town are not yellow at all but ‘mustard’ on some roads and ‘vanilla’ on others, making it illegal anyway to dish out parking fines. They blame acid rain or “maybe lignite or something”.

paul g moss

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