Works has started already

Coalisland will be the envy of the world this year after a secret Christmas committee finally decided to spend the recent windfall on a deadly tree.

The news that £15’000 would be spent on decorating Coalisland this Christmas had set tongues wagging for weeks as to what it will be spent on. In order to tap into the excitement, Coalisland council ran a competition asking residents to put their ideas into a suggestion box outside Sullivan’s on the Main Street. The closing date showed that 400 suggestions had been made with the top five listed below:

• A new mural but with Santa in a balaclava
• Flashing balls all over the place
• A big line of tinsel on the electric wires running from Edendork to Clonoe
• A deadly tree
• Spend the money on bacon soap for everyone

Coalisland independent councillor Pat Campbell was impressed at the wide range of ideas:

“There were some brilliant bits of thinking in Coalisland. Unfortunately we just had to turn down most to appease some groups like the NASA, RSPCA or the UN. One I liked was to decorate all animals like cows and dogs with glittery bells, balls, stars and all that stuff. We decided to pump the whole £15’000 into a deadly tree  to be placed inside the Cornmill with a hole cut in the roof for it to stick out. It’ll be about 300 foot tall and we’ll get it from Brazil.”

Our investigations showed that £12’000 will be spent on transport from South America, £2000 on decorations, £500 for John Stokes for the loan of his truck and £500 on cocktail sausages for the opening.

The next big question is who will turn on the lights with local bookies offering mouth-watering options:

• Dennis Taylor 2/1f
• Harry Potter 7/2
• Harry McClure 4/1
• Obama 5/1
• Michael Jackson 6/1
• Malachi Cush 6/1
• One of the Spice Girls 8/1
• Ronan McSherry 33/1
• The Clonoe captain 50/1
• A PSNI official 100/1
• A traffic warden 1000/1
• Joe Brolly 10’000-1