A man from Clonoe was yesterday recovering after having spent the day close to permanent suffocation, brought on by putting on a pair of stone-washed slim-fit jeans he bought in 1986.
Standing in front of the mirror, 18-stone lorry mechanic Marty ‘Nimble’ Flanagan from Coole Road had insisted to girlfriend Shauna that ‘they fit as well as the day I bought them’, and spent the rest of the day becoming progressively more purple in the face as he refused to admit they were at least four sizes too small.
“Aye, if my face hadn’t been so purple it would have really red”, admitted Flanagan. “I didn’t want to back down after telling Shauna that I could still slip into a 32 waist trouser and to be honest it took me so long squeezing into the damn things that it would’ve taken another hour to get them off. It was like trying to squeeze a balloon into a box. Besides, once I was up on my feet I couldn’t really bend down”.
The problem was worsened by Flanagan going to Loughran’s Bar to show off his slender frame to friends, consuming six pints of Stella, and then finding himself unable to either unzip his flies or undo the button.
“Aye, poor Nimble”, said one of his friends, Sean Gallagher, also from Clonoe. “He looked like an enormous Ribena berry. Still, it’s his own fault. He’s acts like he’s at his fighting weight all the time, pretending he’s always at the health foods and salads and suchlike. Some chance. His idea of salad is a plate of cold chips, the clift”.
The fire service were duly called who had to use a pair of bolt cutters to remove the button from Flanagan’s trousers, which was under so much pressure that it shot off and demolished the entire row of optics behind the bar, followed by Flanagan breaking wind with such force that one of the firefighters was taken to Dungannon Hospital with a perforated eardrum.
Flanagan previously had a visit from the fire brigade in February of this year when he had to be removed from a ‘Frankie Says Relax’ t-shirt that he had purchased in 1984.
A recent report into the On The Runs (OTRs) in Ireland has confirmed that of the 177’000 inhabitants in Tyrone, almost 100’000 are on the run from something or somewhere. This startling revelation has thrown the Civil Service into chaos as they attempt to examine each case individually, originally thinking they were dealing with only 200 cases.
Chief civil servant Valerie McMahon listed a few of the reasons for the rather large tally of OTRs in the county:
“This is a bit of a nightmare. We asked around Galbally and Moortown for information on who was on the run and nearly every household had a couple of OTRs. In one lane in Galbally, there were 16 on the run from the TV licence man, 12 on the run from their wives, one on the run from buying a round and another dozen on the run from their drunken antics at recent weddings. And that was just the men. We met a woman from Cappagh on the run from her sister after leaving on a pair of straighteners and burning a hole in her Frankie Goes To Hollywood sweatshirt. Categorising these is going to be a logistical hell.”
Deputy First Minister Martin McGuinness is said to be livid at the suggestion that those on the run from stealing Choc Pops from a local garage in Pomeroy is to be given the same category of offence for those on the run from sticking up Union Jacks in Carrickmore. An insider told us he pleaded for the downgrading of ice lolly thieves:
“Marty went clean mad at Peter Robinson when it was revealed that an on the run Choc Pop burglar would receive a category 4 OTR status, the same as the two fellows from Newmills who put up three Union Jacks outside the toilets in Carrickmore. He says that the deadly summer we had last year left men and women fierce hot and that the ice lolly makers were cashing in on climate change, especially in Pomeroy with it being so high up and all. He didn’t go as far as condone the theft of Choc Pops but intimated that a blind eye should be turned, especially if the OTR is over 70.”
Meanwhile, a traffic warden who nearly gave a ticket to a vehicle in Coalisland last week and went on the run after being spotted licking his pencil by locals, has been told his OTR status will be quashed if he returns to his home in Banbridge.