Following the welcome news that Tyrone GAA will be spearheaded by the brilliant Roisin Jordan, the first female chairperson of a county board in Ireland since its inception in 1884, Tyrone men have been finally consigned to the dung-heap after years of narrowly avoiding the label of being ‘good for nothing’.
Government statistics revealed that in the early part of 2014: 93% of teachers in the county were women as well as 79% of politicians including the high profile and successful Michelle O’Neill and Michelle Gildernew. 81% of county businesses had female CEOs or figureheads, 73% of GPs were women, 69% of dentists and 85% of farmers also female.
Long-time Tyrone man Cathal Corr admitted living in the county was ‘a bit scary’ but added it was only a matter of time before women took the reins in almost every facet of everyday life:
“Let’s be honest. They’ve been smarter for years. We could only hold them back through skulduggery for so long. Now with fair play and all that stuff we’ve been exposed for what we really are – good for feck all. I’m trying the rack my brains here looking for an example of something we’re better at and there’s nothing. Yesterday I was driving through Augher and I saw a pregnant woman with three sheep on her shoulders whipping a cow whilst talking on the phone to the Credit Union. Her husband was sitting behind her in the mud eating a turnip.”
Rumours that Jordan’s first move will be to order Mickey Harte to play 2-3 women in the full back line for Tyrone in the McKenna Cup have been dismissed as pure speculation.
Meanwhile, Omagh Technical College have asked that men need not apply for any courses next year unless they can prove they can write neatly without passing wind or can desist from scratching themselves whilst looking out the window at the same time.
There have been overnight riots in Coalisland, with three cars burned, two off-licences raided and bricks thrown as far as
the metal bridge, in scenes not witnessed in the town since the height of the troubles even including the year the international music festival turned nasty.
Residents of the town have struck out, with all rational thought dispersing like a plume of smoke, following the reporting on UTV news that Coalisland Silver band, a bedrock of the local community, is no more than a common brass band. Not one of the instruments tested was found to contain silver although almost all members tried to plead the case by sowing off various sizes of miraculous medals.
All band members have been ordered to “hand in their badges and mouthpieces by noon Friday” by the town’s mayor and band’s leader Des Conway, who has marshalled the troupe since 1968. The Tyrone county board are allegedly shocked at the news and have suspended the band from any further performances at St. Enda’s Omagh GAA pitch on match days, despite the fact the band is yet to play at any GAA functions.
Unconfirmed reports suggest the band owes the town’s Credit Union up to £35’000, mostly thought to be on a concept for its new uniform which has remained unchanged since 1968 apart from the time it reverted from black to green for the trip to France in the late 1990s, and back to green again when they got home as the green uniforms had to be sold to pay customs and excise debts for smuggling bangers and flick knives.
The drummer of the band is understood to be housebound, while one young trumpeter has been stuck in his room since the start of the riots, playing the theme tune to The Sunday Game over and over and shaking his head whilst saying “ah naw”.
Local business owner Fabio Landi has shut up shop to band members and told us that there will be no more private late night openings for the band after their trips away to places like Dungannon, Killyman and even Cappagh.
More Power To Your Elbow front man Dixie Wrecker (real name Paddy Quinn) revealed the disgust in the local community following the news and subsequent civil unrest in the area.
“Aye, she’s tara altogether hi. The Antiques Roadshow are for the ‘island next Sunday and the band was due to do the theme tune live for them – you know, that lovely wee E Flat number with the horns. She’s a quare hannalin alright because we’re getting shipped in to give them a dig out, and sure we’re gonna try and ream her aff on the fiddle an the spoons. Its just lethal hi… who wouldha thunk it? I mean there’s all sorts of jokes coming from Clonoe about ‘heavy metal music this’ and ‘there’s more silver in the lough’ that. They’re saying there was probably never even any coal in Coalisland, and they’re calling it “Turf-town” out of pure badness. The towns a tip now with no lampposts still standing and bad words drawn all over the barracks, and not a windee in ‘er.”
With the news reaching towns as far away as Feldkirch in Austria, young women, who at earlier stages of their lives paraded round the town and caused many fights, are now receiving free counselling to cope with the shock. Trocaire and SVDP are also outraged and want to give all the thousands raised for them by the band over the years back to the people who gave them the money in the first place outside the chapel on Sundays for years. They will be handing out fivers after mass this weekend.
The manager of the local old people’s home has also told Tyrone Tribulations ‘they can go an shite’. Coalisland Parochial Centre is holding a sit down protest this Saturday at 3pm. The church has advised that there will be triangle sandwiches, and very strong tasting orange cordial. Patrons are advised to bring their own seats.
Stewartstown locals have admitted they are slightly unnerved by the ‘rakes of boys talking down their sleeves in American accents’ walking about the town this week in the run up the anniversary of JFK’s assassination in 1963. Stewartstown has been on everyone’s lips across the world this week due to their home-town boy and Special Agent William Robert Greer who joined the Secret Service in 1945 having served in the US Navy during the war. He was a trusted servant and acted as a personal bodyguard to both Presidents Truman and Eisenhower before being chosen to drive John F Kennedy through Dallas on 22 November 1963.
The FBI appear to have not just reopened the case against Greer, but are actively pursuing the theory that Stewartstown may have been central to many international incidents over the last century. Some of these include:
- Wall Street Crash
- Faked Moon Landing
- Cuban Missile Crisis
- Elvis Presley
- Watergate Scandal
- In the buff Sammy Wilson’s holiday pictures
An FBI official confirmed they’re taking a ‘no-crap’ stance with Stewartstonians:
“Greer may be an innocent man but the more we learn about his homeplace, the more we’re sure that this may just be the dastardliest place on planet Earth. Just yesterday I heard a man outside the Credit Union saying the whole Kennedy stuff was going to be ‘deadly’. What did he mean? What are these monsters going to carry out? Make no mistake – Stewartstonians are capable of anything in our book.”
So far, the FBI have raided 60 homes looking for incriminating evidence on PCs and under beds. Unfortunately only one computer has been found and it was a Commodore 64 from 1986 in full working order. They’ve also confiscated 120 books, 90 of them a pamphlet on the history of the Stewartstown Pipe Band. The other 30 were Fifty Shades of Grey.
SF councillor Jackie Logan fumed:
“They’re a tarra nuisance with their ‘hey men’ and ‘got any candy lady?’. They’ll find nothing here”
concluded Logan with a wink and a gap-toothed smile.
The sprawling village of Stewartstown, where no one has emigrated from or immigrated to since 1979, has decided to flex its international muscle and issue a sort-of nuclear threat to the rest of the world that they’ll be ‘taking no more shit’ from today onwards. Unfortunately nicknamed ‘tintown’, after it was revealed in 1948 that labourers wrap everything in tinfoil from their lunch to their tools, residents have decided that now was the time to reveal the arsenal of weapons they have been stockpiling since 1969 when they struck up a deal with the Russians.
Lord Mayor Cal Coyle announced during a hastily-arranged press conference outside the Credit Union:
“Yes, that’s right lads and lassies. We’re the bucking big boys now. We have shedfuls of Spanish fireworks, caps for Chinese toy guns, French bangers and Brazilian sparklers. Buckets of the stuff. Underground bunkers, hideouts in rural areas – you name it. Let the message be loud and clear – one more online reference to tintown or any other derogatory reference to Stewartstown and this planet is going to experience the Armageddon. Starting with Portugal or New Zealand maybe. We might give Brackaville a rattle first, like as a test drive.”
Flanked by 7 men and 3 women all wearing welding masks as disguise, Coyle was asked what sparked the declaration of war on the world at this particular time:
“I was reading something on boards.ie yesterday regarding weeding lawns and someone said something about ‘Stewartstown a.k.a. Tintown’. That was the straw that broke the donkey’s back. Then there’s them North Koreans, the Pakistanis, the Yanks, the Russians, the Chinese and the Iranis all boasting away about their nuclear capabilities. Well, try counteracting 5000 loop-the-loop fireworks being dropped on you from about 1200 feet. One of our lads recently got a provisional pilot’s licence and we know we can hire a small 2-seater from Newtownards. Just push our buttons one more time. ONE MORE TIME.”
The UN have confirmed they are taking this threat seriously but will wait to see if it’s just a result of nerves before the Intermediate quarter final against Brackaville that has sparked today’s declaration.
Sion Mills starts a ‘tough love’ campaign tomorrow aimed at dealing with the problem of adult obesity, after a survey showed that 46% of people in the area now answer to the name ‘Lard Arse’.
“It’s a real concern”, said Frankie Molloy, of the local group Sion Action which is spearheading the campaign to deal with the issue. “Walk down the Melmount Road and yell, ‘Hey Sumo, whit about ye hi?’, and a dozen people will turn round. It’s a proper obesity epidemic and we need to act now. And it’s not going to be nice”.
’Lard Arse’ came top of the list, with others following close behind including ‘Wide Load’, ‘Chubs’, ‘Chubby’, ‘Fats’, ‘Fat Boy Slim’, ‘Plumpers’ and ‘Plumpton’.
According to Golias.fr, 32-stone porker Sidney Clarke who works in the cricket club said,
“It’s becoming a real problem in the area. It used to be just me really, so if I was walking down the street and someone shouted ‘Salad Dodger’ or ‘Chair Crusher’, I knew it was me they were talking about. Now it could be any number of people. Everyone’s on the bandwagon. To be honest I feel like I’ve lost a bit of status. I quite liked being the only ‘Fat Lord’ or ‘Sweat Hog’. These days, it’s not clear who ate all the pies when people shout stuff out in the street, and it just causes confusion. I used to be ‘Lard of the Manor’. Not any more”.
Molloy says the action group has considered several ways to resolve the problem, one of which is to attribute specific nicknames to certain individuals.
“Someone like Sidney for example has always been called ‘Bloater’ even from when he was at school, so it’s a bit unkind that other heavyweights are muscling in on the name. There are only so many good quality nicknames for chubsters to go round”, pondered Molloy.
Asked whether resolving the name-calling issue was dealing more with the symptom rather than the problem of obesity itself, Molloy said
“Well it’s not as if we’re going to ask people to eat less, are we? Jaysus, we’re not fascists. Whatever next, telling them to exercise? They might act like that in Strabane but you won’t get sort of behaviour here. That’s just disrespecting the roly-polys. No, let’s show some dignity by giving them their own nicknames. Personally, I like ‘Aisle Blocker’ and ‘Buffet Slayer’. Oh, and ‘Large-and-in-Charge’”
A recently tarmaced road in Carrickmore has divided opinion in and around the village with one man calling it ‘the last straw’ for him and his family before heading off towards Kildress. The famous concrete road finally received a makeover last month after fears they’d look bad if Obama popped into the store to buy a lock of hurleys to bring home after the G8 summit in Fermanagh. Funded by the European Union, Carrickmore has received £300 to slap on some paint and tarmac the concrete road in a whole infrastructure upgrade to impress the Yanks if they did happened to pass through. Greg McNally (66) was not overly impressed:
“Typical middle-class outlook here these days. They didn’t want Obama thinking we were poor so they threw a coat of emulsion over The Corner and The Credit Union. I can take that I suppose. But now they’ve tarmaced the concrete road. This the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. You only have to walk into a house in the Carmen and you’ll see microwaves, TV remotes, headache tablets, kettles and oil-fired heating. That’s not the Carrickmore I know and love. Now they’ve tarmaced the buckin road. Why does everything have to be smooth these days? We’re all off to Kildress where the people still live at one with the wild.”
Not all shared McNally’s pessimism. Linda Hurson, a 39-year old unpublished writer, claims the new road is a deadly job:
“McNally would need to wind his neck in. Like the electric shaver and firelighters, the tarmaced road is here to stay. Women from Carrickmore couldn’t get jobs for years because they were applying make-up on the old bumpy concrete road and were going into interviews looking like drunk clowns. Now I can put on the heavy concealer no bother. My young lad doesn’t throw up as well. Obama’s going to think we’re flipping like the Chinese. Brilliant use of the funding.”
The official opening of the tarmaced road will take place tomorrow night with protesters warned they’ll get a good kicking if they attend.
A recent survey carried out by the Matt Talbot Research Centre in Omagh has discovered that the staff at the Cookstown CU are the most likely workforce in the county to get completely blattered every weekend and every other day during the week. The infamous Strabane Bikers – ‘The Pissed Off Bastards of Bridge Street’ – are the most teetotal grouping, closely followed by the ‘Eskra Eucharistic Ministry Society’.
The news that the Credit Union in Cookstown came out top in the survey came as no surprise to customers who commented on the outlet’s reluctance to give out any loans at all on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays due to severe hangovers.
“Ah sure I’m not surprised one bit,” Seamie Sheehey told us. “Everyone knows that you haven’t a hope in hell of getting even a tenner on a Wednesday. They’d be awkward and call your bluff. You’d be asking for a lock of pound to ‘do the kitchen’ and they’d be saying ‘sure I was in your kitchen last week and there’s nothing wrong with it’. Yet on Thursday they’ll hand out a grand even if you only needed a ton to pay the parking fines. It’s a lottery, especially if they’ve been on two day benders. My mother asked for £2000 for a holiday in Portygal and even though she had £1500 savings in it, they told her it’d be more in her line to go to mass more often than to be galavanting around Faro.”
In second place were the clergy in Pomeroy who consume more wine in a year than the whole Basque region in northern Spain.