Stewartstown locals have admitted they are slightly unnerved by the ‘rakes of boys talking down their sleeves in American accents’ walking about the town this week in the run up the anniversary of JFK’s assassination in 1963. Stewartstown has been on everyone’s lips across the world this week due to their home-town boy and Special Agent William Robert Greer who joined the Secret Service in 1945 having served in the US Navy during the war. He was a trusted servant and acted as a personal bodyguard to both Presidents Truman and Eisenhower before being chosen to drive John F Kennedy through Dallas on 22 November 1963.

The FBI appear to have not just reopened the case against Greer, but are actively pursuing the theory that Stewartstown may have been central to many international incidents over the last century. Some of these include:

• Wall Street Crash
• Faked Moon Landing
• Nazism
• Cuban Missile Crisis
• Elvis Presley
• Watergate Scandal
• Smallpox
• In the buff Sammy Wilson’s holiday pictures

An FBI official confirmed they’re taking a ‘no-crap’ stance with Stewartstonians:

“Greer may be an innocent man but the more we learn about his homeplace, the more we’re sure that this may just be the dastardliest place on planet Earth. Just yesterday I heard a man outside the Credit Union saying the whole Kennedy stuff was going to be ‘deadly’. What did he mean? What are these monsters going to carry out? Make no mistake – Stewartstonians are capable of anything in our book.”

So far, the FBI have raided 60 homes looking for incriminating evidence on PCs and under beds. Unfortunately only one computer has been found and it was a Commodore 64 from 1986 in full working order. They’ve also confiscated 120 books, 90 of them a pamphlet on the history of the Stewartstown Pipe Band. The other 30 were Fifty Shades of Grey.

SF councillor Jackie Logan fumed:

“They’re a tarra nuisance with their ‘hey men’ and ‘got any candy lady?’. They’ll find nothing here”

concluded Logan with a wink and a gap-toothed smile.